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Aren't their any new Jokes out there?!

2K views 4 replies 4 participants last post by  Salvage33 
#1 ·
I know our minds are on more important things, but let's not lose our sense of humor folks!
 
#2 ·
Haven't scoped this area of the board out for a long time--forgive me Berto for having missed your comment. Humor sometimes is the force that drives us along--it must be that way for we would certainly find ourselves weeping and knashing our teeth more than we do if we didn't think of the funny side of things. Often I have seen Lee Marvin, a former USMC, relating how he got wounded---perhaps he was wounded more than once but I only recall the time when he'd tell some wide eyed inquisitor about getting "shot in the ass". There was another time long after he left the military and he was sharing a space available ride on a military aircraft with a high ranking naval officer. It seemed that Marvin got angry at the officer for some reason, got the officers hat and started 'eating' the officers cover---scared the hell out of the high ranking officer. Sometimes when I share Vietnam experiences with friends in my home, I will bring out this hunk of sharpnel (a 4 ounce shard from a 130 Mike-Mike arty round) that almost 'punched my ticket' on the 26th of February 1968 near the DMZ and attempt to relate for them the sights, sounds, smells, and yes, the fear that prevailed that day. Looking back now, there is humor---when I mention to my spellbound listeners, the sense of smelling, they immediately think humor--that I shit my britches. Land Sakes Pilgrim, the 'pucker power' is beyond extreme--I bet you couldn't drive a greased flax seed up the chute if you used a 10 pound hammer!!!! When ordinance detonates, you smell the gunpowder smell, but when high speed rounds pass overhead, it does something to the air---a kind of gas smell. My wife has listened to this same story many times over the years---she says there is a strange metamorphisis that takes place---I talk very much faster and my eyes take on a strange, frightening look---I gesture emphatically and move about in an almost, disjointed fashion. Centuries ago the Scottish poet Bobby Burns wrote, "to see ourselves as 'ithers see us". I realize this has not been humorous but 35 years of working at it, eventually I may have them rolling in the aisles laughing as I relate the day "I almost bought the farm". Chief
 
#3 ·
How's about an old c/p on chili?

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the event:

*****Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili****
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy $@#!, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

*****Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili****
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

*****Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili****
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $@#!-faced from all of the beer.

*****Chili #4 Bubba's Black Magic****
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. b&&&h is starting to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

*****Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover****
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those ********.

*****Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety****
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I $@#! myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sister Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

*****Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili****
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like $@#! to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

*****Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili****
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
 
#5 ·
Henry...

First time I read that one was in an email I got from a friend. Printed it out and took it down the hall to his office, dropped it on his desk since he was not behind it at the time, and returned to my own.

About ten minutes later I hear this gut busting explosion of laughter as he read it. A few minutes later he appeared in the doorway of my office, still laughing, with tears rolling down his cheeks. At that point he was only on "chili" #3!! Needless to say, it wasn't an "edited" version such as we utilize here!!! ;)

Two or three other guys crowded into my office (it was filled with drawing tables, etc.) and as they laughed at Rick laughing, I just printed out more copies and handed them out.

For weeks after that all we had to do was say a number or rattle off the name of the chili. Kept us all in stitches for weeks and weeks.

John
 
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