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The Differential Theory of U.S. Armed Forces and
(11/1/02 10:15:22 am)
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Intelligence Agencies upon encountering a snake in the Area of operations
(NOte: this might have been posted before.. but it is just too funy not to do again)
Snake smells them, leaves area.
Lands on and kills the snake.
Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
Plays with snake, then eats it.
Kills snake with massive time-on-target barrage with three forward artillery brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and theater commander rules of engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctoral thesis in obscure 5 series field manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct counter-snake ops.
Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy Ship captains:
Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all U.S. forces from area of operations.
Follows snake, gets lost.
Air force Combat Controllers:
Guides snake elsewhere.
Air force Para-Rescue Jumper:
Wounds snake in initial encounters, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
(NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.
Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 HIND helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on embassy 100 kilometers east of snake due to weather (too-hot-also-too-cold, clear-but-too-overcast, too-dry-with-rain, unlimited-ceiling-with-low-cloud-cover, etc.). Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable him in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
F-16 Crew Chief:
Wonders why snake is hiding in F-16. Kills snake with ball peen hammer from tool kit. Writes report. Gets letter of commendation for killing snake. Crew Chief goes home confused, and has a beer. Crewman paints snake kill on toolbox.
AH-64 Apache pilot:
Unable to locate snake; snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert areas of operation without power lines or surface-to-air missiles.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot:
Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark landing zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
Pulls ARC LIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
USAF Missile crew:
Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG):
Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
Adopts snake as Battalion Mascot. Constructs snake breeding farm to develop local industry for export. Alpha Company EOC awarded Nobel Prize for Chemistry for development of renewable non-polluting gasoline from shed snake skin, and gives money prize to local orphanage.
Goes in to clean up carnage. Sees snake. Makes sure no one is looking before drawing .45 and shooting snake. Tries not to look too conspicuous while stuffing snake corpse under rock. Goes and has a few beers. Gets drunk and brags to Chief about shooting snake. Gets hauled in to Captainís Mast and gets busted down to E-3. Again.
Sees snake draped over the shoulders of stripper. Orders another beer, buys drink for stripper.
Army Corps of Engineers:
Issues permit to dredge, fill, dam, and pave over entire continent containing snake, citing justification of protecting civilian contractor from the dangers of snakebite. Collects immense kickback from contractor. During construction, snake bites contractor.
Acoustic air crewman on P3 Orion:
calls a CPA (closest point of approach) on snake and wonders why there is a snake in the middle of the pacific. Requests TACO (Tactical Command) torpedo the damn thing out of spite.
Meets snake in bar, buys snake cherry drink, gets intimate with snake, leaves snake for another snake.
Just itching to engage snake...plane down for maintenance.
AC - 130 crew: blows the snake to smithereens, paints nose art on craft....'Fangs for the Memories'.
Penetrates snake's airspace without showing up on snake's radar. Snake contacts Roke Manor in England, uses cell phone system to track F-117, and bites a handy starling at key moment. Startled starling flies into F-117's air duct, destroying plane and forcing pilot to eject. Snake bites pilot.
Startles snake by flying underneath it, Pops up and misidentifies and kills a Marine LAV-25
Patriot missile crew:
Observes snake drop dead and fall out of tree. Launches missile at snake and claims a kill.
J.A.G Officer :
Takes early retirement, opens law office with snake as partner
Female Air Force pilot:
While posted to Snakey Arabia, sues Joint Chiefs over orders to wear scales.
Wreckage of snake retrieved from battlefield. Portions of snake sent to Redstone, Aberdeen, Eustace and Watervliet for assessment. Proto type of new snake produced by Hughes in partnership with General Electric. Test models assigned to Forts Bragg, Sill, Hood and Wainright for troop trials. Result is best snake on inventory anywhere. Congress kills project.
Lookout spies sea snake, fires a round over its bow. Sea snake rams cutter sinking it. Crewmen walk to shore.
Camp X-ray marines:
Give snakes to detainees for use as turban
Produces photographic essay and feature story about elite snake hunting unit in action, submits them to Army Times, and they're bumped so that a story and snapshot of some four-star's daughter coming in third in a tennis tournament can be run...
Officially denies existence of snake. Declares snake to be merely ground fog. Fires up bong and listens to Jimmy Hendrix tapes.
Secretary of Defense:
Takes great pains to explain to the press that we have disrupted the snake, limited it's theater of ops. as well as the need to think 'outside the box' in the future when dealing with snakes.
Secretary of State
Attempts to build a 'coalition' to deal with snake. Is befuddled when snake won't leave of it's own accord when faced with 'international pressure'. Encourages alliance with other snakes to replace current snake.
Sent to theater to covertly take photos of snake....returns with pix of box tortoise...makes action plan based on this 'intelligence'.
Sniper kills everything but the snake, then burns down forest.
Attempts to get inside the snake's inner circle. Once inside works tirelessly to assist the snake in all his operations, warns snake of local LEO investigations. Snake goes on the lam, FBI agent gets job in pet shop cleaning snake cages.
Calls press conference announcing they have apprehended snake. Presents badly beaten iguana who makes confession to being snake. Iguana later recants and sues, winning millions of dollars in an out of court settlement. LAPD vows to find the real snake.
British prime minister:
Makes round-the-world trip denouncing snake and supporting American efforts to get snake. When Americans catch snake, protests that snake is being treated inhumanely and makes demands to inspect it. Simultaneously disarms British public so they can't shoot other snakes. British public dies in massive epidemic of snakebite.
Surrenders to snake after being awed by it's ability to crawl on it's belly and not cower at the same time. Snake replaces Jerry Lewis in popular French mythology.
Makes audio and video recordings of secret snake meeting using nanotech flea-sized airborne device. Snakes reveal complete tactical plans. Information can't be given to anybody because only NSOC ops has proper clearance. Secret information is finally available for release 20 years later. Snake died of old age 10 years before.
Arrives on the scene in moon suits and quarantines everyone who has been in contact with snake. Catches snake and breeds ten quadrillion more to "develop defenses against" herpetological weapons.
Collects vault full of intercepts of snake's neural impulses. Can't break encryption. Blackbags snake hole instead and installs slitherstroke recorder.
Aannounces that the government of the country in which the snake resides is harboring a terrorist snake. Calls the country part of the "Evil Axis". Turns country into a glass parking lot.
Candidate for Senate or Congress:
Campaign literature features photos of himself stepping on rubber snake. Cites previous bills he's sponsored banning "assault fangs" and rattlesnakes with more than 10 rattles, targeting gangs of cobra "hoods", and pursuing the "war on venom". Describes his opponent as a "snake charmer" who drives a Dodge Viper paid for with tax dollars, promotes snake worship in schools, and callously crushes the eggs of unborn snakes. Campaign song, written by Billy Ray Cyrus, is "Snaky Breaky Dude". Once elected, takes expensive junkets to exotic locales to study local snakes, cuts backroom deals with lobbyists for the snake industry, imposes onerous government regulation on the American Herpetologists Society.
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