Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks:

[22WRF]

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks:

General

* Never take a beer to a job interview.
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and
pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home

* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
a taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners are.

Personal Hygiene

* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
foods.

Dating (outside the family)

* Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
* Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

Weddings

* Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
* For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
* Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

Driving Etiquette

* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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[armedandsafe]

Uncle Orville (Mom's Uncle) married a girl from the hills of West Virginia. His new Father-inLaw approached him after the ceremony with some advice.

"Now, Orville, we raised Rose here to be a good woman, but she does have a hard streak in her. Don't be afraid to take the switch to her when she needs it."

Then, he turned to the bride, and handed her a package. "Here's that Smith & Wesson .38 you've been wanting."

Rose had that gun all her life and Uncle Orville NEVER laid a hand on her in anger.

Pops