The Encyclopedia of Flatulence

[Jerryboy]

Now for the little young 'uns, according to concerns about the safety of learning these ghastly information, if you are under the age of 10, press Ctrl-W to get a yummy cookie from me!

The rest of you continue on...

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

Have you wondered why you fart? Have you wondered what kinds of farts there are? Do you know what the SBD is? Well, think no more! Your questions will be answered! Actually, only the 2nd and 3rd questions will be answered. The first...well, you can look it up on Wikipedia.


Now, time to cut the cheese!



The Right Honorable List Of Farting.


SILENT BUT DEADLY (SBD) FART : The type that remains totally
inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse.
Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time
to distinguish an odor.

EGGY FART : Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen
Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch.
Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.

WINDY FART : The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is
more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably
less toxic.

GROWLING FART : Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore
has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to
growl like a dog at the vets.

WORRYING FART : The kind which seems to be a Fart right
up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters
become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to
the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.

PRELUDE TO A POOPIE : You feel like you have got a large
Beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of
something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give
birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

COMPOST FART : You know the compost heap that a gardener
keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you
will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like.
Do not attempt this one while you have company.

BEEFY ONE : Sounds loud, and butch eg. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!'. Will
smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow
and a dogturd.

PRESENT (a.k.a 'TIME I WASN'T HERE' FART): The type of
fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a
housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God
you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were
in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.

SQUEAKY FART : Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.

BUNBUSTER FART : 'BRAAA!' Sounds like a Beefy one, except
much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells
eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these
babies.

TROUSER RIPPING SPECIAL : Sends seismic ripples to the next
city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts,
and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby
at the time will suffer hearing loss.

ESCAPE POD FART : You think you got away with this one.
You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You
take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible.
You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as
if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and
splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look
innocent.

BREWER FART : You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong,
but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to
the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.

SPHINCTAL NAPALM : Tends to occur a few hours after a hot
curry. Nevermind the smell, worry about the burning sensation
and the nasty stain you know it must have left.

STALKER FART : Occurs when you leave the room to politely
fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your
flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The
foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticised
for poor manners.

BURBLE FART : Bubbly!

ON THE SPOT FART : You didn't even know it was there, but
suddenly 'Brrmp'.

NOT NOW! (a.k.a ANAL CONTROL FART): You feel the presence
of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation.
Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such
inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard
that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure
to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law
tends to win out in the end.

HYDRATED FLATULATION (a.k.a WET FART): The original wet
fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold
wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little
bugger, but you feel right at home with it.

GNL FART: Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going
to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this
is much more than a fart...

GNL II FART: You take a gamble that it's going to be a small quiet
odor free fart, but it's actually more like an explosion and there is no
doubt that you are the stinker.

UNDERWATER FART: Often done in the bath, or while swimming.
Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelt on
rising to the surface, and experienced windbreakers will often
catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.

GUNSHOT FART: Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are
exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know
they even exist.

One report continues: "I have
only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the
poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time.
She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named."

A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving their
existance.

TANDEM FART: Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest
lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are
the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle
(bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled.
A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts
and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be
extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's
nose.
Extremely discusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem
farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.

STOLEN FART: Someone else lets it, but it's so good that you
claim it.

THE DOG FART: You let a fart so big, that you have to blame it
on the dog.

THE TWIST-OF-FATE DOG FART: The dog lets a fart so big that
everyone blames it on you!
Somehow 'The dog did it' just doesn't cut the mustard.

SILENT BUT VIOLENT FART: This type of fart is not heard, but
will cause facial hair to disintegrate, nasal passages to blister from
the burn, eyes to water, and nausea.

BLIND DATE FART (a.k.a On the spot Fart): Happens while you are
on a blind date or meeting new people. While getting to know each other,
looking your best, and putting your best face forward -BRRAAMP- You pray
that it wasn't heard, and try to play it off while others look
uncomfortable.

SHOW OFF FART: A fart that you purposly give off to show what a
loud smelly one you can make.

BARKING SPIDER FART: A non-smelling fart which occurs in a crowded
place. The farter cannot be identified and the sound is therefore blamed
on a 'Barking Spider'.

