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(8/14/02 1:37:51 pm)
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Last autumn, a group of friends went deer hunting and decided to be paired off in two's for the day. That evening one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
"Where is Edward?" the other hunters asked.
Ed's hunting partner, Brian, replied, "Edward had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
The other hunters gasped and one guy asked, "You left Edward laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"It was a tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured that nobody would steal Edward."
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??
Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob
Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left..
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related
accident claim. This was the response:
"I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. I am an amateur radio
operator and was working on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I
had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several
trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare
hardware. Rather than carry the materials down by hand, I decided to lower
the items using a pulley. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the
top of the tower and loaded the tools into a small barrel. Then I went back
to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow
descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the
accident report that I weigh 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked
off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go
of the rope. I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the
tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down.
This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only
slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my
right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. I regained my presence
of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At the same
time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out
of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed
approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and
lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my
injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools so only three vertebrae were
cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay on the tools, in
pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I
again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope..."
This list of rules will be handed to each person as they enter the state.
1. The slope-shouldered farm boy you were snickering at did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym. He doesn't need your respect, but he sure as heck deserves it.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. We have four-wheel drives because we need them. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you are fishing for...BAIT, stripers love 'em.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards’ wings are set, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at that time.
8. High School & College football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks...and a dang sight more fun to watch.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea, comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
10. You bring Coke into our town, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million-dollar combines that we drive through the mud two weeks out of the year, and we’re not afraid to let our neighbor borrow it either.
12. Let's get this straight right now. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. Heck, we may even stop when it's yellow. Any kid on a bicycle with their dog running along side has more right of way than you do.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
14. Yeah, we eat catfish, gar, carp too,--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at the bait shop.
15. They are called pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 40 goes two ways, I-30 goes the other two. Pick one.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. You can get breakfast at Church that morning.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. Its called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Try and not hit into the water hazards. It spooks the fish, and the gator living there doesn't need anymore for his collection.
19. We respect our local Police here. If you wave to them use all your fingers. Remember the average farm hand is better armed then the officer on patrol. That's why there is only one patrol, they don't need any back up, they’re always supported.
20. Our service may be slow, but it is good, and we care. Try slowing down, and stopping to smell the wild flowers, just watch out for the bull.
Now, enjoy your vacation, I hope you don't leave on probation....
Disco Dan was a trucker for 25 years, but he forgot his physical for a year and they took away his CDL. Had to start from scratch. He takes all the tests, misses a couple (Who the hell would park a tanker of fuel within 300 feet of a flame!!!) but does OK.
Then comes the road test.
He gets this flunky young instructor that just HATES old truckers, puts the cones just a little tighter, puts him through ALL the tests not just 4 or 5 at random. Old Dan nails them all, just a couple pull-ups, one reset, but he back "Ss" like he was born with his hands on the wheel, does a blind side dock like he did it every day, and finishes with his trailer parallel parked on one try!
Tester is pissed, DETERMINED to knock him down a notch or two, decides to yank his chain. Jumps up in the cab, and says, "OK now the new oral part of the exam." Disco says, "What the hell?"
Instructor says, "You're heading down Suicide Hill on 25 in Eastern Tennessee, 10 percent grade, 100,000 gross, and you miss a gear. Can't get it in no matter what. Brakes overheat, they ain't working. No runaway trap, cliff on one side, rocks on the other, bottom of the hill is a train blocking the road, with a school bus parked at it. Only way to go is either over the cliff, or into the rocks. What do you do.?"
Disco Dan thinks a little bit, and says "I'd wake up LeRoy."
Tester says, "Wake up LeRoy, what the heck kind of answer is THAT?"
Dan says, "Well LeRoys been my partner for more'n 25 years and he ain't NEVER seen a wreck like this before!"
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response, except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper, "F*ck the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh, yeah? S*ck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair, waving his hand, and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little sh*t! If you say
anything else, I'll kill you!"
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
someone said, "Oh, sh*t, we're f*cked!"
Suzuki said, "The Taliban, 2001!"
This city fellow had just moved out to the country and decided that he needed some animals, so he decided to walk up and down his road to see what his neighbors had. The first farm he came across had a bunch of chickens running in the yard. "Say farmer" the man yells, "Would you be
willing to sell me one of your chickens?"
