I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you. You
said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't understand
why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you. In 1957 I bought a sawmill
on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber cart and two ponies; a
shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on
In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I
loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father
died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe
knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the
bastard from becoming a relative of mine.
In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had
to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat
turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my
sons drowned (not the castrated one).
In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three
small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down
expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor told me to try
to create some excitement just as she was beginning to get aroused. That
night I pointed the shotgun out the window while we were in bed and just
as she was beginning to orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she sh*t the
bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.
The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from
the ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it,
and someone de-nutted my best bull.
In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six
bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and
a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The queen bee died and I
ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running
around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like sh*t so I couldn't sell it.
So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble.
Right now if it costs two cents to sh*t, I'd have to puke. Getting money
out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot
trowel, but you are welcome to try.
Yours for more credit,
NRA Life Member
There are no problems in life that cannot be solved by the proper application of C-4 on target!
Last edited by HiSpeed; 06-22-2007 at 07:40 PM..