Instructions on how to change the oil in your car - FOR WOMEN
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 mins. later write a check and leave w/a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change $20.00
OIL CHAN! GE INSTRUCTIONS - FOR MEN
(THIS WILL TAKE SOME TIME TO READ BECAUSE OF HOW GOOD MEN DO AN OIL
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store & buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner & a scented tree, write a check for $50
2) Stop by 7-11 & buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
3) Open a beer & drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 mins. looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer & drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up & use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on U in the process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face & arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car & hammer a screwdriver through oil filter &
16) Crawl out from under car w/dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid! environ mental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer w/him. Decide to finish oil change
tomorrow so U can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
backyard instead of taking it to be recycled!
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
23) Dump 1st quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole & sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt
into hole. Steal san! d from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground & avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that 1st quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty
litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes w/oily rag
used to clean drain plug. Slip w/stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
plug & bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
&nb! sp; &nbs p;
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 mins.
37) Clean up hands & forehead & bandage as required to stop blood flow.
40) Dump in 5 fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush ! remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over & arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hrs. later, get car from impound yard.
DUI $2, 500.00
Impound fee $75.00
TOTAL -- $4,165.00
BUT U KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT!!