Who Farted? Name Your Fart! The Best Fart Name/Story Wins!

[Admin]

Fart story competition!

Who you ask is the one who decides the winner?

You do, whoever has the funniest fart name, and or Fart story, ripper, etc, that makes us laugh the most, wins!

All Names & stories must be original, no fart stuff that's been
well known, or nation/worldwide fluterblasted around before,
i.e. already known/spread around lol!

Now don't give me no crap, you know that farts & turds are
funny, but farts, and fart stories are especially funny!

I'll start it off, but of course, mine don't count, BUTT it's funny!

Back in about 1968-69 I was visiting me brother, his wife had her
favorite chair that she sat in ALL the time(an they twert no way
anybody was get'n her ass out dat seat when that thang wuz in it) so one night when family all happened to be there(I think
it was Thanksgivin) I placed one of them rubber thangs that
you blow up like a balloon, I believe they're called a "Whoopie
Cushion" or sumthing like that.

Anyway, I bought one at the local Hobby Shop/Toy Store, and when noone was look'n, I placed it on her favorite comfort/TV watch'n chair.

Well, low & behold, after all the eat'n and crappin was complete,
she commenced to head'n fer her favorite chair in the sittin room
with a big fat piece of chocolate cake in her hand.

I thought for sure that she would see it, and my game would be up (as it was a huge pink colored mutha) but she apparently was too dam busy concentrat'n on dat cake lol, so I watched her collard green eat'n ass start ta turn around and DROP down
inta that chair as usual.

I expected a HUGE & LONG'ass FARRRRRRRRRRT noise!

BUTT (lol) much to mine and probably 25-people's amazement,
when she dropped, it "BLEW UP" like Napalm (had dat gasoline smell don't'cha know) I think she farted at at the same time, cause the "Mo Fo" stunk ta high heaven!

I mean this thing not only blew up, and I lost my dollar, but this felt & sounded like a dam earth quake, like a #10-on the rectum scale, cause I sho-nuff ain't nev'a had da shitz like dat be-fo!

I never did see nobody's glasses pop off they heads before neither

When she sat, this thing blew out the window behind her!

After all these years, I still can't help but break up and laugh,
maybe ya had to be there, but if you had seen the look on her
face, and the way that that cake that flew every which'a way, you would appreciate it.

There now, when have you ever heard of an admin holding ANY
kind of a contest like a Fart contest?

Your Toyn!

[jimejones]

Almost 40 years ago I was stationed on a small Navy base with Robert. He could eat a handfull of beans on Monday and toot all week. He could put-put-put, burble, whistle, and roar. Of course we kidded him incessantly.

One day when he was in rare form, I bought a box of Tampex and lettered ROBERT'S FART FILTERS on it. I also wrote the same on the paper bag it came in. The next time he sounded off, we had a ceremony and presented him the Tampex. He glanced into the bag, saw the familiar box, and said, "Gee, Thanks, guys, I'll take these home to the old lady."

When he arrived home, his wife was talking with the next door Navy wife. He put the incriminating bag in the trash, handed his wife the box, and said, "Here's something for you, hon."

His wife was foreign born and spoke good English, but there were some words she hadn't seen in print. While Robert was in the next room, she called to him, "Robert. It has your name on it. What does f a r t spell?" The neighbor's wife immediately knew what had happened and told her husband. By the next day the whole base knew. We never did find out if Tampex can muffle the roar.

[Admin]

Good one jimejones!

[wuzzagrunt]

Not much of a story to tell, really. More of a "you had to be there" kind of thing but it totally slayed me when it happened.

I had an old Rottweiller dog named Mack. The old warrior liked to sleep with his head on my feet when I sat on the couch and that was fine with me. Mack had reached the age where he stunk pretty bad from both ends but he had, long since, earned my forebearance. If company didn't like his "earthy" aroma, well, they could just stay the heck home.

