White House Lines Out Awards Schedule for Remainder of Obama Administration
Washington, DC – Fresh off of accepting the Nobel Peace Prize for his good intentions to eventually do something to further the cause of world peace, President Barack Obama and his aides have lined out an awards acceptance schedule for the remainder of what they anticipate to be the President’s two terms in office. White House spokesperson and all around good guy Robert Gibbs released the Awards Acceptance Schedule at his daily press briefing on Friday.
The details are as follows:
Next week, the Government Accounting Office will give Obama it's Fiscal Conservative of the Year award for his intention to balance the federal budget. In response to a reporter’s question, Gibbs clarified, “Well, ok, he doesn’t actually intend to ‘balance’ the budget, but he does intend, by 2016, to cut the deficit down to only three times the level it reached in 2008.”
At halftime of the October 17 game between the Texas Longhorns and Oklahoma Sooners, the NCAA will present President Obama with a Lifetime Achievement Award for his intention to perform the game’s honorary coin flip. Gibbs could not confirm whether the President will actually be in Dallas that day or not, stating only that “…he certainly intends to be there, and further intends for the coin to come up heads.”
Not to be outdone, Major League Baseball will present the President with its own Special Achievement Award during the 7th inning stretch of game 1of the upcoming World Series for his intention to have thrown out the first pitch, whether he actually does so or not. Gibbs did confirm that the President would definitely be there if and only if the Chicago Cubs are declared to be the National League Champions, and all seven World Series Games are played at Wrigley Field. Major League Baseball officials are currently in negotiations with all eight teams that actually qualified for the playoffs, and said they would do their best to accommodate the President’s stipulations.
In early December, the Downtown Athletic Club of New York will present President Obama with the Heisman Trophy for Obama's intention to have rushed for more than 2,200 yards this season.
Next February, the Motion Picture Academy of America will nominate President Obama for an Oscar for his intention to have played the lead roles in “Couples Retreat”, and “Transformers II”. Gibbs told the press that the President would have preferred the role in the Transformers movie because “…he really has the hots for Megan Fox.” Gibbs went on to say that the President would be thrilled to accept the Oscar in person if the awards ceremony were to be held in his home town of Chicago and hosted by former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.
In April of 2012, the Academy of Country Music will present the President with an ACM Award for a duet he intends to sing with Carrie Underwood. When asked by reporters which song the President and Ms. Underwood would record, Gibbs asked in turn “Why would you simply assume they are actually going to record a song? You guys really need to try to keep up here.”
In September, 2013, MTV will present the President with its Video of the Year Award. During his acceptance speech, the President intends to be interrupted by Kanye West, who will declare “ ‘Scuse me, Barack, ah mon’ let you finish, but Michelle has the best arms of all time!”
In March of 2014, Good Housekeeping Magazine will award the President with its Seal of Approval for his intention to pick up his dirty clothes on April 22 of that year.
In 2015, President Obama will be declared Miss Congeniality by the judges of the Miss America Pageant for his intention to be the nicest and most personable man in the contestants’ locker room. Later in the year, the Miss Universe Pageant will declare the President to be the winner of the Evening Gown competition for his intention to model a stunning number designed by Oscar de la Renta.
In 2016, President Obama will be awarded a gold medal at the Rio de Janiero Summer Olympics for his intention to win the decathlon competition. President Obama will accept the award from Oprah Winfrey in Chicago. In preparation for the awards ceremony, Gibbs said the President intends to learn all the words to the national anthem, and would represent all 57 states equally at the event.
And finally, to cap off his administration, on January 19, 2017, President Obama will award himself the Presidential Medial of Freedom for his intention to have done something or other that might or might not be positive for the country, and possibly even the rest of the world, during his two terms in office.
Gibbs pointed out that this was merely the first iteration of the Administration’s awards acceptance schedule, and that like the U.S. Constitution, it is a document that will constantly evolve and often be completely ignored as the Obama presidency moves forward.
One award that has eluded Obama for the present is the Summers Eve Award.
This award, sponsored by Summer's Eve, will be given to Albert Gore, Jr. next June in honor of his extraordinarly douchey beheavior in perpetrating the single biggest fraud in the history of mankind.
President Obama will not be eligible for nomination until he signs a cap and trade law into effect.
“Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not” — Thomas Jefferson.
"The American people will never knowingly adopt socialism. But, under the name of 'liberalism,' they will adopt every fragment of the socialist program, until one day America will be a socialist nation, without knowing how it happened." - Norman Thomas, U.S. Socialist Party presidential candidate 1940, 1944 and 1948