BG's Korny Story of the day

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by warpig, Feb 24, 2003.

  1. warpig

    warpig Guest

    BlackGun
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    (11/20/01 6:07:50 pm)
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    BG's Korny Story of the day
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Lone Ranger and Tonto!
    >
    >The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into the Pump House and sat down to drink a
    >beer. After a few minutes, a big
    >tall Texas cowboy named LTS walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
    >
    >The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
    >LTS looked at the Lone
    >Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is
    >about dead outside!"
    >
    >The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was
    >ready to die from heat
    >exhaustion.
    >
    >The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel
    >a little better. The Lone Ranger
    >turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and
    >see if you can create enough of a
    >breeze to make him start to feel better."
    >
    >Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
    >Not able to do anything else
    >but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the pump House to finish his drink.
    >
    >A few minutes later, another Texas cowboy named AntiqueDr struts into the bar and asks, "Who
    >owns that big white horse
    >outside?"
    >
    >The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him
    >this time?"
    >
    >AntiqueDr. looks him in the eye and says,...
    >
    >
    >(...I JUST LOVE THIS...)
    >
    >
    >"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin.'"



    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 11/30/01 1:00:56 pm

    TallTLynn
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    (11/20/01 6:13:17 pm)
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    Oh that is soooooooooo bad BlackGun - it's hysterical!!!

    LIKTOSHOOT
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    (11/20/01 6:20:07 pm)
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    .....up close, the bumpersticker read..."Honk if you think it`s Korny"
































    HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HONK-HOOOOOOOOONNNKK!!!
    America, we are the symbol of Freedom and Liberty......

    Different name
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    (11/20/01 6:24:50 pm)
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    ezSupporter
    Re: BG's Korny Story of the day
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    Where tha hell do ya think "FireBird Pontiac" come frum?
    And all dressed up in buckskin leather seats too!
    Charlie D
    BG thaut wun waz wertha $1.500 rebate!

    AGunguy
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    (11/20/01 6:29:39 pm)
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    Tonto becames winded and tired from running around Silver, he's thinking a beer would go mighty good about now and he returns to the bar in the pump house.

    Meanwhile the Lone Ranger has artfully been given a mickey by Conchita and Maria who are now biting the silver bullets out of his nickled plated cartridge cases. Zelda, a local tramp, who is slight of build rips off the Rangers mask and decides to use it as bra, as she has some bottoms that will match it. The poor masked man is passed out on the floor with drool spilling off his chin that is hanging over a cuspidor. His ivory handled six shooters are being foundled by AntiqueDr and LTS who are about to shoot dice to see who gets the pair.

    Tonto shouts: "Wake up, Keno Slobber, you lookem silly with your face in that brass spittoon."

    Tonto gives up trying to revive the mickied Lone Ranger, he heads back outside to find Silver and his horse Scout are gone to the Pump House stables to be harnessed to a grist mill that is low voltage generator that operates the Bob's Best still.


    Gunguy

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 11/21/01 12:03:43 am

    warpig883
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    (11/20/01 8:52:05 pm)
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    Standing over the low voltage generator with a can of oil in hand and beads of sweat dripping from his beard is Blackgun. Cursed by Warpig to get the generator going. Never again will Blackgun hoard all the elixer to himself. We gots to find an easier way to make this stuff he mutters to himself and bends over the antiquated machinery. psst he hears and cautiously looks around. Nothing there he thinks and bends back over psst psst, Blackgun digs around in the piles of empty bottles and finds a figure tied into a bundle. Blackgun kicks it a time or two to make sure it won't bite. He starts untying the wretched rag and comes to realize it is an old velvet smoking jacket. Bound inside he finds the long lost Shane, Who would do this he wonders. Thunp (like a hollow melon sound) goes a rifle butt to his head and Blackgun crumples to the floor next to the helpless Shane.
    frayed ends of sanity, everyones after me.

    reedbuster
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    (11/20/01 11:43:35 pm)
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    HONK-HONK-HONK!
    Browning-The Best There Is.

    AGunguy
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    (11/21/01 10:54:13 am)
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    In the darkened room the 25 watt light bulb flickering from the low voltage of the grist mill generator shows a hand deftly unfastening the soiled red garter from BlackGuns shear silk stockings attached to his pink too too.
    BlackGun stirs slightly still in la la land, the hand lifts the 8 mm Mauser rifle butt...but sees he is no threat and retreats into the darkness from whence it came.

    From the nearby pump house, bullets are breaking glass windows and dimily lit kerosene lanterns are blown out by the concussion of the shots. Women scream as well as some of the men...who are afraid of the dark.

    It seems AntiqueDr caught LTS using loaded dice to win the lone rangers prized pistols and they decided to settle it in a gentlemans fashion...a shoot out.

    Gunguy



    280freak
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    (11/21/01 2:21:13 pm)
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    And awaaaaaaaay we go!

    (Hopefully?)