CRACKER JACK FART: Just like the well known caramel-covered chocolate
treat, the cracker jack fart comes with a surprise in it --and off you
go to the bathroom walking funny and hoping they are not out of toilet
paper.

THE BOWL FART: While squatting on the bowl, anticipating the arival
of a brown trout your gut blazes a trail for it by blowing a massive
blast. The deep dish and hollow bowl allow for a nice reverb effect.

LONELY FART: This is the type you do when you're on your own, so you
don't care about the smell or the noise. Usually provoked.

LOUD AND DEADLY FART: Like the silent but deadly fart -except it is
heard by everyone, and it will cause people to faint.

FLUTTERBUSTER FART: Farting whilst seated on a vinyl covered surface.

MORNING FART: The first thing out of bed fart. Long, loud, and not too
smelly.

WALKING FART: The kind that makes a little sound every time you take
a step.

SHOWER FART: That unwanted fart that occurs right after you walk out of
the shower feeling fresh and nice. These usually leave a warm sensation
to be cherished.

ONE CHEEK SNEAK FART: This fart happens when you put your weight on one
butt cheek and lift the other up. This is totally silent but often have
disastrous results about two minutes later -everyone faints in that
room.

SILENT....BUT EGGY FART: The kind of fart you do when you're with a
crowd. It is silent, but mings like a rotten egg.

ASS BLASTER FART: Like an M80 exploding in your ass.

TIMEX FART: Very rare fart, lasting at least 10 minutes
-if not longer. A variation on the theme, the Acuse Fart is roughly
the same but smells worse, and so you get the blame.

MARIOS JUMP FART: Named after the famous and acclaimed Mario Jump,
which, well, ..you know... sounds like Mario's Jump -TOUUNG. Rather
Quiet.

BANANA FART: A roughly silent fart that squeaks out an oderous gas
that smells like a rotten smelly old banana. (See COMPOST FART).

BANANANA FART: As above, but longer.....

GOBBLE FART: Sounds like a turkey gobbling....

THE MACHINE GUN FART: Sounds so much like a machine gun. Usually happens going down the stairs. eg. Bababababa....*pause* Babababababa....etc...

Various sounds include but not limited to: Phbbbbbbbb..POOF; And a sound that kind of sounds like a car sliding on its brakes but short, and repeated.

I take no credit for this

[langenc]

ORPHAN FART-- little stinker without a POP.

[Iron Eagle]

I am busting a gut!

[targetacqmgt]

SBD-WMD Fart

This a combo fart of several of the listed ones. It is silent but so leathal when triggered in a 80 man bay barracks it will wake everyone up in barracks and gas them to the point of death. There are several possible survival responses: 1) if equipped with grab your NBC mask and put it on immediately (be advised the filters in the mask begin to degrade immediately-so you MUST exit the contaminated are as soon as possible 2) roll out of your bunk and get your nose as close as possible to the deck(so close you get splinters in your nose from the wooden barracks floor) and low crawal to the nearest fresh air exit note: the fresh air may NOT be sufficient to revive the victim OXY should be administered as soon as possible.

The perp is easily ID'd as he/she is usually so drunk they will stand, sit, lay down in the middle of the contaminated area and continue to emit SBD-WMD's.

If the perp survivies his/her own NBC weapons grade fart (for some reason the usually do. It is suspected this is due to their intoxication), he/she will receive a "blanket party" consisting of senior petty officers beating the perp with sock that has a bar of soap in it and warned if such a weapons grade fart is ever released around "friendlies" again a "death" sentence will executed as proscribed in the UCMJ.

[Carne Frio]

For your aural pleasure !
http://www.fart-sounds.net/fart_sound_board_2.htm
and pull my finger---Mister Nice Hands:
http://www.misternicehands.com/

[targetacqmgt]

we obviously have too much time on our hands lol

[68c15]

campsite morning fart

you held it all night and when leaving tent you release pressure. these can last 30 seconds and have a faintly visible cloud. most often induced by large amounts of alcoholic beverages the night prior. subsequent nights are spent in a tent on the perimeter of camp down wind from the general population.

[jack404]

political farting

what happens when obozo's teleprompter breaks

[01brian]

Went to the doctors for silent gas and was fitted for hearing aides!

My wife always reminds me..."WE CAN HEAR!!!"