Make Me Laugh, Win A Prize!!

[pinecone70]

It has been a while since we had a contest, and we could all use a laugh, I think. So here is my deal: tell me a story that makes me laugh, and win one of two fabulous gun show bumper stickers! I will choose two winners by April 30, 7p/m CST. Keep it clean, a paragraph or two will do! Here are the bumper stickers, funniest storyteller gets to choose which one they want, second place receives the other!

[JLA]

sheesh, keep it clean she says, hows a comedian supposed to keep a job round here

[pinecone70]

Heh. Forces you to be creative, eh?

[Helix_FR]

Well heck I should post the story about the temp worker that we had that claimed that he was conservative but used the words "Stupid Liberal" and "Changing the Constitution to keep up with the times" in the same breath. Also how car insurance shouldn't be mandatory (in MO it is) b/c he will never be in a accident but the health care plan seems it will work.(and guess who's car has a huge dent in the front, it ain't mine)
He is a joke within a joke. Its like he takes snippets of CNN and combines them into a story. Strange boy.
Shall I give the whole story?

[JohnBrainard]

Originally Posted by pinecone70

Heh. Forces you to be creative, eh?

Ain't that the truth!

[wpage]

These two shrinks are riding the hospital elevator...
Another Dr. get on says "good morning" then gets off on another floor.
One shrink says to the other "wonder what he meant by that"

[red14]

http://www.thefirearmsforum.com/atta...1&d=1272041877

Gas, Diesal, Kerosene and what????

[Bubblehead]

Here you go Pinecone. I hope you don't consider this "dirty".

A little boy in full cowboy gear, including a pair of cap guns on his hips, walks into an ice cream store. When the lady behind the counter asks him what he wants he draws both pistols and says, “Give me an ice cream sundae with plenty of vanilla ice cream”.

As the lady begins to prepare the sundae the boy again draws his pistols and says, “and make sure you put a lot of chocolate syrup on top”, then re-holsters his pistols.

The lady begins to add the syrup and once again the boy draws his pistols and says, “put some whip cream and a cherry on top too”, and again holsters his two cap pistols.

The lady begins to load on the whip cream and cherries and yet again the little boy draws his guns and says, “and don’t forget to put some nuts on top too”.

As the guns are put away in their little holsters the lady asks, “little boy, would you like your nuts crushed?”

The little boy draws his guns one more time and asks, “Lady, would you like your tits shot off?”

[red14]

Little old man limps into an ice cream parlor and orders a banana split. He moans and gingerly sits on the stool at the counter. The lady making the split, looks at him in a kindly way, and asks,

"Crushed nuts?"

He looks up at her in obvious pain and says,

"No, Arthritis".

[pinecone70]

Originally Posted by Bubblehead

Here you go Pinecone. I hope you don't consider this "dirty".

Heh.

[gunguy25]

A guy walks up to a bartender and says, I bet you $100 that i can pee in this shot glass from 50 feet away, The bartender says you got yourself a bet. So the guy unzipped and starts peeing everywhere but the shot glass, on the bar, on the floor , on the bartender and the bartender is laughing his butt off. You owe me $100 man. He said ok give me a second goes to the back of the bar where these two guys are playing pool, walks back up and puts the money on the bar smiling , the bartender says why are you smiling you just lost $100, he says see those guys playing pool i just bet them $500 a piece that i could pee on your bar pee on your floor and pee on you and not only would you not be mad you would be happy about it.

[pinecone70]

Eieeeeeeeee!!!!

[USMCSpeedy]

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, social security, retirement funds,
etc. So, I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. I got a freakin' call
center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they all got
excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

[USMCSpeedy]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick
up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your
asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

[Vladimir]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[pinecone70]

Originally Posted by Vladimir

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Oh, excellent!!

[hogger129]

I have a good story. New neighbors moved in across the street. Fought all the time. Came out yelling at each other once in awhile. Their names were Jane and Stu Payne. Well one day, they come out fighting. Go back in the house. Little while later me and my dad come out to cook some burgers on the grill. Stu comes out yelling and gets in his truck. Well here's this cat lying there. This thing was blind & deaf, came over and peed and crapped all over our garage and my dad would chase it out with a broom. Anyway, gets under the wheel of the truck. Gets up for a minute, walks over to the other wheel, lies back down. Guy starts the truck up and backs right over it. Me and my dad go wave at the guy to tell him he just backed over his cat. He looks at us and waves and drives off with a smile on his face. Me and my dad just look at each other and laugh for a minute. Dad called the lady. Lady got all mad and came out and put it in a paper bag and went back in the house. Week later they moved out. True story too.