    Different name
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    A SHOOT OUT? Will AntiqueDr and LTS be ina frame of mind tabea facin off?
    About that time, in walked TAC401 pleading and cajolin as usual, but ta no avail. The two duelist werea preparin ta enter the dusty wind blown street just outside tha Pump House, when, TAC called em inta a huddle. Doc, he said, "I've drawd upa reesnuble sulutiion ta this here situatun. Heres a bein my pen fer youse ta sine it rite now!
    Ferther, eacha of u'll be fired ifn ya don sine it!" TAC quickly pulled LTS ta tha side and took hisn loaded dice an threw them in tha middle of the nearby horsewaterin barrel. DOC wuz wunderin bout tha Tactics of TAC an said, "now TAC, wud ya minda tellin wein's why we shud sine, wun moor tiam?"
    Meanwhial....
    BG wuza moar thana takin alert tenshion ta TAC's carriun on....
    Havin muvd theez two dewlers rapudli out ta tha dusty street, he waza thinkin bout purhaps, LTS mita be hankerin ta sell hisn loadid ivoaries an bea fugettin bout dewlin, seins nary ofa tha othur of em hada bin pornowncd reprusntin "Gentalmin"
    ofa ani ordur aut ani tiam!
    Acktually, tha loded ivaries belongd ta Triky TLynn's gamblin cumpanun....trukinibin, whoo wuza lisinin kairfulli and strtd ta lookin fer Wepunsman....uuhhh, I meen "AGunguy".
    Now, aftur trukinibin gota thru fillun GG ontha situatun, GG, said,
    "Bettur bein doin sum tipe of dealun wiuth thait St. Lewie, Lewie kronie ofn TAcs, bout now.
    GG looukd up ata TLynn an Erbi whowuza neerbi, an sade, "whersa "Roburta ofa Loueesa" ....Durnit, ya all kno whoitisa I woncha ta git fur me."
    Unbeanowin to butta a fue, Roburt ofa St. Lewie hadabenna wantin ta git hisn hands on those crookud dias fur yeers.
    Steppin outta oftha Pump Howse, he loukd ata GG aun mumbld................."

    Charlie D



    AGunguy
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    (11/21/01 4:34:26 pm)
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    If you can talk Tac into to letten me have them loaded dice I'll trade you my colllection of fine Spanish fly pistols.

    Gunguy's eyes bug oug out at that offer, "not yer beautiful collection of Spanish pistols made from mellted down stillitos of Porto Rican and Tjauna ancesstry."

    Bob says, "yep, the whole shebang. Heck with them dice I win back that collection a 100 times over.
    Might even start collection Smiths and Colts too."

    Gunguy says, "OK, I'll start a diversion and you grab the dice...get ready when everyone panics...but don't forget to hold yer breath or you're a dead man."

    Bob of St Louie nods his head Ok as Gunguy checks the wind and winks back at him. Then we hear a terrible ripppppping sound like a clap of thunder. A purple and green cloud is forming in a 25 foot area and everyone standing nearby is jumping on their horses three at a time trying to get away from this menace...but the horse knows he can't out run this stuff so he immurses his head in the horse trough until the wind blows it away.

    Bob of St Louie is smarting like tear gas has hit him, but he grabs the dice and runs away up the alley only to be tripped by someones open toed sandles and as he falls face first into the dust his outstretched wrist is stepped on by a foot, the hand holding the dice pops open and are quickly snatched away. Bob knows he's been had and he's plenty mad. The dirty thief runs up the end of the alley and turns into a side door to the pump house.

    Gunguy

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 11/21/01 4:39:11 pm

    warpig883
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    (11/21/01 8:22:02 pm)
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    As he runs into the Pump House he is looking for a place to hide the illicit dice. For lack of a better place he quickly slides them down the barrell of his tRusty longarm. Barely recognizable under the polished sheen of a lovely brown patina is a model 97 shotgun.
    One after one, by the star-dogged moon, Too quick for groan or sigh, Each turned his face with a ghastly pang, And cursed me with his eye. Four times fifty living men, (And I heard nor sigh nor groan) With heavy thump, a lifeless lump, They dropped down one by one.

    Tac401
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    (11/21/01 8:40:53 pm)
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    Yep'ins, by all means takes dem dices and gits'ta
    crack'in!
    The Firearms Forum Vietnam Memories Bulletin Board Contact Administrator

    warpig883
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    (11/21/01 10:44:08 pm)
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    I figured I better go git Shane. He was kidnapped and need to get back here and take his place in the story.

    forums.forthehunt.com/ubb...10482.html

    This ought to get some of them fired up.

    One after one, by the star-dogged moon, Too quick for groan or sigh, Each turned his face with a ghastly pang, And cursed me with his eye. Four times fifty living men, (And I heard nor sigh nor groan) With heavy thump, a lifeless lump, They dropped down one by one.

    Edited by: warpig883 at: 11/21/01 10:46:27 pm

    280freak
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    (11/21/01 10:50:19 pm)
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    Good one, Warpig! Can't imagine THAT one lasting too long over there!

    AGunguy
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    (11/22/01 12:02:36 am)
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    Man, you people are crazier than me...and that's pretty freaken crazy. Followed the continuing episode over at the GB link above, bunch of people calling Shane, Shane, thought for a minute I had the darn movie on again and fixing to paddle that darn blonde toeheaded kids britches and send him back home.

    Guess Shane went to use the privy and hogs ate him, don't know where he is. Wonder if he left his war bag in the barn, he had a right smart looking gun rig as I recall...maybe its still there.

