Could Noah build His Ark today? - The Firearms Forum

Lori Mick · 12-20-2008, 07:02 AM

I would have put this in the Pump house, but I don't think it's a joke....do you?

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves." (Abraham Lincoln)

Insulation Tim · 12-20-2008, 07:19 AM

How sadly true it is, Lori.

artabr · 12-21-2008, 01:24 AM

Sad but true. Half of the politicians think their God to start with.
And now they want a raise. Ask me again when you have a double digit approval rating. Grrrrrrr !!

Art

Lori Mick · 12-21-2008, 05:17 AM

I wonder how they all sleep at night.....now they take their raises which I believe adds up to 2.5 million of tax payer dollars.....

oh hell...Mr O is going to spend another 650 Billion.....so the 2.5 million is peanuts....

geesh....

Bruce FLinch · 12-21-2008, 10:06 PM

Poor Noah...

Politicians are only motivated by two things...Greed & Fear

Doug.38PR · 12-21-2008, 10:33 PM

LOL!!!! ROTFL!!!!!!!

jim summers · 12-22-2008, 10:22 AM

Union carpenters don't work cheap either(my bad that was the auto workers union i was thinking about)

12-20-2008, 07:02 AM	#1
Lori Mick Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Stuck in Upstate NY for a while Posts: 2,374	Could Noah build His Ark today? I would have put this in the Pump house, but I don't think it's a joke....do you? If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this: And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'. And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has." "America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves." (Abraham Lincoln) __________________ It's a Brand New Day! Make it an awesome one! "No one outside myself can rule me inwardly. Knowing this I become wholly free." -->

12-20-2008, 07:19 AM	#2
Insulation Tim Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Ohio Contributor Posts: 2,294	Re: Could Noah build His Ark today? How sadly true it is, Lori. __________________ Tim *"Remember the Ark was built by amateurs....Professionals built the Titanic"*

12-21-2008, 01:24 AM	#3
artabr Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: New Iberia, Louisiana Contributor Posts: 7,859	Re: Could Noah build His Ark today? Sad but true. Half of the politicians think their God to start with. And now they want a raise. Ask me again when you have a double digit approval rating. Grrrrrrr !! Art __________________ God and the soldier we like adore, In times of trouble, not before. When troubles ended and all things righted, God is forgotten and the soldier is slighted. Francis Quarles 1592 - 1644 __________________ When asked for my race, I answer CauCajun. Hope is not a plan, and not all change is good. The resistance is here; the resistance is now. RESIST! These hands are neither cold nor are they dead!!

12-21-2008, 05:17 AM	#4
Lori Mick Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Stuck in Upstate NY for a while Posts: 2,374	Re: Could Noah build His Ark today? I wonder how they all sleep at night.....now they take their raises which I believe adds up to 2.5 million of tax payer dollars..... oh hell...Mr O is going to spend another 650 Billion.....so the 2.5 million is peanuts.... geesh.... __________________ It's a Brand New Day! Make it an awesome one! "No one outside myself can rule me inwardly. Knowing this I become wholly free."

12-21-2008, 10:06 PM	#5
Bruce FLinch Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Bay Point, Kali..aka Gun Point Posts: 5,016	Re: Could Noah build His Ark today? Poor Noah... Politicians are only motivated by two things...Greed & Fear __________________ A bad day @ the Range, is better than a good day @ work. Last edited by Bruce FLinch; 12-21-2008 at 10:07 PM..

12-21-2008, 10:33 PM	#6
Doug.38PR V.I.P. Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: North Louisiana Posts: 245	Re: Could Noah build His Ark today? LOL!!!! ROTFL!!!!!!!

12-22-2008, 10:22 AM	#7
jim summers Advanced Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: I reside in southern Indiana, you can almost step out of my back door and be setting on Patoka Lake Posts: 1,056	Re: Could Noah build His Ark today? Union carpenters don't work cheap either(my bad that was the auto workers union i was thinking about) __________________ To Whom Much Is Given, Much Is Required.