Martha Steward vs. ME

TShooters
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Posts: 331
(7/3/01 1:27:30 pm)
| Del All Martha Steward vs. ME
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Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating
it anyway.

*****
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter
onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30
seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

*****
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in
the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.

*****
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of
salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells
off anyway?

*****
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring
them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen
counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box
springs.

*****
Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,
simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of
pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

*****
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray
before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

*****
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

*****
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's
still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for an instant "fix me up"

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how
bad it tastes. ( Two items on the menu: Take it or leave it! )

*****
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

*****
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing
egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

*****
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to
soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

*****
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar
to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

*****
Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it
in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises
to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you
will know it wasn't fresh.

*****
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half
and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you
can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye,
and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now
blind.

*****
Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze
into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

*****
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using
latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening
jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute next-door neighbor to do it.

*****
Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers.
Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial
soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

*****
Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
*Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes,
brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous
china. *Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase
or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. *Polish
jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse
the jewelry for two minutes. *Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with
water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or
longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some
Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once


Sharon


Winter11
Member
Posts: 79
(7/3/01 1:45:12 pm)
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Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
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LMAO - That was GREAT!!!!

Have to send that one to my sisters - one is a Martha Freek and the other is just NOT. They'll get a real kick out of it!

Great Post!


*** ...leftover wine? ***
hahahahahahahahahahaha



homer4
Moderator
Posts: 1060
(7/3/01 2:36:05 pm)
| Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
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Another good one from ya.! yeah, I agree..." Leftover wine ? " Hehe!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

dreamcatcher27371
Member
Posts: 94
(7/3/01 3:38:49 pm)
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Me too! I think. WhointhehellsMartha? Whasamatter wid
weftover line? hic! Hey Homer! Git Martha and a sex-pack
and bringer over. She do sailers? We'll show er whut happened
when Rindercellar slopped her dripper. Borrow sum money and
come on.

LarryJK
Senior Chief Moderator III
Posts: 317
(7/3/01 4:00:24 pm)
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Sharon...FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY!!! LOL!

homer4
Moderator
Posts: 1069
(7/3/01 4:28:06 pm)
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Be right thete Catch!...just hit Donna up for a few...the good hearted Lass. I'll check the Lounge and Mike's and all the other waterin holes for Ole Martha and be there as quick as I can.

Better find the other Salts...Chief and Stan and Geno...the Catch is three sheets now.
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Edited by: homer4 at: 7/5/01 11:32:32 am

Misterstan
Moderator
Posts: 362
(7/3/01 5:04:10 pm)
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Hey, guys and gals. I don't think Martha Stewart liked what you said about her way of doing things....



Misterstan

LarryJK
Senior Chief Moderator III
Posts: 321
(7/3/01 6:03:38 pm)
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Stan...neato!!

TShooters
V.I.P. Member
Posts: 334
(7/3/01 6:33:14 pm)
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Darn, Stan!

Guess this means I have to put the "leftover" wine back and get my butt in the kitchen.


Sharon

P.S. That was too KEWL!

Edited by: TShooters at: 7/3/01 7:45:10 pm

TShooters
V.I.P. Member
Posts: 335
(7/3/01 6:36:27 pm)
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Ha ha ha ,Winter! Burnin' the firecracker a both ends, eh?
Martha makes it look so easy! Yeah...Right!

Sharon



TShooters
V.I.P. Member
Posts: 336
(7/3/01 6:38:39 pm)
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ROTFLOL, Larry D & Homer!!

I can just see ya'll goin' around and askin' all the girls if they're Martha Stewart!
Gosh, I hope your reflexes are good on that bend back/get out of the way thang!

Sharon

TShooters
V.I.P. Member
Posts: 337
(7/3/01 6:43:55 pm)
| Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
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, LarryJK...glad ya liked that.

I hear Martha has a SWAT team (So Wonderful At That) helpin' her do all those neat things she does.