    Gunguy

    reedbuster
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    (11/22/01 12:08:28 am)
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    Quack, says the Duck. Its still there, must be a new record
    Browning-The Best There Is.

    Edited by: reedbuster at: 11/22/01 12:30:47 am

    warpig883
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    (11/22/01 8:59:48 am)
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    That MOFO guy is a nutcase isn't he? danged donut eater
    One after one, by the star-dogged moon, Too quick for groan or sigh, Each turned his face with a ghastly pang, And cursed me with his eye. Four times fifty living men, (And I heard nor sigh nor groan) With heavy thump, a lifeless lump, They dropped down one by one.

    AGunguy
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    (11/22/01 10:50:42 am)
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    Hey, Honkey Mofo. Ah gots ta know...yo gonna eat that doughnut?

    GG

    shane
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    (11/30/01 1:17:21 pm)
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    ............From behind the generator shane drags himself up rubbing his head. Shane shouts who the heck hit me, when I find out I'm gonna boil there liver in oil!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Not too badly hurt shane takes a seat at the nearest table and asked the crowd at the pump house , Who has the plans for the next raid on Brokerville..................................

    BlackGun
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    (11/30/01 1:29:22 pm)
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    BlackGun stumbles throught the swinging doors of the Pump House, head still bleeding and a goose egg the size of a basketball, struggles over to Shane's table, where he sit, sipping on a cold bottle of Bob's Best. Shane ask's BlackGun, "do you have any idea who hit me" BlackGun, still dazed, replied with, "No, Shane, No idea, that last thing I saw befor I went down was a someone running up to me wearing a pink TuTu and a soild red Garter". BlackGun orders a 5th of Bob's Best, when a rumble from across the room is heard. Shane and BlackGun turn to see what the comotion is all about when they see.......................................
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN


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    shane
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    (11/30/01 1:44:28 pm)
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    Five big dudes come strolling in. The biggest one yelled someone better come get this dumb injun running around out here. He's gonna kill his fool self...............TallLynn says minda your own business mister before things get ugly......................................................

    AGunguy
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    (11/30/01 3:28:33 pm)
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    The lone Ranger is trying to come back to consousness after being slipped a mickey from Conchita and Maria...he hears the word injun and is worried about his faithful sidekick Tonto. Oh my aching head and his neck is sore from his chin hanging over the lip of the spittoon too long.

    Struggling to set up he's holding is head in his hands and discovers his black mask hiding his identity is gone the smiling female dwarf named Zelda is standing before him jetting out her new masked boobs with Keno Slobbers mask. He knows its his mask because of the cut-out eyeports showing her two ruby red mammal
    buttons.

    "See here, you you munchken, give me back my mask!"

    Zelda whips out her snub nosed 38 special and shoves the barrel into his right nostrel..."finders keepers big boy."

    The Lone Ranger tells her to keep the mask and he looks over at men arguing over his two nickle plated ivory handled revolvers.

    "See here, my good men...those are my firearms...return them at once or I will have to thrash you both."

    AntiqueDr and LTS look past themselves to see if he was talking to someone else, then Like To Shoot says...



    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/1/01 2:40:46 pm

    BlackGun
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    LTS says I'm starvin, anybody got a DONUT"
    rules for survival: Sight alignment, Breath control, & Trigger Squeeze
    BlackGUN

    AGunguy
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    (11/30/01 6:18:06 pm)
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    Warpig walks by munching a doughnut and says, they just put a fresh box on the bar top...but I got the last one...munch munch, chomp chomp...gulp! I also got all those before the last one...burrrrp!

    Gunguy

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 11/30/01 9:56:52 pm

    warpig883
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    Flicking coconut crumbs and little candy sparkly things from his flavor saver Warpig leans back on the bar and motions to Barbie the newest addition to the staff. "Barbie will you go on over and see if you can take Lts's mind off his hunger pains."
    Lts sees her coming and quickly puts on his best he man centerfold look.
    Trust and forgive

    shane
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    (12/1/01 9:48:55 pm)
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    Before LTS gets a chance at her shane jumps up on the bar and yells, I said who has the plans for our next raid on Brokerville. You all know they stole a shipment of Bobs Best from us and we have to get it back. Warpig stood up twirling his pearl handled gold plated six shooters and and offered a reward for the Bobs Best. Then Blackgun pulled out his secret weapon. It was so big that LTS had to help carry it. Blackgun had been working on that 50cal sniper rifle for some time.It had a 4 foot barrel and could take out an elephant from a mile away.
    Shanes trusty side kick Herby told the gang that they should send in their two baeutful but deadly secret agents, TallLynn and Ms.Beast. He said they could more than handle the job while the rest of the gang tried to get that dang injun to stop running around the masked mans horse....................

    warpig883
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    As the group is watching him run circles around the horse they are contemplating various ideas on how to get him to stop. Different Name saunters up to the dizzy indian and deftly pokes out his size 13 foot encased in lovely pink slipper. The injun trips and falls down.
    Know what?

    shane
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    (12/3/01 12:22:40 am)
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    And with all the excitement over the gang head back into the pump house for another round of Bobs Best. The barkeep fills everyones glass and proclaims the the big fellow called 218Bee said he was buying...........................

