Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, "If a train was coming down the hallway, towards you, what would you do?"
"I would get in my helicopter and fly away," said Douglas.
The doctor then asked, "Where did you get the helicopter from?"
Douglas replied, "Same place you got the freakin' train."
My friend, Jack, was driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, when he had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.
A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."
Tony answered, "I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."
The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"
Again Tony answered, "I-75, two miles south of Standish."
There was a longer pause ... Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"
A man sitting at the window one evening casually calls to his wife, "Thereís that woman that the guy next door neighbor is in love with!"
His wife in the kitchen dropped the plate she was drying, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase, and looked out the window. "Where? Where?" she demanded.
"Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress."
"You idiot! Thatís his wife!"
"Yes, I know," the husband said with a satisfied grin. "I just wanted to see how FAST you could run."
A teacher asked her students what religious objects they had in their homes.
One boy answered, "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it."
The next little boy said, "We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it."
Then a third boy piped up, "In the bathroom, we have a little platform with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams, "OH MY GOD!!!"
Where O where are you tonight? Why have you gone and left me alone? I searched to world over and a thought i found true love... You met another and PTThhh you were gone....