Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Chouteau, Oklahoma
The World's Biggest Buck
I’ll tell ya, yes sir, that was the world’s biggest buck. Full 20 pointer beams, as thick as a beer can, tines as tall as arrows. This buck was so big, a bull moose would run in fear of him. I mean to tell ya, he was big. One winter he took on a pack of hungry coyotes in deep snow. It was said the fight lasted over an hour. Fur and antlers were just a flying, when it was over, off limped the pack of coyotes. Left standing, was the world’s biggest buck. I mean, he didn’t even break a sweat whoopin' on them coyotes. Hunters from around the world have chased this buck and no one has ever seen him with a loaded gun in his hand. Well that’s not entirely true, there was that greenhorn that saw him.
The greenhorn was all of 19, it was his first time hunting in the big woods of the North Country. The kid was so spooked of the big woods he had himself a compass, a GPS, and a cellular phone. Had himself some custom built $2,000 rifle with two triggers, with a big fancy scope, said he could hit a gnat at 1000 yards with that rifle. A .300 Win Mag, I think he said it was. Anyways, he come up here in all his fancy duds and walked out to kill, the world’s biggest buck. That day the big buck was in one of his funnin' moods and was playing with the dude. You know, he would let the kid get a look at him, you see, so the kid was following him into the Deadman’s Swamp. The swamp is so thick that wolves take a detour around it.
So, after four hours of playing with this kid, the world’s biggest buck decided it was time to put a little scare into him. I’m here to tell ya, this is the God’s honest truth, this is what happened. The kid was tired out from chasing this buck and decided to sit down to eat his lunch. The kid sat his rifle down against a tree and walked over to a fallen log and sat down. Now, the world’s biggest buck all 375 pounds of him, breaks through the swamp right between the kid and his gun. I swear to God that this is what the kid told me himself. The buck, standing all proud and mean. Turns to the kid and snorts. You know how them deer snort at you sometimes. Well, this was like 5 feet from the kid's face. The kid said the world’s biggest buck snorted so hard it blew his hat off. The world’s biggest buck was just playing with him you see.
The buck took a deep breath and shook his antlers, snorting at the kid again. Then he flared his nostrils back and started pawing the ground in front of him. You know how bucks do that when they are about to charge. So, the poor kid was shaking so bad he dialed in 911 on his GPS and then was punching in where he was on his Cellular phone. The world’s biggest buck tired of the kid just sitting there playing with his toys, turns and slanders off. Stopped broadside 15 feet past the kids rifle. The kid somehow decided to get up and walk to his gun. The kid picked up that fancy rifle and the world’s biggest buck did one of his now famous, paw the ground and snort acts. The kid was pretty shook up, he fired all 6 rounds into the top of a pine tree. Snow was flying down on the buck.
The kid said, and I swear to God to this, that the buck smiled, turned, kicked snow in his face and walked off. The kid never came up to the North Country again, no sir, took him 10 hours to get out of that Deadman’s Swamp. I hear the kid sold his rifle and everything. So, began the legend of the Deadman’s Swamp’s monster buck. The kid said the buck had a 35-inch spread, beams bigger then a beer can, and he swore to God the tines were 20 inches tall.
So, each year the legend of the Monster Buck grew. Professional hunters flew in from around the world and tried for the legendary buck. Bait, scents, lures, stalking, sitting, driving, nothing worked. No one ever came close to the buck.
Right next to Deadman’s Swamp is a little stream. I was following it one day and about 8 miles back in, I came across the pond that was there, it was just packed full of the biggest tastiest brook trout one man could ever hope to find. It was a walk in and another walk out, but well worth the effort. So, coming home late one night from the stream, my highbeams hit, what at first I thought was a moose on the road. But, it turned in to the worlds biggest buck. I’m here to tell ya, he was huge, he towered over my pickup. He wasn’t moving. My hands were just a shaking, my heart was racing a 100 miles an hour, my God, that’s the World’s biggest buck. He pawed the ground and snorted. I swear to God, it shook the truck. Then, he just walked off into the woods, without a care in the world.
Well sir, I’m here to tell ya, something powerful came over me. I mean it was almost a message from God himself. I started formulating a plan to get that buck. Come Fall, that buck was gonna die. I would be on all the Hunting shows, Babe Winkerman himself would do a whole show on me. I marked the trail with an empty Pepsi can. Drove home and formulated a plan. I knew how to get the world’s biggest buck. Yes sir, it might be a wee bit on the shaky side, but it was worth the risk.