    BlackGun
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    (12/3/01 12:45:05 am)
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    .218 having a pocket full of gold coins, all of the female Pump House staff surrounds him, offering him their wears! Soild white, yellow and green gaters, petting him gently. When all of a sudden the front swinging doors are torn open by an unknow person wearing a set of Deasert Eagle side arms. The Villan states"......................................Which one of you is Shane!..................................................OH! Shite! All of the Patrons start to thumb their guns when.............
    IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN... IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING!!!"
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 12/3/01 12:50:30 am

    shane
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    (12/3/01 12:58:43 am)
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    Shane says I didn't think you guys from Brokerville had the balls to come here after me. It's one thing to steal our Bobs Best but this takes the cake. With a hand on his trusty S&W 357mag shane stood up to face the low down dirty scum called Admin. when......................... the lights go out in the pump house....................... All anyone could hear were blood curling screams among the flashes of light as shane fired his gun. When the lights were turned back on it was a sight to behold...........................

    218Bee
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    (12/3/01 1:50:04 am)
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    Turns out the villin had run for his life out of the darknes,for he recognised the flash of shanes sixguns...plus he were afraid of the dark.

    Also turns out the blood curdling screams were commin from shane,seems he had got hold of some awful hot handloads,and his hands hurd with each shot fired.

    and he had accidently shot up all the remaining jugs-a-bobs best..oh lord..more blood curdling screams of 'What will we do now' from the female patrons of the pump house.

    Neva fea,says 218Bee in a gentlemanly southern accent ,suprizingly like Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday.....I have several 55 gallon drums of low bush lightnin,right out in the econoline van............


    .218

    280freak
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    "sounding surprisingly like Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday"

    ROFLMFAO!!!

    Now I've got to wipe the coffee off the monitor!

    Nice ta start the day with a laugh like that, thanks!

    218Bee
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    (12/3/01 11:14:55 am)
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    The female patrons love 218Bees accent and and request over and over again for him to say,in that gentlemanly suothern accent, suprisingly like Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday.."I`m your huckleberry".

    Just keep petting me gently ladies,218Bee replies....and for the next 30 minutes all that can be heard by all those in the pump house as they listen and whatch in amazement is that gentlemenly southern accent,suprisingly like Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday,sayin` "I`m your huckleberry"over and over again...........and the giggling pump house girls..........


    .218

    AGunguy
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    (12/3/01 3:22:24 pm)
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    were throwing their panties at this southern wonderkind, while all the men were grabbing the spittoons to dump their stomach contents into the rapidly filling cuspidors.

    This created a tense amount of jealous animosity among the male miscreants as they ground their teeth molars in in frenzied consternation. (sounded like troops marching on gravel)

    LTS strolls up to the Val Kilmer wannabe and his jaw is tight and his eyes are firery red coals that are blazing with anger. He says...


    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/3/01 9:37:24 pm

    warpig883
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    I'll be yer hairy huckelberry and plants a big wet tobaccy kiss in his lips. .218 stunned with lust does not realize Lts is actually going through his pockets and using the kiss as a distraction.
    Know what?

    AGunguy
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    (12/3/01 3:33:22 pm)
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    Oh shite...ha ha ha ha ha....oh gasp gasp...that's funny.

    Gunguy

    Different name
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    Egadd....tha bartender yelled.....LTS ifn ya stop a kissin thet
    kim fellar, I'l be glad ta giva back yer tips fer tonite....
    No deal....Lts jumped back into a death defyin embrace.....
    tha sloberrring wuz herd clear outin tha dusty street, and nearly causin a crowd to settal aroun.....bout thet time, erbir frum tha helth deportmant starts ta readin a section of a
    local waterin cuntaminatin ordance. "curcumstandances ofn thisun new ordununce restiks sloberring under any circumdance in tha public area of a Pump House tipa Tavern,
    Therefur, I'ma referrin theis affare ta AntiqueDr fer actchin imeediateli.....wher iz he...........

    Indybear57
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    You folks are just nucking futs! This is an outstanding piece of work and I look forward the the continuing adventures!
    KICK ASS U.S.A.!

    AGunguy
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    (12/3/01 7:15:23 pm)
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    218bee stands there with his eyeballs saying 'tilt' a wift of smoke is curling up out of his ears. He softly starts singing the eyes of Texas are upon you.

    LTS wipes the back of his hand across his tobacco stained lips and hawks a cud chaw into a half filled cuspidor.

    He says, so you liked that Mr. fancy pants Val Kilmer wannabe, well that was the Texas Mafia kiss of death. I'm a straight dude and you'ed better believe it Mr. But please allow me to buy you drink at the bar and offer you some of our free donuts and free lunch the flys are roosting on.

    218bee says, I'd bee honored suh, lead the way.

    As the two men stroll over to the bar, Warpig can be seen injecting another mickey in the single donut left on the platter. It is one of Gunguys favorite, cake donut with pink icing on it. And before 218bee can pick it up Gunguy has scooped it up and munched it.

    Aah ha, got the last one he proudly boast...then falls face down into an overflowing spittoon.

    Warpig signals with his eyebrows for Conchita and Maria to sidal on over and take care of this Val Kilmer wannabe. The girls giggle and sashshay over wiggling their hips like they got a universal joint busted in their gear box.

