A few funny quotes

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by aero, Sep 5, 2012.

  1. aero

    aero Active Member

    Apr 20, 2012
    Pacific Northwest

    I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall..'
    - Eleanor Roosevelt

    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
    - Mark Twain

    The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
    - George Burns

    Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
    - Victor Borge

    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
    - Mark Twain

    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
    - Socrates

    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
    - Groucho Marx

    My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe..
    - Jimmy Durante

    I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor

    Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
    - Alex Levine

    My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
    - Rodney Dangerfield

    Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
    - Spike Milligan

    Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
    - Joe Namath

    I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
    - Bob Hope

    I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
    - W. C. Fields

    We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
    - Will Rogers

    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
    - Winston Churchill

    Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
    - Phyllis Diller

    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
    - Billy Crystal
  2. 01brian

    01brian New Member

    Dec 7, 2011
    lol..i enjoyed those!

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