The next day I sold my brand new John Deere riding lawn mower. Took that money and went straight over to Joe’s Army Surplus. Joe’s a nice guy, just kind of different. Started selling Genuine U.S. Army surplus. So, I told Joe I was gonna be hunting coyotes and didn’t want them to smell me. Out of Joe’s garage I found the equipment to get the world’s biggest buck. First thing I bought was a genuine U.S. Army approved NBC suit. I guess when your in the Army you don’t want them pesky reporters from NBC smelling ya. Joe Guaranteed me that the suit was lined with genuine Virginia virgin coal. Some special coal the Army tested and the reporters from NBC couldn’t smell them, I guess. Only $299.97 for the suit, what a deal!!! Ok, I thought, the Buck can’t smell me, now what else will I need ?
I came up with a quick plan for phase two of the equipment. Ok Joe, I need some special camouflage because you know them coyotes can see a mouse at 300 yards. Joe, what a great guy, he starts digging through this and that, kicking boxes over, working his way back into the far reaches of the garage. You would have to have been there to understand Joe’s highly efficient stock system. To an outsider it looked like a dump with more junk then room. But, oh, to a trained eye like mine, this was the show of a highly organized skill, at it’s finest. After about 15 minutes of Joe disappearing into the stacks of boxes and supplies, I was starting to wonder if the garage had a basement, when Joe returned. A big smile on his face.
Joe was dragging a genuine Vietnam Camouflaged net. It was used to cover tanks up with, it said so right on the package. The old good stuff. Boy, he will want $600 to $700 dollars for that, I thought. Joe said because we were friends he would give me a deal. But, look you know them coyotes have eyes that can see traces of infrared just like deer can. So you see this here underside of the net has them fancy, genuine approved from the Pentagon, special thinning rolled Washington state aluminum strips to stop infrared. It looks likes tin foil to me, I said. Joe was stunned by the remark, but forgave me for my ignorance. He said " To the untrained eye that is what it was suppose to look like. But, it is so special that after the Pentagon had it made they destroyed the formula for making it, so the Russkies couldn’t get it. That is why you can’t find it on the new netting.
"Ok Joe, how much ? I only need enough for one suit," I said, trying to get the price down.
Joe sighed, "Have you been listening to me?" "This is a one of kind, it’s take it all, or nothing."
"How much?" I asked.
Joe stared at me to figure out how much money I had and says, "For you only $499." Wow, what luck. Now the world’s biggest buck can’t smell me or see me. I had to hide my happiness.
"Ok Joe," I said. "Last thing I need is a good infrared night vision scope."
Now Joe was thinking quick, he grabbed a third generation 35,000 powered infrared Russian rifle scope. "Russian, what the heck, how can I read the directions if their in Russkie talk ?" I asked.
"Hold on there, look a Genuine U.S. Army scope cost ya $3000. I’ll sell this one with the American written directions for only $1499."
What a deal. I left Joe’s with all my stuff minus over $2,400 when all them taxes was added on. Well, I still had enough left over to buy some shells and a hunting license. I sewed a ghillie suit out of the NBC suit and Camouflaged netting. I could lie next to the road and people would drive right by. I practiced sneaking up on dogs to see if the dogs could smell me, nope, this stuff worked.
The plan was simple, I saw the world’s biggest buck cross the road at 2 minutes to midnight. So, the night before opening day of deer season I was gonna be waiting in the woods for the world’s biggest buck. The wife would drop me off and I would nail him, wait until morning then come out and be on TV.
So, I dug a little pit and was a waiting in the cold frosty night. At about 11:27 p.m. a coyote came walking by me and never even looked twice at me. Wow, if I can fool them coyote infrared eyes, I can fool the world’s biggest buck too. At 2 minutes to midnight I was all excited waiting, searching the woods with the scope on for the world’s biggest buck. At 10 minutes after midnight I was about to give up. The world’s biggest buck figured out my plan and was laughing at me in the woods. I had been outsmarted, just like everyone else. At 12:30 a.m. I decided to start walking home.
But just then, I heard the crashing in the woods of two bucks fighting. That was why he was late, I thought. The fight was over quickly and then silence. At 2:02 a.m. the worlds biggest buck snuck up right behind me. I heard the ground stumped and felt the warm breath on the back of my neck. How the hell can he smell me ?, I thought. Just then the world’s biggest buck slammed the ground with his hoof. It shook the ground like an earthquake hit I knew next what was about to happen, the famous snort. The snort was so powerful the ghillie suit almost came off. The cold night air shot in, chilling me to the bones.
I was so upset, I just spun around put the barrel of the gun right at his chest and pulled the trigger. I swear to God, I hit him dead center in the chest, but nothing changed, the world’s biggest buck just stood there like I missed him. So, I fired another shot, and another shot and another shot, and another shot and then it happened, the lonely sound that every deer hunter dreads. CLICK, the gun was empty. The world’s biggest buck turned and walk off down the two track and fell over dead, sliding down a little ditch out of sight. Just great, how the hell am I gonna get him out of there ?
