1. I admit that I am powerless as a result of thinking responsibly and being accountable for my own actions -- my life has become unmanageable as a result of such thinking, given the context of modern America and the interdependence of its citizens.
2. I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. As an individual, I am incapable of the sort of clear thinking which takes account of the greater good of all of us. I have failed miserably to see the wisdom inherent to sending my job to China. I have wretchedly refused to learn Spanish so as to make the migration of so many to America an easier task.
3. I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of Government as I understand it. I will apply for food stamps and welfare at the earliest opportunity.
4. I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I have found myself to be untrusting of my Leaders and uncomfortable with the position into which They have placed my family and myself. I have not believed in the necessity for invading Middle Eastern countries and liberating children by killing their parents. I have doubted the existence of Weapons of Mass Destruction. I have refused to believe that some raghead in an Afghanistan cave masterminded 17 other ragheads with partial training in flying Cessnas into the single greatest exhibition of precision flying in the history of aviation. I have believed it was not necessary to kill all those babies at Waco. This must change.
5. I admit to my Government, to myself and to another human being (you) the exact nature of my wrongs: I have failed in the past to place my fate entirely in the hands of Bureaucrats; I have spoken out against illegal immigration, the growing welfare state and foreign entanglements; I have made provision for my old age without resort to public weal; I have turned from major media and to Internet sources outside America for daily news; I have failed to refinance my home and use the proceeds to buy a big-screen TV. I am not in debt for everything that I own.
6. I am entirely ready to have Government remove all my defects of character. I want to be just like everybody else: blissfully unaware and absorbed only by the contents of my refrigerator and what's on TV tonight. I want my children to attend public schools and learn the mysteries of homosexuality and the wonders of "fisting."
7. I humbly ask Government to remove my shortcomings. Enable me to accept people of color as my betters, to look upon "hate Whitey" as constructive criticism and to offer my blonde-haired daughter willingly to those of other cultures.
8. I have made a list of all persons I have harmed, and am willing to make amends to them all: the welfare mothers, the street gang members and those unable to compete with me due to the grossly inappropriate and unearned advantage provided by my background. Slave reparations, in particular, should be paid by myself to compensate those whose relationship to past slaves is proven by their skin color, because my skin color clearly brands me their oppressor.
9. I have made and stand ready to make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. I stand ready to have the Chosen bankers take my every worldly possession when the dollar inflates to the stratosphere. I confess that I was a holocaust camp guard who ground up jewish babies for soap and should therefore underwrite reparations to the millions of holocaust survivors today, especially through the purchase of all the consumer goods which now carry kosher stamps of approval, signifying the paying of such reparations as a significant portion of the cost of virtually every item in my grocery basket.
10. I have continued to take personal inventory and, when I was wrong, promptly admitted it. I have erroneously believed it not to be America's destiny to bring democracy, American-style, to all the countries of the world, whether they want it or not. I have wrongly believed that George Bush was made President by a coup and that John Ashcroft is not divinely inspired. I have dared to pay attention to the US Constitution rather than the pronouncements of the US Supreme Court.
11. I have sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with Government, as I understand It, praying only for knowledge of Its will for me and the power to carry that out. I offer my only son to die in some Arab hellhole so that Dick Cheney and his colleagues might thereby further lard their personal financial coffers.
12. I have had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. I have tried to carry this message to conservatives everywhere, and to practice these principles in all my affairs. No longer the selfish individualist, I now place the needs of others, especially those in Israel, ahead of those of my own family.
New America. An idea whose time has come.