    Gunguy

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/7/01 10:11:12 am

    warpig883
    Moderator
    Posts: 1340
    (12/3/01 8:11:27 pm)
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    OMG LMAO The eyes of Texas thing made me laugh so hard the kids came to see what is going on.
    Know what?


    Page 1 2 3 4 5 6
    LIKTOSHOOT
    Senior Chief Moderator Staff
    Posts: 2951
    (12/3/01 8:18:51 pm)
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    ...a knock at the back door is heard (hand to ear straining, unlike straining to.....well, you know) "Who`s there?" "Patina" "Patina who?" "Polish Patina round in yer arse ifin ya don`t open the door!!!" The rackin of a pump gun is heard and a loud yelp as the sound of short shuckin, calls for a suuasagage doctor.....not to be confused with DOC, cause he don`t do sausage..just then.............
    America, we are the symbol of Freedom and Liberty......

    shane
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 85
    (12/3/01 11:10:14 pm)
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    .......More cries are heard from shane, he was saying please ladys I'm really o.k. you don't have to do that, As TallTLynn whispered somthing in his ear shane told the pump house gang that he was going out for more donuts...............................................Apon hearing the word donuts a fist fight broke out between LTS, Blackgun, and Warpig over who was going to get the first one...................................................

    218Bee
    Member
    Posts: 15
    (12/3/01 11:40:06 pm)
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    Look what I got myself into...left the safety of GB...came here...and now I`m MR.Fancy Pants Val Kilmer Wanna-bee!

    .218

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 916
    (12/3/01 11:54:18 pm)
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    Hey, if I hadn't taken that donut from you...you'ed be face down in that brass honey pot. Shane went out to get some more...hang in there, buddy.

    Gunguy

    shane
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 88
    (12/3/01 11:54:48 pm)
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    At least they didn't sick the giant nut eating squirrel on ya like they did me !!!

    218Bee
    Member
    Posts: 16
    (12/4/01 12:46:11 am)
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    AGunguy,that was just like bein` there,in that perdickyment...Ya showed real mercy at the last minute,with that do nut!!

    I have a feelin Conchitalinda and Mariasita are just gettin started on ol .218 right about now!

    Bee



    shane
    V.I.P. Member
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    (12/4/01 1:08:45 am)
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    ..........................Later shane came back to the pumphouse with a dozen donuts and lipstick all over him. The gang scrambled to get the first donut but AGunGuy pulled a secret lever droping the hoochie mama cage on all of them. They all knew that AGunGuy was clever but they never saw that one coming.


    Taking his prize AGunguy sat down at the bar when........................................................

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 921
    (12/4/01 9:20:45 am)
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    ...he realized they don't have barstools at the pump house, this joint was an old western saloon with kerosene lanterns hanging from ceiling chains.

    So, he takes his ill gotten gain of donuts and moves to a poker table and chair.

    The miscreant gang in the cage are tightly packed in there they cannot draw their guns to exact revenge for this dastardly act of treason. Gunguy tries to reasure them that he will let them out in a day or two after they all cool down. But after many threats of Jihad (death to gunguy) he lets them all out after they all promised not to fill his boxer shorts with lead and drop him in the cement pond.

    GG

    BlackGun
    Moderator
    Posts: 1935
    (12/4/01 4:45:50 pm)
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    .........as GG sits at the card table, waiting on a game of five card stud with the card sharks, polishshooter, TAC, (who also has his loaded dice in his pocket) Flhunter, SXS and GunrunnerJohn, he hears a faint cry for help from above............! GG looks above his head to find Shooter22 still spinnin from the celing fan, wearing his tin foil hat, trying to hail the mother ship for again another supply of Bob's best. GG loooks up at Shooter22 and say's " Shooter22, did ya say something" Shooter22 replies, "GG, I been a hangin arounde up here for ever now, a waiting on the mothership from Uranus to come, I'm starving, would ya throw me a couple of them thar Donuts up here before BG, LTS and Piggy eats Em all up". GG, feeling sorry for Shooter22 chuncks a whole dozen Jalapeno flavored pigs in a blanket with cheese up to Shooter22. All of a sudden there is a thud, a loud thud, heard hitting the floor near the bar,. It get's so quite that a man could hear one of GG's marked cards hit the floor. Everyone turns to look and it's..............................
    IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN... IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING!!!"
    BlackGUN

    warpig883
    Moderator
    Posts: 1363
    (12/4/01 5:49:42 pm)
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    Shhooter22 coming down from his very long vigil spinning around the ceiling fan. It would seem a couple of the jalepeno dognut were thrown hard enough to knock out most of his teeth and dislodge him from his dizzy home. Fanks a fot Flackgun. I fight fave feen fup there forefer fif fa fadn't chunked the fognuts, says Shooter22 with a toothless smile.
    Know what?

    218Bee
    Member
    Posts: 20
    (12/4/01 6:36:16 pm)
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    Throo thu frunt door, which is being held open by his butler ,walks in a man of impeckable taste in smoking jackets ..it has cream cullerd lappells,and is a fine shade of burgandy,with ~SLB~emblasenmentricated acrossed the left breast.