One night--with a living room full of guests--he cut loose with an ill wind that words cannot begin to describe. So bad, it was, that he woke himself from a sound sleep. He got up, looked me right in the eye, growled and "Harrumphed" at me (the way only an old Rotty can). He then about-faced and stomped off to go sleep in the bedroom, down the hall. As I looked around the room I could see that my guests had just gotten the answer to the question everyone was too horrified to ask. I laughed so hard, my wife thought she was gonna have to call the paramedics to bring an oxygen tank (there was little enough oxygen left in the room after he dropped his bomb).

I could never prove it but I know that he knew who the real assasin was.

[Boomatic]

Dog Farts!

I had an old Golden Retriever named Darby...died just last year. He was a great companion...like you always dream about dogs being. He went everywhere with me. Protected me, played with me and my daughter...and brought me more birds than I could ever count.

In his last few years he had that common dog flatulence problem. But he was a big Golden...about 105 lbs. His farts were, as such, 105 pounders too. Darby could wake himself from a deep sleep and go from being curled up contentedly to being up on all fours barking at his ass in a split second. It was kinda like chasin' your tail to him. He would turn in circles fartin' and barkin'! His farts actually startled him!

No one who ever witnessed it could keep a straight face!!

Mid 1950s, NAS North Island San Diego, enlisted mens huge barracks by swimming pool area (dilbert dunker). One of the sailors was flatulent expert to say the least.

One day some of the crew got fed up with his stinky farts and suggested he light a match to rid them of his smell.

He said OK, and while wearing his skivies he lit a stick match and held it next to his backside and farted...you never seen such a flame thrower as he projected that day.

Everyone thought he must have worked in the circus before joining the Navy.

GG

[jc3]

Two years ago, as our company was just starting in a partnership with a Korean company to produce their product for them, we were meeting with their rep. This was a closed door meeting and their rep had only been in this country for a few months at the time. Now, we all know about Americans and Montezuma's revenge... but let me tell you, 'ol Monte has nothing on Davy Crockett when it comes to Koreans!
About 10 minutes into the meeting "Mr. Sung" started to feel a little queasy, but it's a big thing to them not to admit any weakness. Don't want to lose face. After about 20 min his stomach really started rumbling, we were all looking at each other. After 30 min, it hit. Now, I have nothing against Korean food (he had his own shipped in so that he didn't have to eat American food), but MY LORD the smell! We lasted as long as we could take it (the future of our company WAS on the line). After an hour of this one of the engineers slipped out, waited 5 min and started paging each of us one at a time. Beepers going off all around the room! Thank God I wasn't the last one left in there with him! When he finally came out of the room, the office space around the room had been evacuated, and the nurse had 3 patients from the smell. I shouldn't make fun of him, he really was sick, but he kept us in there gagging and wouldn't let us leave! We had to fake a plant emergency to escape. That night the maintenence crew, quite literally with masks on, went in and scrubbed the room with Pinesol to kill the smell.
Now dog fart are pretty stout, but they have nothing on hour long bad Kimchee farts!

[inplanotx]

those with dialup this will take time to download, but I thought it was worth it! No guts no glory! Enjoy

http://www.cutestuf.com/flash_0203/splishsplashbaby.swf

[armedandsafe]

I was up in Gallup New Mexico on a Pershing missile shoot when a friend and I decided to take in the town, because we didn't have a firing scheduled for the next day. We were parked up on the mountain, sleeping in the back of my International van to save a nickle or two, with my 95lb standard hunting poodle. Bill and I spent a number of hours in town, drinking beer and eating hardboiled eggs and pepperoni.

We returned in the weeeeeee hours of the morning and crawled in with the dog for some sleep. About an hour later, the dog woke us up with the most horrific whining and scratching I'd ever heard. We both rolled out of the van with guns drawn and watched as the dog crawled under the van. It was only when we decided to get back in the van that we realized what Cyrano had been complaining about. Took 2 days for me to convince the dog to get into a car. He never did get back in that van.

