THE HAIRCUT......

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EARLY FRIDAY MORNING WHEN I DECIDED...MADE UP MY MIND...BEFORE I GOT ALL GRUBBY FROM WORKING IN THE CHIPS AND THE SAWDUST, I WAS GOING TO GET A HAIRCUT....THOUGH I DIDN'T HAVE THE APPEARANCE OF A MID-SIXTIES HIPPY, OR SPORTING A WILLIE NELSON PIG-TAIL WITH A RIBBON, THE LOCKS WERE GETTING LONGER THAN I LIKED...EVERY TIME I'D BAIL INTO THE POOL FOR A QUICK SWIM, I'D HAVE TO TAKE THE TIME TO PART AND COMB MY LOCKS TO LOOK REASONABLY PRESENTABLE AND NOT LIKE THE WILD MAN FROM BORNEO! SO, BEFORE 9AM, I WAS OFF TO MY PREFERRED BARBER, HOPING IT WAS MIKE, THE MAD RUSSIAN, WHO TENDS TO WAVE A STRAIGHT RAZOR AROUND AS HE PONTIFICATES THE WORLD EVENTS, ESPECIALLY THAT OF HIS HOMELAND, RUSSIA....MIKE IS A HANDSHAKER AND AS SOON AS I ENTERED HIS QUAINT LITTLE SHOP UP ON THE BLVD., HE ABANDONDED THE BLOND HAIRED LITTLE TYKE THERE IN THE CHAIR AND COME OVER TO SHAKE MY HAND..."HOW YOU DOIN', BUSH...DAMN, YOU LOOK SHAGGY...SIT DOWN AND I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A TOOT.."...GUESS TOOT IS RUSSIAN FOR MOMENT...MIKE CALLS ME BUSH BECAUSE WHEN WE FIRST MET, HE TOLD ME I LOOKED LIKE GEORGE W.---NAW, I DIDN'T CORRECT HIM, IN FACT I ALWAYS LOOKED ON IT AS A COMPLIMENT BECAUSE I'M A LOT OLDER THAN 'W'.....MIKE FINISHED WITH THE YOUNGSTER AND GESTURED GRANDLY FOR ME TO HAVE A SEAT...WITH A GREAT FLOURISH, MUCH LIKE A MAGICIAN THROWING A CAPE AROUND A MAGIC TRICK, HE COVERED ME WITH THE CLOTH, JABBERING ALL THE TIME IN A MIXED COMBO OF BROKEN ENGLISH AND ROYAL RUSSIAN...UP THERE ON THE WALL WERE MODEL SAMPLES OF VARIOUS HAIR CUTS, BEARD TRIMS, AND FEMALE HAIR STYLES....EVEN HAVING GONE TO MIKE FOR QUITE A LONG TIME, ALWAYS HAD TROUBLE EXPLAINING AN OLD MILITARY EXPRESSION OF HOW I WANTED MY HAIR CUT...."CLOSE AND TIGHT---WHITEWALL"...WELL, MY EYES LOCKED IN ON ONE OF THE MODELS THAT APPEALED TO ME SO I STOPPED MIKE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MIXED-LINGO TIRADE AND POINTED TO AND STATED, "NUMBER 3, MIKE...NUMBER 3---MAKE ME JUST LIKE NUMBER 3"...A WIDE-EYED EXCLAMATION, "YOU SURE, BUSH----......YOU REALLY SURE, BUSH....THAT WILL BE A TOOT"....DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT STRANGE SOUNDING WORD 'TOOT' HAD A VARIETY OF MEANINGS...."YEAH MIKE, NUMBER 3 IS THE WAY I'D LIKE YOU TO CUT MY HAIR THIS TIME...NUMBER 3 AND HAVE IT CLOSE AND TIGHT IN A TOOT BECAUSE I HAVE WORK TO FINISH"......NOPE, I'M NOT BI-LINGUAL, BUT PERHAPS TOOT DID MEAN TO HURRY UP....WELL, I GOT MY NUMBER 3 CHOP AND CHANNEL HAIR CUT IN A TOOT---ZIP, ZIP--CLIP, CLIP...MIKE SHAVES YOUR NECK AND AROUND YOUR EARS, ALL THE TIME JABBERING AND FLOURISHING THAT UNSHEATHED RAZOR...I'VE ENVISONED HIM LOPPING OFF AN EAR OR A NOSE...NOW, WOULDN'T THAT BE A TOOT IF IT WERE YOURS TRULYHE CLEAVED OFF????. ALWAYS, ON LEAVING MIKE'S SHOP, IT'S AS IF YOU'RE DEPARTING ON A WORLD TOUR---CLAIMS YOU LOOK GOOD AND TO TELL FOLKS WHERE YOU GOT YOUR HAIR CUT....SHAKING HANDS WITH MIKE IS A CLASSIC GESTURE---A VERY STRONG GRIP AND THAT WATER PUMPING ACTION....MULTIPLE BOWINGS OF THE HEAD ---KIND'A LOOKS LIKE A JEW AT THE WAILING WALL....WELL, WHEN I GOT HOME I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO COMPLAIN YET ABOUT THE HAIR DOWN MY COLLAR WHEN SPOUSAL BATTERY COMMENCED...."WHERE DID YOU GET THAT HAIRCUT AND WHY DID THEY CUT IT SO CLOSE"....I WAS THEN AT THE LAVATORY COMBING OR TRYING TO COMB THE REMENANTS OF WHAT APPEARED TO BE THE 'SPIKED HAIR FASHION' THE YOUNG DUDES ARE SPORTING THESE DAYS...I WET THE STUBBLE GENEROUSLY AND TRIED TO GET A PART IN IT...NO GO, JOE---IT'LL GROW OUT, BUT CHANCES ARE YOU MAY WANT TO WEAR THAT COMBAT 'BOONIE HAT' TILL IT DOES....A SECOND GLANCE IN THE MIRROR CONFIRMED TO ME THAT I JUST MIGHT RESEMBLE GEORGE W. AS I MOUTHED HIS MISPROUNCED WORD 'NUCK-U-LURE'.... YEAH, THE OLD BOONIE HAT WILL COVER UP NUMBER 3 FOR THE DURATION...NEXT TIME I'LL TELL THE MAD RUSSIAN 'JUST A TRIM...LEAVE THE NAPE OF THE NECK SO I CAN HAVE A BRAID.... NOW, THAT'LL BE A TOOT IN ANY LANGUAGE!!!