Survival Guide to Workplace Pooping

[inplanotx]

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping
at work, following this Survival Guide for taking
a poop at work.



CROP DUSTING:


When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets
a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY:


This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If
there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch
you constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE:


This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



JAILBREAK:


When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
of what just occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH: (More people need to LEARN this one!!!)


The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime
the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



WALK OF SHAME:


Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be
a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable
walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:


This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.



THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):


A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your
sex entering the bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR:


This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.



CAMO-COUGH:


A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



ASTAIRE:


An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in
peace.



WATERMELON:


A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud
splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also
an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET:


A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an
Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.



UNCLE TODD:


An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
poop when the bathroom is empty! .


This benefits you as well as other bathroom
attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the
WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

[satellite66]

good stuff I plead guilty myself.

[358 winchester]

To many rules these days in my day we just pooped wiped and walked out

[Bruce FLinch]

Of course I love bathroom humor. Took 3 minutes of recovery time to type this

[southernshooter]

[wolfgang2000]

Somebody has wayyyyy to much time on their hands!!