Disorder in Court

dcd_enterprises · 09-14-2008, 12:08 PM

>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> _____________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> _____________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> WITNESS: I forget.
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
> _____________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> ____________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
> WITNESS: We both do.
> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> WITNESS: We do.
> ATTORNEY: You do?
> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> ____________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> ____________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
> ___________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
> __________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
> __________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> WITNESS: Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> WITNESS: None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> __________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By death.
> ATTOR NEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
> __________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> WITNESS: Guess.
> __________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> __________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
> _________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> WITNESS: Oral.
> _________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
> __________________________________________
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> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
> __________________________________________
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> And the best for last:
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> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
> WITNESS: No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
>

Marlin · 09-14-2008, 03:02 PM

I wish I'd written down all the statements like these I heard in court over my thirty-five years of being in the courtroom daily..... There were some doozies !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nighthawk · 09-14-2008, 09:15 PM

Crpdeth · 09-14-2008, 09:43 PM

ROTF!

These are the best I have heard thus far!

Thanks for the laugh.

Crpdeth

user · 09-15-2008, 05:35 AM

Granted, it's funny - but some of those questions were necessary. What people don't realize is that the procedure to be followed requires lawyers to ask questions for which the answer may seem obvious. It's necessary to ask, though, in order for the "obvious" to become "evidence".

Civil procedure and criminal procedure are like Algebra. The best we can do to ensure that justice be done is to follow the procedure. If we follow the procedure, we know the results are "correct". When people play fast and loose with procedure, the results don't mean anything and we end up hurting people purely for emotional gratification.

So some of those quips, while amusing in hindsight, simply represent the attempts by smartmouthed witnesses to avoid helping what they see as the opposition.

artabr · 09-15-2008, 09:12 PM

Art

09-14-2008, 12:08 PM	#1
dcd_enterprises Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Wheatland, Iowa Posts: 1,313	Disorder in Court > > These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. > > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? > WITNESS: No, I just lie there. > _____________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. > _____________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? > WITNESS: I forget. > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? > _____________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? > WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? > WITNESS: My name is Susan! > ____________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? > WITNESS: We both do. > ATTORNEY: Voodoo? > WITNESS: We do. > ATTORNEY: You do? > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. > ____________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? > ____________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. > ___________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? > WITNESS: Are you kidding me? > __________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? > WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! > __________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? > WITNESS: Yes. > ATTORNEY: How many were boys? > WITNESS: None. > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? > WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? > __________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? > WITNESS: By death. > ATTOR NEY: And by whose death was it terminated? > WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? > __________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? > WITNESS: Guess. > __________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. > __________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? > _________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? > WITNESS: Oral. > _________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! > __________________________________________ > > > > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? > WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? > __________________________________________ > > And the best for last: > > > > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? > WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? > WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? > WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? > WITNESS: No. > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. > ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. > __________________ A veteran - whether active duty, retired, National Guard or Reserve - is someone who, at one point in his or her life, wrote a blank check made payable to "The United States of America" for an amount of "up to and including my life." That is honor, and there are way too many people in this country who no longer understand that - Author unknown -->

09-14-2008, 03:02 PM	#2
Marlin TFF Admin Staff Chief Counselor Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: At SouthernMoss' side forever! Contributor Posts: 13,853	Re: Disorder in Court I wish I'd written down all the statements like these I heard in court over my thirty-five years of being in the courtroom daily..... There were some doozies !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! __________________ *The flag represents a living country and is itself considered a living thing.* *The only criminal class native to the United States is Congress.*

09-14-2008, 09:15 PM	#3
Nighthawk Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: South Central Texas Posts: 3,330	Re: Disorder in Court __________________ Our obligations to our country never cease but with our lives." --John Adams, letter to Benjamin Rush, April 18, 1808 NRA Life TSRA Life GOA Member

09-14-2008, 09:43 PM	#4
Crpdeth Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Location: Location Contributor Posts: 8,247	Re: Disorder in Court ROTF! These are the best I have heard thus far! Thanks for the laugh. Crpdeth __________________ Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there. ~Eric Hoffer

09-15-2008, 05:35 AM	#5
user Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Northern piedmont of Va. and Middle of Nowhere, West Virginia Posts: 1,013	Re: Disorder in Court Granted, it's funny - but some of those questions were necessary. What people don't realize is that the procedure to be followed requires lawyers to ask questions for which the answer may seem obvious. It's necessary to ask, though, in order for the "obvious" to become "evidence". Civil procedure and criminal procedure are like Algebra. The best we can do to ensure that justice be done is to follow the procedure. If we follow the procedure, we know the results are "correct". When people play fast and loose with procedure, the results don't mean anything and we end up hurting people purely for emotional gratification. So some of those quips, while amusing in hindsight, simply represent the attempts by smartmouthed witnesses to avoid helping what they see as the opposition. __________________ ===== Daniel L. Hawes - 540 347 2430 - HTTP://www.VirginiaLegalDefense.com By the way, nothing I say on this website as "user" should be taken as either advertising for attorney services or legal advice. Everyone having a question regarding the application of law to the facts of their situation should seek the advice of an attorney competent in the subject matter of the issues presented and licensed to practice in the relevant state.

09-15-2008, 09:12 PM	#6
artabr Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: New Iberia, Louisiana Contributor Posts: 7,859	Re: Disorder in Court Art __________________ God and the soldier we like adore, In times of trouble, not before. When troubles ended and all things righted, God is forgotten and the soldier is slighted. Francis Quarles 1592 - 1644 __________________ When asked for my race, I answer CauCajun. Hope is not a plan, and not all change is good. The resistance is here; the resistance is now. RESIST! These hands are neither cold nor are they dead!!