The White House claimed a major victory in the war on terror today as al-Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden revealed that he no longer knows where he is.
Mr. bin Laden, appearing on a tape broadcast by the Arabic-language al-Jazeera network, said that he had not known his location for months and blamed his current predicament on the Internet mapping site Mapquest.com.
"Those Mapquest fools provided me with a map that is next to useless," a visibly angry bin Laden says on the tape. "All it tells me is where the nearest Applebee's is."
The Saudi madman says that everywhere he looks there are rocks and caves but "none of them look familiar."
At the tape's conclusion, he makes a desperate plea to his followers in the worldwide al-Qaeda network: "If you have any idea where I am right now, please let me know at once."
Mr. bin Laden's bombshell served as a morale-booster for many in the U.S. intelligence community since, in the words of one CIA source, "The fact that we don't know where Osama is isn't so embarrassing when you consider that he doesn't know either."
At the White House, President George W. Bush said that Mr. bin Laden's current status was the inevitable result of the U.S.'s successful war on terror: "I said I wanted Mr. Osama bin Laden dead or alive, but I'll settle for lost."
Partially in response to the positive news about Mr. bin Laden, New Jersey governor James McGreevey today lowered the state's threat level from tangerine to cream.