    The handsome stranger steps up to the bar and calls to War Pig883"you there my good fellow,I am parched and famished all at once ,and so is my butler,Jeeves..""We were wondering if you serve ...at leased a california methode champenoise,in this quaint little dive.Perhaps something, light like chicken salad sandwiches ,cut in little triangles..and with the crust cut off".

    "We have traveled here in search of a young lady friend I once had..a Miss.Creant,...sir,do you think anyone could possibly be familliar with her...Miss.Creant that is?"......


    warpig883
    Moderator
    Posts: 1367
    (12/4/01 6:45:17 pm)
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    Warpig puffs up right away like a banty rooster. What kind of crazy talk is that? The gang quickly gathers behind the befuddled Warpig and stare at the stranger with his funny talk and funny clothes. "Well stanger, I don't know who ya are and what yer saying but I don't like the looks of it." drwla Warpig as he spits a cud of chaw on the strangers slippers and pulls out the dreaded 45 ACP with the 1000 round flex clip stapped to his leg.

    Conchita, Maria, Buffy, and Barbie all listen carefully. This is finally their chance to get to find out the secrets of the famous Miss. Creant. She is a legend in the Pump House for without her Warpig and Blackgun would not have been versed in training female types for servitude in the fancy establishment.
    Know what?

    BlackGun
    Moderator
    Posts: 1941
    (12/4/01 7:48:31 pm)
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    BlackGun, standing close behind Warpig, catches the drift of the stranger's remarks. BG, see's that Warpig is totally out control by the strangers manor of dress and his demeanor. BG notices the flush on Warpig's face as Warpig thumbs the hammer on his multi shot .custom built .45 ACP. BG see there's fixing to me a killin and there was noone faster to the draw than Warpig, Blackgun steps in and whispers in Piggy ear, "let me handle this one Piggy". BlackGun walks up to the stranger in the velvet Smokin Jakk-it and say's...............
    IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN... IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING!!!"
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 12/4/01 8:18:17 pm

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 929
    (12/4/01 7:58:35 pm)
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    See here, Mr. fancy stranger...I noticed you are wearing ruby red slippers...how did you ever get here in those wiffy slip-ons.

    "Well, I merely followed the yellow brick road and it led to your establishment."

    Zelda, the mini broad dwarf with the long rangers masked on as a bra, sings: "He followed the yellow brick road, follow follow...follow the yellow brick road!" Zelda is promptly sent rolling down the bowling alley hitting the pins with a loud noise.

    Warpig says, well, I ain't the Grand Wizard hereabouts, but LTS is. LTS strides forward in his grand wizard getup complete with bedsheet and hood.

    "Someone looking fer me? What can I do fer yee my son."

    Gunguy

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/4/01 8:09:03 pm

    BlackGun
    Moderator
    Posts: 1943
    (12/4/01 8:32:03 pm)
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    the dude in the velvet red smokin-jack-it say' I hearad ya'll, got fresh donuts here, may I have one , being intimidated by LT's white KKK sheet, and the Browning 50 protruding from beneath his robe. LTS rolls his eyes back, ready to blast away when GG again steps in wanting to keep he peace says............
    IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN... IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING!!!"
    BlackGUN

    shane
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 98
    (12/4/01 9:25:56 pm)
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    ...........Lets humor this weirdo and see what he is up too. After all he did have the guts to walk in here dressed like that.......................Hearing the words of the ever so masterful Gunguy shane steps up behind him and says, Gunguy is right fellers lets have some fun with this dude before we kill him!!!..............................................

    BlackGun
    Moderator
    Posts: 1945
    (12/4/01 9:38:09 pm)
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    with that, everyone smiles and the tention is eased. GG hollers " i want ya'll money" as he sets the deck for the next game of poker. Shane sits down at the table with a wad of money that would choke a mule and hollers " bring the bottle of Bob's Best over here Buffy! I'm feel like a winner tonight! From behind the bar comes T with the frosty glasses of fresh brewed Bob's best, wearing a pair of red nomex unidies, not knowing what this roudy cerw will do next. Shane looks over at T and says...........................
    IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN... IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING!!!"
    BlackGUN

    shane
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 101
    (12/4/01 9:56:25 pm)
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    ..........what ya doing after hours tonight you sexy thing!!!!!!........and before shane could even get all the words out T cracked him on the back of the head and said come over and find out if'n you are man enough....................With a very unsure look on his face shane said you girls stop gawking and lets get down to business, Who's dealin.................................

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 931
    (12/4/01 11:09:42 pm)
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    Gunguy is just a humble old fart who doesn't want to kill or rumble with anyone. He is certainly not masterful of anything, but hopefully a light-hearted old joker who likes a fun story.

    I've had some good laughs from all of you telling your parts in this story. And please forgive me if I've stepped on any toes. You are all great people to have fun with.

    GG



    shane
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 105
    (12/4/01 11:29:27 pm)
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    I met a woman who I think would make a wonderful hoochie mama for the pumphouse. I hope yall don't mind becouse I invited her over so ya'll could check her out!!!!!!!!

    uglypeople.com/uglywomen/...-00366.jpg









    So what do ya think ? Does she get the job ?


