glocknut
06-13-2009, 12:41 AM
BACHELOR:
1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
2) A guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.
3) A man who never makes the same mistake once.
4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
BRIDE:
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
CAD:
A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
COMPROMISE:
An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
DIPLOMAT:
A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
GENTLEMAN:
1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
HOUSEWORK:
What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
HUSBAND:
1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
2) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.
JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT:
A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
LOVE:
An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
MISS:
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
MISTRESS:
Something between a mister and a mattress.
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
MRS.:
A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
SPOUSE:
Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
WIFE:
A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
2) A guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.
3) A man who never makes the same mistake once.
4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
BRIDE:
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
CAD:
A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
COMPROMISE:
An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
DIPLOMAT:
A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.
GENTLEMAN:
1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
HOUSEWORK:
What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
HUSBAND:
1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
2) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.
JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT:
A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.
LOVE:
An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
MISS:
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
MISTRESS:
Something between a mister and a mattress.
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
MRS.:
A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
SPOUSE:
Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
WIFE:
A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.