Snakes and the Military - The Firearms Forum

DixieLandMan · 02-01-2012, 03:24 PM

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten.

Anchor Clanker · 02-01-2012, 03:57 PM

Unified Military Service
Canada does not have an Army, a Navy or an Air Force. They have a joint Unified Military Service.
The United States can never have such a service. Why Not? They can't agree on words and terms. Take the word SECURE for example. You tell the Navy and Coast Guard to secure a building and they will run everybody out, turn off the lights and leave. Tell the Army to secure a building and they will run everybody out and won't let anyone back in without a pass. Tell the Marines to secure a building and they will make an armed assault after a heavy artillery bombardment and call in an air strike. Tell the Air Force to secure a building and they will take out a three year lease with an option to buy.

jstgsn · 02-01-2012, 04:07 PM

The President of the United States calls a new comference and takes credit for the killing of the snake. Uses the word "I" 58 times to describe the mission. Later asks the vice president what a "snake" is?

raven818 · 02-01-2012, 06:00 PM

Quote:

General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars

My brother-in-law was with a federal agency for 21 years. Retired, went to a private business as VP in same type business. Left it, now president/owner of his own business, doing pretty much the same thing.

Me? I'm just retired and happy to say so.

Maximilian II · 02-06-2012, 08:55 PM

Civilian: Ignores snake, it's just a King Snake after all.

Brass Tacks · 02-06-2012, 09:16 PM

the Iranian army has a six year land war with no ground gained only to find the snake was in actuality a discarded piece of automotive heater hose

jack404 · 02-06-2012, 11:50 PM

Aussie , uses old fencing wire to kill snake eats snake looks for yams to go with it

City aussie , dances up and down calling for the police or fire brigade , and between calls to emergency services orders caffe latte with soy

StoneChimney · 02-07-2012, 05:38 AM

Texan (except from Houston, Dallas or Austin): Pees on snake, residual chili content in urine causes snake to spontaneously combust. And that's the women!

Texan (from cities named above): Attempts to pee on snake but can only successfully wet his/her pants. Buys new ridiculous designer cowboy hat and boots and drives to Oklahoma or Louisiana casino to tell bored blackjack dealers of their snake encounter.

Buckshot · 02-14-2012, 03:22 AM

Don't mess with Texas!

Gun Geezer · 02-14-2012, 03:53 PM

An older cousin of mine, now deceased, was in basic training during Korean War. While on manuvers, sleeping on the ground, in a sleeping bag, a poisonous snake sensing his body heat, bit him on the face. He nearly died. He was hospitalized for a time, then honorably discharged with a medical. He never cared much for snakes after that.

02-01-2012, 03:24 PM	#1
DixieLandMan Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Alabama Posts: 607	Snakes and the Military The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO) 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life. 15. Quartermaster: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.) 16. C-17 Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date. 17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's. 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. 22. MinuteMan Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy. 25. Signal: Tries to communicate with snake...fail repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate. Signal Officer informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to video-conference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, General Dynamics and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the 2 smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake is forgotten. -->

02-01-2012, 03:57 PM	#2
Anchor Clanker V.I.P. Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Vacaville,California Posts: 196	Re: Snakes and the Military Unified Military Service Canada does not have an Army, a Navy or an Air Force. They have a joint Unified Military Service. The United States can never have such a service. Why Not? They can't agree on words and terms. Take the word SECURE for example. You tell the Navy and Coast Guard to secure a building and they will run everybody out, turn off the lights and leave. Tell the Army to secure a building and they will run everybody out and won't let anyone back in without a pass. Tell the Marines to secure a building and they will make an armed assault after a heavy artillery bombardment and call in an air strike. Tell the Air Force to secure a building and they will take out a three year lease with an option to buy.

02-01-2012, 04:07 PM	#3
jstgsn Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Milford, Delaware Contributor Posts: 1,273	Re: Snakes and the Military The President of the United States calls a new comference and takes credit for the killing of the snake. Uses the word "I" 58 times to describe the mission. Later asks the vice president what a "snake" is? __________________ Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he will just kill you.

02-06-2012, 08:55 PM	#5
Maximilian II Advanced Senior Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Northwest GA Posts: 1,381	Re: Snakes and the Military Civilian: Ignores snake, it's just a King Snake after all. __________________ Karma is just justice, without the satisfaction. And I don't believe in justice. -Joe Sarno, bagman.

02-06-2012, 09:16 PM	#6
Brass Tacks Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: NW Arkansas Posts: 553	Re: Snakes and the Military the Iranian army has a six year land war with no ground gained only to find the snake was in actuality a discarded piece of automotive heater hose __________________ The Second Amendment, America's Original Homeland Security I don't know how I got over the hill without ever getting to the top.

02-06-2012, 11:50 PM	#7
jack404 Former Guest Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Australia Contributor Posts: 17,622	Re: Snakes and the Military Aussie , uses old fencing wire to kill snake eats snake looks for yams to go with it City aussie , dances up and down calling for the police or fire brigade , and between calls to emergency services orders caffe latte with soy Last edited by jack404; 02-06-2012 at 11:51 PM..

02-07-2012, 05:38 AM	#8
StoneChimney Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2010 Posts: 1,087	Re: Snakes and the Military Texan (except from Houston, Dallas or Austin): Pees on snake, residual chili content in urine causes snake to spontaneously combust. And that's the women! Texan (from cities named above): Attempts to pee on snake but can only successfully wet his/her pants. Buys new ridiculous designer cowboy hat and boots and drives to Oklahoma or Louisiana casino to tell bored blackjack dealers of their snake encounter. __________________ Full service gunsmithing and firearm manufacturing shop. Licensed FFL 07/02 Manufacturer. Visit our website!

02-14-2012, 03:22 AM	#9
Buckshot Senior Member Join Date: May 2009 Location: Southern AZ Posts: 884	Re: Snakes and the Military Don't mess with Texas! __________________ United States of America - Born July 4th, 1776 - Killed by 50 million brain-dead zombies November 6th, 2012 Mack: Shame what this town's come to. Charley Waite: You could do something about it. Mack: What? We're freighters. Ralph here's a shopkeeper. Charley Waite: You're men, ain't you? Mack: I didn't raise my boys just to see 'em killed. Charley Waite: Well you may not know this, but there's things that gnaw at a man worse than dying. - Open Range MOLON LABE

02-14-2012, 03:53 PM	#10
Gun Geezer Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Central Florida Posts: 1,710	Re: Snakes and the Military An older cousin of mine, now deceased, was in basic training during Korean War. While on manuvers, sleeping on the ground, in a sleeping bag, a poisonous snake sensing his body heat, bit him on the face. He nearly died. He was hospitalized for a time, then honorably discharged with a medical. He never cared much for snakes after that.