[SouthernMoss]

I've tried to remain ladylike and stay out of this thread, but a friend showed me this video, and it just fits in so well here....

Flaming Fart


Please pardon the intrusion SM...

Hee hee, now you know why its important to wear clothing and not to try this nude...still its risky and not smart.

GG

jc3
I can vouch for the Korean food farts. Kimchi some of that hot brown sauce and green stuff will put a person down and out.



A friend of mine was on his hands and knees underneath a UH1 working on something. A bunch of us are standing around talking. The Company Commander who was a real smartass 0-3 walks up. He pokes his head under the aircraft right next to the soldiers ass. He opens his mouth to ask a question and the soldier underneath let a ripper go. Cpt. William Walsh blew up and threw a temper tantrum. Funniest dang thing I had ever seen.

[Smokin Guns]

What ya'll are talkin 'bout...cuz I don't "FART"... ...

I don't either ever since I went to Midais Muffler shop.

GG

[bigboom338]

Ok hers one fer ya, We worked cattle today, I cut 50 bull calves if you have never done this you gotta lift the tail straight up so they wont kick ya anyhow about half of them I cut had this little motor boat syndrome going on so by the time we were done I had about a pound of calf poop all over my face and beard. "tastes like sh-t and less filling".

[Admin]

Great stuff, funny as hell, I think I crapped me pants laughing lol!

[wuzzagrunt]

I just knew this thread was gonna be trouble!

[Smokin Guns]

Found a new product on the market...that might help some of ya that got's this problem... ...

[inplanotx]

ROFLMAO! you keep costing me keyboards, Smokin! Thud

[1952Sniper]

This is the story as my wife tells it. The story comes from her previous marriage.

Her husband at the time was a mechanic, and when he wasn't at work he was out in the garage rebuilding Studebakers. Apparently he had a habit of lifting one leg and letting them rip while working out there alone. No harm, no foul, right?

Well one day he had his eldest son out there with him. He apparently decided it was OK to do this with the kid in there. He lifted one leg, and suddenly his eyes got REAL big. He started walking slowly toward the door.

When he came into the house and she saw the look on his face, she asked him what was wrong. He ignored her and kept walking. The son came in a minute later, face all red, and told her "Dad filled up his boot!"

LMAOROTF, Rick...there goes another keyboard for you...

GG

[inplanotx]

Yea Jim, between Sniper and Smokin Gun's, Fry's has made a killing on my buying keyboards lately.

Thanks Sniper. THUD

[1952Sniper]

Ok, here's another one. Same guy. Apparently he was pretty gifted with his flatulence, as most of the stories about him revolve around this subject. He drank a lot of beer, and you know how beer farts can be.

My wife's daughter, Sara, who was very young at the time, would follow adults around everywhere. Even when I married my wife and Sara was 14 years old, she would follow us around. I guess she is just naturally nosy, but you couldn't shake this kid. Sometimes you wouldn't even know she was there.

Anyway, one day he was outside in the garden pulling some plants for supper. The way my wife tells the story, Sara must have been about 4 years old. Apparently he did not know Sara was following him. He thought he was alone in the garden. I guess he thought to himself "what the heck, i'm all stooped over, I might as well vent to the flare stack." So he had been walking while bent over and pulling plants, so he stopped to do the deed. At the precise moment he stopped and let one go, Sara (who was RIGHT behind him, and just tall enough to be eye-level with the offending part of the body) ran right into him.

She got a face full of it. She screamed and ran inside to tell Mommy what he had done to her, thinking that he had done it on purpose. They still laugh about it to this day.

[armedandsafe]

Damb, Now you got MY keyboard. When I was in the business, I used to clean keyboards with alcohol, but I don't think beer is quite the same thing.

Sniper, you is a menace to keyboards. Hee hee...

Gunguy

[Smokin Guns]

Sniper, Ya need ta send me this feller's address...they're startin' ta manufacture the "New Product"...in a caulking tube...I'ma thinkin' said feller could use it...