The Electric Fence

[killbuck]

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together, it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[herohog]

Reminds me of my dad playing with our Vertex Magneto off of my brother's dirt track car. He picked it up and gave the drive gear a spin. His other hand was near enough to the power pole that it bit him pretty good. I remember him kind of stiffening up, vibrating a few times then gingerly laying the Mag back down saying "OK, I've seen about enough of THAT!"

[herohog]

PS: More mag related memories!

Remember those old mini bikes we all had as kids? Briggs 5 HP engines and most had a ground tab ya pushed against the spark plug to kill them? Remember how the crappy throttle cables were always breaking or getting hung? Ever have one with a double tube top frame rail where ya had to reach around from the side and snake yer hand in there to kill the engine because of the clearance between the frame and the engine?

For those of you not already laughing, I was barreling down a pea gravel fire road at about 40mph with a stuck throttle trying to kill the dang motor. The problem was that I kept hitting the damned plug wire and shocking the hell outta myself before finally deciding it would hurt less to simply bail off of that crazy thing as it was apparent that there was going to be a wreck one way or another and there was no use in abusing myself in addition to crashing!

[herohog]

PPS! MORE Magneto memories!

Those old Vertex mags had a ground wire attached to the body of the mag used to short them out and kill the engine. While working on an old rail job in our shop one day, they were testing the engine and the Hillborn injection hung open leaving that small block Chevy screaming at about 10 grand! Unfortunately, they had left the kill wire disconnected from the mag and dang near shocked themselves to death trying to short out the mag at 10k (the faster a mag turns, the more juice they produce!). They wound up grabbing a pile of red shop towels and jammed them on the Injector stacks hoping to smother her to death! A 327 CuIn Chevy spinning at 10k (according to the tell-tell on the tach) will suck a red rag right through an injector stack, past the intake valve and out the exhaust valve and right out a Zoomie header as red confetti I want you to know! Fortunately, it WILL bend enough valves to eventually kill the engine leaving a very expensive valve job in it's wake...

[carver]

I used to work at a saw mill. The buildings were all made of tin, tin for the roof, and tin for the walls. We had a break area, if that's what you want to call it, where we sat on wooden benches made form off fall, and ate our lunches. A couple of the hands had got into the habbit of peeing on a sheet of tin that lay on the ground right behind the "Break Area", and the pee ran down the sheet of tin to wall on the outside. Well, after a while it got to stinking! Another hand wired a heave battery charger to the offending sheet of tin in a effort to stop the habbit! At lunch that day we heard a scream form outside! We all jumped up and ran out to see what had happened. The first guy peed on the tin, and when the stream hit, he started moaning, and quivering all over, it was the second guy that peed on the tin that did the screaming! Number 2 was asked why he peed on the tin after he saw what happened to Number 1 guy. He said he thought that Number 1 was moaning, and quivering all over because he had the clap!

[Brisk44]

that is all funny stuff.

[Clipper]

One of my distant relatives lived a few miles out in the country. He had a
"Hot" fence to keep his two horses inside the fenced area. One morning, he was out testing the charged fence. The ground was wet, and he was wearing sneakers. When he touched the fence, he felt nothing, (wasn't grounded due to the rubber soled sneakers) but his Great Dane Heidi cold nosed him while he was holding the hot wire. The charged knocked them both down. He said that Heidi would not come near him for several days.

[geds]

My next door neighbor had trouble with dogs getting into his metal garbage cans. He cut the plug off an extension cord and wired up an alligator clip in it's place. He ran the cord from his dining room window to the back of the cans and clipped them on. After a couple of yelping dogs, all was quiet, until he forgot to unplug it on garbage day...the sanitation company threatened to sue him and refused to pick up his garbage!

[76Highboy]

Originally Posted by geds

My next door neighbor had trouble with dogs getting into his metal garbage cans. He cut the plug off an extension cord and wired up an alligator clip in it's place. He ran the cord from his dining room window to the back of the cans and clipped them on. After a couple of yelping dogs, all was quiet, until he forgot to unplug it on garbage day...the sanitation company threatened to sue him and refused to pick up his garbage!

That's funny.