Sharon

homer4
Moderator
Posts: 1074
(7/3/01 8:19:45 pm)
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" UH! Catch!, I UH! have a bit of a stomach ache Pal, perhaps I best tend to it tonight". " I'll catch up with ya when I'm feeling better bud ", he moans and slips away bent over holding his tummy amid groans. Shouting back weakly, " Chief and Stan and Geno will with ya shortly to take ya to The Lounge bud to hook up with Monste...UH! ER!...Martha " adding..." Have fun Ole Buddy "...

...gets around the corner,stands erect, spits, takes his sleve... wipes his brow and..." Dang!!!, them Sailors sure don't mind ugly women none "..."Hey!, any port in a storm they like to say! "

Feels Donna's recent " Roses are Red " money...pauses and weighs the matter..." NAH ! "...and heads off in the direction of Mike's Place...figuring it's already in his pocket and should be spent..." I'll pay her back later and delight her with the same fee's. "

Takes to whistling...
...and two hard boiled eggs.

Edited by: homer4 at: 7/5/01 11:33:37 am

dreamcatcher27371
Member
Posts: 95
(7/3/01 9:05:45 pm)
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Hey Homer, Wher's Marfa? Where's money? Marfa can take gud
care of thet belly ache. Whatcha mean "any sort in a porm?"
Sailer's are perticuler in spect to wimmen. Thas sailer's hell -
a bottle wif a hole innit and wimmen wifout nary one. Now haint thas a bitch? I'm sill stitting here waitin' fer sum spirits so me an Marfa can git down to the brass tacks. Hurry up mate. See if at gal called Boom Boom can tag along. Mistir
Stan the Man done shanghai'd outta here. Sed sumptin bout
having t'fix a floppy disk. Marfa probly wudn't like at either. Ain't no need to nock when you git here..door's open


Tac401
Administrator
Posts: 944
(7/3/01 9:16:09 pm)
| Del
ezSupporter
Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
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Butt puppets anyone eh!

JD
The Firearms Forum Vietnam Memories Bulletin Board Contact Administrator

homer4
Moderator
Posts: 1086
(7/4/01 4:27:08 am)
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Hehe!
...and two hard boiled eggs.

homer4
Moderator
Posts: 1087
(7/4/01 5:10:46 am)
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Ring! Ring!... Bump!...Bing...Bang...picking up the fallen and previously cracked phone... " hailwo "

" Larry, Homer here, I "...

" Hailwo ! "

" Hey Bud!, it's Homer here, I "...

" Homa ain hare "

Click!

Aw Catch! Hehe!...Dial Dial! Dial...

" hailwo "

" LARRY!, Don't say a word and don't hang up!..it's Homer here "...

" Tol ya!...Homa Ain Hare!...an my...HICK!...phone so hare's a coupa my words fa yar smar ass...#*&^_(@!"<!...an...%$+#@!>&^:$!...take dat frum an ol Salt!...Hick...Tell me a shua up! "

CLICK!!!

" Good Grief! " , he remarks placing the receiver on the hook, saunters back to his stool..." No worries...he'll handle Martha well enough...Hehe "

...and two hard boiled eggs.

TShooters
V.I.P. Member
Posts: 344
(7/5/01 9:15:48 pm)
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Butt puppets, JD??????????????

(hopes he'll 'splain that one 'cause I'm built so low the fast ones go right over my head)

Sharon







Edited by: TShooters at: 7/6/01 2:47:24 pm

Tac401
Administrator
Posts: 959
(7/5/01 9:31:04 pm)
| Del
ezSupporter
Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
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Butt Puppets are what was burned on an ongoing
basis in Nam, they came from the Latrine, get the
picture now Sharon? LOL!

JD
The Firearms Forum Vietnam Memories Bulletin Board Contact Administrator

TShooters
V.I.P. Member
Posts: 353
(7/6/01 1:49:29 pm)
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, JD !!! Okay...Gotcha now!

Sharon