The farmer replies, "Sure, but around here we don't call 'em chickens, we call 'em pullets".
The man thanks the farmer for the advice and picks up the pullet and continues on down the road until he comes to the next farm where the yard is full of roosters. "Say farmer", yells the man, "Would you be willing to sell me one of your roosters?"
"Sure", says the farmer, "but around here we don't call 'em roosters, we call 'em cocks".
The man thanks the farmer and puts the cock under his other arm and continues walking down the road. He soon spots a farm with a herd of donkeys. "I could use one of those", he says . "Hey farmer", he yells "Would you be willing to sell me one of your donkeys?"
"Sure", says the farmer "but around here we call them asses". The man takes the ass and starts leading him away when the farmer yells, "Hey,sonny, that ass is a little persnickety. If he decides to sit down all you have to do to get him up again is scratch him behind his left ear."
Thanking the farmer yet again the man decides to head for home with his animals. On the way the ass decided to sit down. The man was in a bit of trouble, he had his pullet under one arm and his cock under the other. If he put one down it would surely wander off. Now it just so happened
that a nun was just walking over the hill. The farmer, spying her, quickly ran up to her. "Excuse me miss," he said. "Would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"
Truly heart warming... a story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and believe there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, gems-in-the-rough, all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"
She replied, "I will if those useless sons of bitches at the lumber yard ever bring us any drywall that's worth a ****."
Subject: Life's Great Truths
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
a.. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
b.. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
c.. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
d.. You can't trust a dog to watch your food.
e.. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
f.. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
g.. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
h.. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.;
i.. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
j.. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
k.. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
l.. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
m.. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
n.. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
o.. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
p.. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
q.. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE;
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You become Santa Claus.
4) You start to look like Santa Claus.
Hope that this put a smile on your face. Quickly send this
Message along to anyone that needs a good laugh and can envision Jell-O sticking to a tree.
Ron had always wanted a nice motorcycle but could never afford a new one. When he heard of a used Harley at a great price he decided to check it out. The bike was immaculate. He asked how a 20-year-old motorcycle could look so good. The seller said "I have always keep it protected with a light coating of Vaseline when not in use or when out in the weather."
Ron bought the bike and was thrilled. He called the young lady he had recently started dating and offered her a ride. She said she would love it and afterwards they could go to her home for supper. He picked her up at her driveway and off they went. They returned after about an hour and Ron parked the bike in her front yard.
Before they went into the house she said, "Ron, you have not been in my home yet so I had better tell you about a little quirk my family has. We do not talk at all while sitting at the dinner table. If anyone speaks a word that person has to do all the dishes."
Ron thought this a little strange but decided he could live with it. They went in and he was introduced to her parents and had a little small talk. They then retired to the dining room and presto - instance silence.
Ron sat and ate and mulled this over in his mind. He had noticed that the kitchen counters and sink were stacked with dirty dishes so it must have been some time since any spoke at the table. He decided to have a little fun.
Ron moved his plate out of the way, grabbed his girlfriend, slipped her shorts down, put her on the table and made love in silence. After they were through they sat back at their place and continued eating. A few minutes passed and Ron really decided to push it. His girlfriend's Mom looked pretty good so he moved his plate, grabbed her Mom, pulled her skirt up, put her on the table, and make love to her in silence. When finished they both went back to eating without a word.
A couple of minutes passed and then a sudden clap of thunder boomed. Ron remembered his bike was outside and stood up and pulled the tube of Vaseline from his back pocket. His girlfriend's Father jumped to his feet and shouted, "OK, OK. I'll do the damn dishes."
A nun goes to the Mother Superior to confess having cursed. The Mother Superior pours tea and says,"sit down and tell me about it." The nun starts: "I was on the 8th hole, you know, the long dog leg. I teed off with a beautiful drive I thought would go 440 and get me past the bend, when suddenly the ball struck that overhead powerline and dropped like a rock." "Ah," says the mother superior, "that is when you swore." "Well, no," said the nun, "just as the ball hit the ground a squirrel ran out of the rough and grabbed it, turning immediately to run back to the trees on the west side of the fairway." "Ah," said the mother superior, that is when you swore!" "Well, no" replied the nun, "because just then a hawk swooped down and grabbed the squirrel, flying off with it and my ball." "Ah, well," said the mother superior, "I can see how that would make you curse." "Actually," the nun went on, "it wasn't then either. You see the hawk flew down the fairway and as he neared the green the squirrel in his talons must have died, because he dropped the ball which hit a rock, bounced over the sandtrap, and rolled on the green, stopping 6 inches from the pin."
