The LARK Program
THE LARK PROGRAM
A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the
treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan/Iraq war.
Attached is the copy of a letter they received back:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of
the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was
heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to
learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are
creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next
Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in
your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to
hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections, in
conjunction with the Red Cross, to ensure that your care for Ahmed is
commensurate with international standards and those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic, extremely violent, and was trying
to kill at least 20 women and children as we captured him, we hope that
your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem"
will help him overcome these character flaws. I might add that he will
bite you, or worse, given the chance. However, perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known
to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm
sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over
time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his
religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching
Pres. George W. Bush
CC: Donald Rumsfeld
Anything worth shooting once, is worth shooting again.
If it ain't broke, break it. Someone needs the work