I walked over and looked down the ditch. 15 feet straight down, lay the worlds biggest buck and by God, I nailed him. Just then, it looked like the 4th of July was going on. I’m here to tell ya, there was flashing red lights, flashing blue lights, flashing red and blue lights, sirens, police cars, game wardens, flashing yellow lights for the tow truck. There was trucks, and cars coming from both directions. I did what any red blooded American would do! I ran straight into Deadman’s Swamp. Night vision goggles and infrared was all searching for me. You could hear a helicopter over head, using a FLIR (Forward Looking Infrared Red), sirens screamed and dogs were barking. The lead cars saw me running into the swamp. I heard the convoy screech to a halt and doors slamming and guys yelling in the swamp.
The dogs and 25 men, started chasing me into the swamp. Yes, I lead them on a mighty chase. Through the creek water and out on the bank I did the old deer trick and circled back to watch my back trail. The circus of officers and dogs with their night vision goggles and infrared looked right at me, but couldn’t see me because of the special Pentagon approved thin-rolled Washington state aluminum strips in my ghillie suit. Guys were yelling and cussing and the dogs were hot on my trail, until they hit the water. They started following the creek edge and I knew they all would be lost soon enough in the Deadman’s Swamp. I circled back to the road and just then I saw another vehicle coming. I laid down on the edge of the trail. I looked up and it was the wife with the truck. All the others were chasing me in the swamp, nothing but empty vehicles remained.
I jumped in the truck and had the wife drive over to the ditch where the world’s biggest buck laid. I grabbed the portable winch cable placed it on free floating and threw it over a thick branch of a tree in the middle of the road. I grabbbed the end and ran down the ditch. Threw the cable around the deer neck and raced back up top. Then I turned on the 2 horsepower electric winch and hauled the world’s bjggest buck up. The branch was a sign from God, I tell you. That deer raised up and was hanging just perfect over the truck bed. I lowered the world’s biggest buck into the bed of the truck. The truck springs groaned in protest. I unhooked the neck and retrieved the rest of the cable, jumped in the truck and raced home.
"How the hell did the law know where I was?", I said aloud. The wife looked a little sheepish and said, "Well... you remember the press release you wrote out to TNN Outdoors, Babe Winkerman, Outdoor life, Buckmasters, TV 6 news and the radio stations all saying you killed the world’s biggest buck?", she asked. Ya, so what? ,I replied. "Well, to save time I e-mail the auto loader at 1:30 a.m. giving the exact location of where you killed the world’ s biggest buck", she replied. "Woman ,I told ya not to e-mail that until I was home. Don’t ya know computers put the correct time on it when they send ?" I replied.
We raced home and hung the buck in the garage. I’m here to tell ya that was the world’s biggest buck. He weighed in, after field dressing, at 375 pounds. I went to bed. At 6:30 am. when most hunters were heading into the woods I was sound asleep, when all of sudden, I heard someone shouting on a bull horn "your surrounded give yourself up." I stumbled out to see what in the heck my neighbor did this time. Them darn cops had my house surrounded. I opened a window and yelled out to them, "You dang fools the drug dealer’s house is next door, I’ve been telling you that for 2 years now." I mean it looked like the woods all over again, but more cars this time.
There was FBI, ATF, the Sheriff’s Department, the State Police, Game Warden’ s, and the Mayor. Helicopters flying all over my house. Dogs barking. "Next door ya dang fools", I told them. When the bullhorn guy said my name, I knew I was in trouble. " Leave me alone, I’ m eating backstrap from the world’s biggest buck for breakfast and I’m not moving until I finish my breakfast", I told them.
So, the wife cooked up breakfast. She cooked backstrap, fried potatoes, fresh farm eggs and biscuits. When them darn fools started knocking on the door. I was thinking of Cheech and Chong. "I hear ya knocking but you can’t come in, I’ll be out in a minute", I yelled. "Hey look the drug dealer is home, while you are waiting, go arrest them."
I was just starting to eat my breakfast when them darn fools started on the bullhorn again. "Come out with your hands up you poacher", he said.
"Poacher, I wasn’t a poacher", I thought. I waited until opening day to shoot him you darn fools", I replied. I was just finishing breakfast when they started bashing my door with the Genuine Battle Ram made by K-tel. As I placed the last piece of backstrap in my mouth, four of them tackled me. They treated me like I was a drug dealer. I was still chewing as they hauled me outside.
The Game warden took the world’s biggest buck and said the head would be mounted at the state museum. I was given a $1,500.00 fine, plus $5,000.00 restitution for the deer, and 30 days in the County Jail. So son, as we sit here in this County Jail, I’m telling ya my story of the world biggest buck. "What do ya think ?", I said.
And I swear to God this young Whipper Snapper said, "Wow man wouldn’t it have been cheaper to go to McDonalds?"
"Where in the world would he get a dang stupid idea like that?" I thought. Shaking my head, "These young folks of today just don’t understand nothing anymore."