"Oh my god'" cried the mother superior, you missed the f-ing putt didn't you?"
I live in my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "GUESS" on it. I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes . . . I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce--yours and Sh*thead's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now THAT'S a message!!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave a footprint on your heart. Signatures By The Tired Lion
Two newly weds had been given a parrot as a present. On their honeymoon they had it with them because they had no where to leave it and it was placed in the bridal suite corner.
However, every time the couple started anything resembling love making, the parrot (an accomplished talker) piped up ...... "Go on fella, go, go, go"! and similar ribald comments. The husband threatened the bird with being transported to the nearest zoo if it didn't stay quiet ... and instructed it to face the wall. Twice more the bird muttered lewd things and twice more was warned ....... which included the absolute final warning.
All went well and was quiet until the last day, and the couple were packing. However, having bought presents for family and souvenirs, they were short on baggage capacity. One last suitcase had to be filled, and shut ... but was too full. They had to get it shut.
He said - " Honey, you sit on top and I'll try do it" . No luck.
She said - " OK Hon, You get on top and I'll try". ...... still no success.
Finally, he says - " Nothing else for it honey, we must both get on top and jump up and down".
At this stage, the parrot speaks loudly into his corner, and begins to turn ....
"Zoo, or no zoo .... this I have to see"
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)!
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark."
"Yes, the office lights are off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f..ing stupid to own a computer."
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."
"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: “May I see your drivers license?”
Driver: “I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.”
Officer: “May I see the registration for this vehicle?”
Driver: “It’s not my car. I stole it.”
Officer: “The car is stolen?”
Driver: “That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.”
Officer: “There’s a gun in the glove box?”
Driver: “Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car, and stuffed her body in the trunk.”
Officer: “There’s a BODY in the TRUNK!?!?”
Driver; “Yes sir.”
Hearing this the officer immediately calls his captain. Police quickly surround the car, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.
Captain: “ Sir, can I see your license?’
Driver: “ Sure, here it is.” It was valid.
Captain: “Whose car is this?”
Driver: “Its mine, officer. Here is the registration”. The driver owned the car.
Captain: “Could you slowly open the glove box so I can see if there is a gun in it?”
Driver: “Yes sir, but there’s no gun in it”. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: “Would you open the trunk? I was told you said there’s a dead body in it”.
Driver: “No problem.”
Trunk is opened and there was no body.
Captain: “I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said that you told him you don’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a body in the trunk.”
Driver: “Yeah, I’ll bet the lying SOB told you I was speeding, too.”
Train Station ! ! !
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying:
"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say:
"All passengers, who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the two hour delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
(8/14/02 2:25:00 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del
some good ones there mesusie.
THe truck driver one made me think about that old broke down double clutcher that hangs around here
He goes by the name ibtrukn and needs to be made fun of
(8/14/02 6:13:32 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del Re: Compilation
Love the cajun one , of course...........
You must love to type.........That would of took me 2 1/2
days ya shea.................
(8/15/02 8:08:57 am)
Reply | Edit | Del Re: Compilation
Yo coonass, is "ya shea" anything like "giddoudaheer"??
Go ahead piggnatelli, keep it up (as if U could) U ain't seen nothin yet.......
(8/15/02 5:52:55 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del Re: Compilation
I'm in the dark on that one.......must be one of dem
flatlander terms..............could ya break it down for me....
(8/15/02 6:50:52 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del Re: Compilation
CA, ya bin eatin too much armadillo steak........jus say it slowly yule get the picture but I ain't got the foggiest what with the "ya shea"... is thet coonass for whadyasay?? I gotta admit I spent some time in yore neck o the woods Alexandria AFB between that rotten chicory coffee an the bugs YO I put in an got oversees dooty....but I went to jooly ol england......