[hogger129]

"Al Gore gave a blistering speech today condemning the Bush administration and calling for everyone in Bush's cabinet to resign from office immediately. Finally the owner of the karaoke bar said, 'Are you going to sing or what?'"

[dld]

you want some thing funny how about "red14"

[JLA]

I find myself wanting to watch the movie "Desperado" while eating an ice cream sundae

mmmmm selma hayek

[Maximilian II]

A guy was driving his hopped-up Camaro one day, just enjoying riding around. He got to the foot of a mountain road and spotted a forlorn fellow pushing a bicycle. In a good mood, he stopped to assist.
The bicyclist's chain had broken and he lived on the other side of the mountain. He'd have to push his bike over the mountain.
They tried getting the bike into the trunk, but it didn't fit. The back seat was too small also.
"I have an idea." said the driver. "I've got a rope. We'll tie it between my bumper and your bike frame, and I'll tow you over the mountain. If I get too fast just honk that horn on your handlebars."
So they did this, and it was working.
Another hot-rodder came alongside in a Mustang, laughing. He flipped the Camaro driver a bird, and accelerated away.
The Camaro driver was ticked. Forgetting his bicyclist, he floored the gas and hit the Nitro.

A half mile down the road a Highway Patrolman saw the racers go by. He got on the radio.
"Headquarters, I just clocked a Mustang and a Camaro running neck and neck at a hundred and thirty miles an hour. There's a guy on a bicycle right behind them honking the horn to pass."
"I quit."

[gdmoody]

I will send you a PM, I don't know how some folks will take my little joke!

[Vladimir]

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven...

God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?'' Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve... And I've come to understand that now.''

God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?'' Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''

God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''

Then God addresses Barrack. "Barrack, what do you believe?''

He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."

[Crpdeth]

Okay, hun... True story.

I've mentioned this here before, but have to tell it again.

I have a cousin, we'll just call her Rachael, because, well... That's her name.

Anyway, we were all at a family gathering and Rachael asked my other cousin Tony to check the oil in her car, being the jokester he is, he asked her if she had ever heard the term "penetrating oil" and she emphatically
said that she had... Tony then told her to simply pour the quart of oil that she had over the engine and it will soak it up, never expecting that she took him seriously as he took a detour to the men's room, then later walked outside to see the poor girl pouring oil all over her engine. They say it kinda smoked for a few days as it burned off that oil.

Crpdeth

[Big ugly]

Here is a quick story for ya, Its all true, god I wish it wasnt

My brother took a notion he was gonna make a potatoe cannon. He talked about it and drew up plans and brainstormed for all of 5 minutes. He went shuffling around the garage and then to the shed to see what all he could find to make his little contraption. He found nothing. He was makeing his way back from the shed when he seen my old 82 Dodge pick up tuck sittin with the drive shaft leaning up against the bed of the truck. I had pulled the transmission out of it to get it rebuilt. Now the 80's model dodge trucks had a large diameter drive shaft in them, about as big around as a soft ball.

He cuts one end off the drive shaft and drills a small hole into the other. He then takes this 4 1/4 foot tube and leans it up against the truck bed pointed in the general direction of the cornfield behind the house. He goes in and grabs a baseball, an old worn out t-shirt, and then calls his friend Dave and asks him to pick up some Black powder from Wally world.

Dave shows up with the Black Powder and these two morons take to loading this thing. He places some cannon fuse in the small hole at the sealed end and then uses Gorilla Glue to seal it up real good. He waits for that to set for about an hour then he dumped a whole container of BP down the shoot, Stuffs the t-shirt down the tube, the stuffs the baseball sown the tube and packs it down real nice and tight with a broom handle.

He then leans it back up against the bed of the ruck, lights the fuse and runs like hell for the back porch where Dave was already waiting. This is where things went real bad. The damn drive shaft falls to the ground and shifted direction as it did. Now the buisness end is pointing at the wood stacked up behind the shed.

Now at this time I was in the basement of our home workin on a little pet project I had goin on. This damn thing goes off whit a horrendus boom, and a fraction of a second later I hear the crash of broken glass and a loud thump in the laundry room of the basement wich is just on the other side of the wall from where I am sitting.

I drop my soldiering gun into my lap burning my legs and almost other private parts there. I get my composure and get the soldiering iron back in its holder and run for the utility room. My Dryer has this huge dent in the side of it and there is a hole in the sheetrock with a baseball sticking half out of it. My brother Jason and his Baby Huey lookalike friend Dave come runnin down the stairs in a panic. From what was explained to me was the base ball shot out of the drive shaft, Bounced off the wood pile, Went through the basement window and into my dryer.


If this story dont do it for you I will tell you about the time my Cross Dressing friend Justin took on the Hick at a bar while dressed like a woman. I even got pictures of the out fit he was wearing.