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    BlackGun
    Moderator
    Posts: 1953
    (12/5/01 1:09:11 am)
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    She's hired!

    my kind of woman!
    IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN... IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING!!!"
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 12/5/01 1:10:02 am

    shooter22
    Moderator
    Posts: 593
    (12/5/01 1:16:31 am)
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    Man, someone took a dump in her Post Toasties this morning!




    Creative job on the brows and lips.

    shooter22


    218Bee
    Member
    Posts: 21
    (12/5/01 1:46:34 am)
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    I`m not even sure she`s a women!

    .218


    I laughed, off and on, all day at work today, about what ol` LTS did ta that poor stranger yesterday......you guys are somethin else!!

    .218

    warpig883
    Moderator
    Posts: 1371
    (12/5/01 2:03:21 am)
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    So what is the name of our new bouncer.

    I have Buffy's audition pics if anyone wants me to e-mail them. i cannot post them here because Blackgun would not give her clothes back when we took the pics.

    I am also saying I have had great fun with these stories and if I step on any toes it might not have been on purpose and please get me back if I stepped to hard
    Know what?

    Edited by: warpig883 at: 12/5/01 11:20:10 am

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 933
    (12/5/01 10:51:18 am)
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    His-her name is Brucette, or Bruce for short. Ex Airborne Ranger from Fort Brag.

    Gunguy

    BlackGun
    Moderator
    Posts: 1957
    (12/5/01 12:39:57 pm)
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    Piggy, in reference to not giving Buffy her clothes back! I'm still wearing her panties and bra. Boy do they feel soft to the skin.
    IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN... IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING!!!"
    BlackGUN

    218Bee
    Member
    Posts: 22
    (12/5/01 2:46:44 pm)
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    The gentlemanly southerner with the accent that sounds like Val Kilmer/Doc Holliday steps into the Pump House side door.His hair is a mess,and his button up cowboy shirt is on backerds ,his allygator skin boots are on the wrong feet..with toes pointin` out...Conchita`s green panty are half way fallin` out from his left boot,and Marias pink panty is around his neck ..like a necklace.

    He straddles the nearest bar stool..then realises this dive don`t have any barstools..only tables and chairs.While pickin his self up he can be heard mumblin somethin like"Yo es su huckleebeerriio"and he sraggers to a chair and falls in like a sack-a-taters.

    He asks Buffy for a shot of"hair of the dog that bit me my dear".

    The slicker dude in the smokin jacket recognises this accent that sounds suprisingly like Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday..and says..........

    southernfreedom
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 181
    (12/5/01 3:56:55 pm)
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    BlackGun: That story about the Lone Ranger is great! I will tell it to my wife and kids when I get
    home! Goofy but funny!



    Hey, AGunGuy.....My name is Bruce and I am an ex airborne trooper from Ft.Bragg. How did
    you know so much about me? LOL!


    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 940
    (12/5/01 5:26:00 pm)
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    Vee Hav var vays of gathering information...Americaner. Vee know all about the miscreants over at der beer hall. Soon, dae and you will know our wrath...Geo Wrath...No. 1 G.I. Kraut super spy, trained in the fine arts of subterfudge...man of a thousand faces and voices. Sounds surprisingly like Val Kilmer from doc holliday.

    Heh heh, now der fun begins...schwinhoot.

    Back to our story: The slicker dude in the smoking jacket is in total awe of 218Bee.

    He says..."Sir, I beg your pardon. Are you familiar with the head of state around here. I'm looking for the great and powerful Oz. I was promised I could get a brain if this great wizard was available."

    Yes, the smoking jacket dandy was only that...a GB dandy with bad taste in clothes. Will the great Val Kilmer wannabee pass himself off as the Great Wizard of Oz, or will he merely settle for sounding like Val Kilmer of Doc Holiday.

    But alas, the all to familiar words roll off his pursed lips...well, I'm just yer huckle berry.

    GG




    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/5/01 9:46:28 pm

    shane
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    (12/5/01 9:31:33 pm)
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    .........About that time Timberbeast the wealthiest of the pump house gang strolls in and says to the poor stranger who is looking for OZ. I can't do much for ya in the way of a brain but if'n ya want I'll get ya some new duds, Then spits so hard that the spitoon went rolling under the bar with a thud. The facny pants stranger just stood there staring blankly becouse....................................................

    warpig883
    Moderator
    Posts: 1419
    (12/6/01 1:51:54 am)
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    he was a thinkin about drinking that spitoon.
    Know what?

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 951
    (12/6/01 11:13:33 am)
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    ...no, he was not thinking of drinking that spittoon. But figured he might be able to sell those solid spun brass orbs back over at GB auction for a pretty penny.

    The smoking jacket dandy in his red velvet slippers steps up to the bartender who is very German and has a thin paint brush moustache under his nose. The dandy clicks his heels three times, mein fuehrer I need to get back to the GB board. The bartender nods his head yes and says, ...mein little shickle grubber, there is no place like GB land, repeat that over and over.

    The smoking jacket dandy repeats the phrase over and over again...there's no place like GB, there's no place like GB... Then there is tap to the back of his right ear, he goes out cold and the miscreants tar and feather the dandy and ride him out of town on a worn out donkey that use to do the headliner act with Buffy.

