Thanksgiving, the Turkey, Martha, and Me

TShooters
V.I.P. Member
Posts: 697
(11/9/01 7:52:26 pm)
| Del All
Thanksgiving, the Turkey, Martha, and Me
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Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so
don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart
won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade,
paper bag luminaries.
After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how
cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not
have the desired welcoming effect. Once
inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is
not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and
fall foliage I had planned to make.
Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the
decorating by having them track in colorful autumn
leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with
expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets.
If possible, we will use dishes that match
and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS
Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic
Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins
from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be
the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised.
Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like
decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction
paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children
will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they
will be happy to share every choice comment
I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims
and the turkey hotline. Please remember that
most of these comments were made at 5:00
a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard
enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the
children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming.
If the children should mention that I don't own a
recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming
sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes
dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver
bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end,
we chose to keep our traditional method.

We've also decided against a formal seating
arrangement. When the
smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table
and sit where you
like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the
children to sit at a
separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one
person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of
appreciative onlookers. This will not be
happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the
turkey will be carved in a private ceremony.
I stress "private" meaning:
Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen
to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting
children to check on my progress. I have an electric
knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason
that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind
my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not
a football play. Nor is it a request to bean
your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.
Oh, and one reminder for the adults:
For the duration of the meal, and especially while
in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the
giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce.
If a young diner questions you regarding the origins
or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.
Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change.
Instead of offering a choice between 12
different scrumptious desserts, we
will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie,
garnished with whipped cream and small
fingerprints. You will still have a choice;
take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this
Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next
year either. I am thankful.

(Author Unknown)

Winter11
Moderator
Posts: 406
(11/12/01 5:24:03 pm)
| Del
Re: Thanksgiving, the Turkey, Martha, and Me
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THAT WAS GREAT!!!!

AWESOME!!!

Gotta pass that one on!!!


LMAO --- A LOT

TShooters
V.I.P. Member
Posts: 705
(11/12/01 8:00:39 pm)
| Del
Re: Thanksgiving, the Turkey, Martha, and Me
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, Winter.

I'm not a Martha-fan, but did catch a program the other
day where she showed how to stuff a turkey from both
ends. The first time I cooked a turkey was traumatic.
Who knows...I may try cookin' a turkey again.

Sharon

homer4
Moderator
Posts: 1740
(11/13/01 11:03:46 am)
| Del
ezSupporter
Thanksgiving and Martha
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Very cute post Sharon.
Martha certainly does provide the ultimate in holiday fare. Hehe!

Winter11
Moderator
Posts: 408
(11/13/01 2:40:13 pm)
| Del
Re: Thanksgiving and Martha
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Stuffing a turkey from BOTH ends --- OUCH!!!!!

Traumatic - hells yeah!!!


BIG LOL!!!!