MRE date night e-mail (few curse words)

[45nut]

This is absolutely HILARIOUS..for those of us who have eaten these
> things, we can definitely understand how she felt-----
>
> The following is a true story... Told from the point of view of a young
> Marine.
>
> I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before,
> the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for
> dinner.
>
> After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
> settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten
> before.
>
> I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations
> that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in each meal.
>
> Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic
> packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of
> Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and
> some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops
> in one pan, sautd in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I
> blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort
> of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices,
> and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the
> oven for about
> 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
>
> When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a
> bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese
> (kinda like
> Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans
> (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right? For
> dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets
> of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up
> and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous Sh!t ,
> and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.. Voilaanger Pudding.
>
> For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
> Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"...it
> sells for
> $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of
> "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
> that).
> It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with
> sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... Could've been
> leftover sand from Egypt ). I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers
> in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren
> Academy -series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place
> settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the
> alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
>
> She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
> spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
> food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!" We dug in, and she loved the
> food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to
> make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about
> cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I had
> set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank
> four glasses during dinner.
>
> At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
> with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
> Okay...
> Yeah... Its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... Yup!
>
> Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
> rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh
> oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.
> Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air
> Freshener,
> 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and
> returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
>
> After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
> bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is
> WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the
> porcelain bowl.
> This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll
> being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
>
> Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
> instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her
> chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a
> word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and
> didn't come out for 30 minutes.
>
> I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
> hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a
> slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have
> NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I
> keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she
> finally settled down and relaxed.
>
> Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had
> enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her
> all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to
> her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field
> Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I
> ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"
>
> After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without
> a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't crap for 5 days, and
> when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it
> from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to
> combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook
> dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising.
>
> It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that
> was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd
> been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in
> tears on the couch.
>
I know... I'm an a-hole, but it was still a funny night.

[Trouble 45-70]

Wonder how this would have turned out with C an K rations.

My kids have brought home some MREs and they aren't bad but I still prefer home cooking.

[USMCSpeedy]

Creative cooking at its best!! I ate them things two meals a day for 2 1/2 months. I think I still have gas from them.

[ampaterry]

45, the tears are flowing here too -
GREAT story!!

[Eddie N]

Sounds like a delicious meal to me.

[woolleyworm]

Not the kind of panty-dropping that I'm after on a date !

[wpage]

You really know how to impress the girls...

[armedandsafe]

Originally Posted by Eddie N

Sounds like a delicious meal to me.

Sounds like a malicious meal to me.

There. I corrected your little spelling error.

Pops

[red14]

Can't wait to hear her reaction when she reads about it here.

[BETH]

Hey good one she asked u to do it-hey nice picture Red

[Maximilian II]

Am I the only one to actually LIKE MRE's? Of course I do have that overall odd fascination with military food.
I want to try some of the French rarions, and the Italian as well.

I know the likely cause. Dad was a cook in the military, made Master Sergeant during Korean era. I grew up eating his cooking!

[Eddie N]

Originally Posted by armedandsafe

Sounds like a malicious meal to me.

There. I corrected your little spelling error.

Pops

Thanks, Pops. I never would have known.

Originally Posted by Maximilian II

Am I the only one to actually LIKE MRE's? Of course I do have that overall odd fascination with military food.
I want to try some of the French rarions, and the Italian as well.

I know the likely cause. Dad was a cook in the military, made Master Sergeant during Korean era. I grew up eating his cooking!

No. I'll eat them any time they're available. C-rations, too.