01 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
02 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
03 Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
04 If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
05 Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
06 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
07 Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
08 Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
09 They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shi* from anybody.
10 A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
11 Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
12 Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
13 When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
14 Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.
15 Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
16 If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
17 Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
18 Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
19 If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down
20 Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
21 Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
22 A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
23 Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
24 Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
25 Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
26 Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
27 If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
28 Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
29 Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
30 Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
31 Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
32 Before science was discovered it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
33 Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
34 The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
35 Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
36 Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
37 Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
38 Chuck Norris doesn't cut his grass....He dares it to grow.
39 Someone once asked Chuck Norris what time it was, he replied "12 seconds till." When asked "12 seconds till what?" Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in his jaw.
40 (One of my favorites) Chuck Norris wears steel-toed boots to soften the blow of his roundhouse.
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