    The donkey was hit with a cattle prod and is running and spinning, bucking fearcily transporting the smoking jacket dude back to GB land. His voice can be heard trailing off in the distance....WOOow heyyyhooo stooop!

    Gunguy

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/9/01 5:10:28 pm

    warpig883
    Moderator
    Posts: 1433
    (12/6/01 11:18:38 am)
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    I think the donkey worked with Brucette not Buffy.
    Know what?

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 953
    (12/6/01 11:25:05 am)
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    Say, I think the donkey was Brucette with a bobbed tail. I know it likes to have a tailgate party.

    GG

    shane
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 118
    (12/6/01 3:40:37 pm)
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    ...............After a few days of drinking heavily and wondering if the weirdo ever made it back to GB land, SXSMAN comes in riding that donkey. He said that it came up to him on the road outside of town and started hunching his leg..........................................................

    timberbeast
    V.I.P. Member
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    (12/6/01 11:49:50 pm)
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    SXSMAN walks through the doors into the saloon. Staggering slightly, he makes his way to the bar. His trenchcoat covers the sawed-offSXS 10 gauge he has on a rawhide tether ready for action. He orders a shot of redeye. Heads turn, and nervous looks are exchanged. Hushed whispers can be heard. Finally, the Val/Doc wannabe stands and says: "If yuh ain't drinkin' Bob's best, suh, you ain't drinkin' in this heah establishment." SXSMAN turns slowly, his eyes red-rimmed, and a four day growth upon his face. "So, it's you!", he states, a look of anger clouding his face. "I beg to differ, suh.", says Val/Doc. SXSMAN looks puzzled. "What the hell are you talkin' 'bout?", he says. In the distance, outside the batwing doors, a faint cry can be heard, unmistakably TLynn's voice: "Shane, don't go!! We love you, Shane!!".
    SXSMAN continues his half-drunk stare and repeats his question. "Ah ain't me, suh", says Val/Doc. The murmurs grow, when through the doors, tearing hinges and cracking wood, bursts Nunn. He has two fistfuls of delete buttons, and a .25 Raven in his waistband. SXSMAN, his hand underneath the long coat, nervously fingers his............................................shotgun. Val/Doc steps between the two men and says:

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 955
    (12/6/01 11:49:53 pm)
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    Hunching his leg??? Egads, must have been a small donkey.

    Gunguy

    shane
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    (12/6/01 11:59:14 pm)
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    Wanting to clear the air of any questions before he had to do his dirty deed NUNN says, That thar donkey is my little toy and I just want ya'll to know that I'm gonna get the next sob that I cetcha riding him.....................................

    warpig883
    Moderator
    Posts: 1442
    (12/7/01 12:33:11 am)
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    err I mean getting ridden by my pet donkey. He might be half Texas leg hound but he all mine and you fellers keep away says Tac as he nervously eyeballs the crowd to see which ones have been hunched by his lovely pet. Suddenly Tac sees brucett and falls head over heals in love. Dropping the leash to the donkey he runs over to the bouncer and begins to flirt. Meanwhile the half Texas leg hound donkey wanders over to a spitoon full of worms that were for the worm eating dog and starts munching away.
    Know what?

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 956
    (12/7/01 1:28:49 am)
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    Man, what would we ever do without them spittoons in this story, they sure getten a work out.

    Gunguy


    Page 1 2 3 4 5 6
    218Bee
    Member
    Posts: 26
    (12/7/01 2:19:11 am)
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    "That theyah,is strike two suh",says Val/Doc,"it`s one thang ta drank somethin` othah than Bobs bayest in heah...but when ya go ta stealin` a mayans leg humpin` donkey,you gawna hafta pay"...."Nunn,suh,what would you take for that thayah leg humpin` donkey....I`d like ta puhhchase him for my oldest friend the sex,er,I mean the sxsman..............
    (Spoken in a gentlemanly southern accent,surprisingly like Val Kilmer in his role as Doc Holliday)

    timberbeast
    V.I.P. Member
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    (12/7/01 3:04:00 am)
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    SXSMAN is now bringing the sawed-off up from beneath his coat. NUNN does not go for the Raven, and as SXSMAN fires, NUNN simply deletes the buckshot headed his way. SXSMAN is baffled. Spoken in a gentlemanly southern accent, surpisingly like Val Kilmer in his role as Doc Holiday, Val/Doc, Ivory gripped pistols drawn, stares at NUNN and says: "Why, suh, I'm afraid this strain is moah than I can beah." NUNN attempts to delete Doc's guns, but it fails to work. Stunned, and nervous, NUNN says: "Fight's not with you, Holiday."
    Val/Doc, speaking in a gentlmanly southern accent, surprisingly like Val Kilmer in his role as Doc Holiday, replies: "I beg to diffuh, suh. We stahted a game we never got to finish. Delete the post, remembuh?"
    NUNN, very nervous now, says "I was just foolin' about."
    Doc/Val replies "Ah wasn't. And this tahm, ah got a mule and Festus on mah side."
    NUNN hears the click of a single action 1873 behind him. Festus has arrived and states "Now dontcha all be gettin' yourn undies in a bundle there, now, Mr. NUNN, see you's all outgunned and delete don't work for ya in this forum, dontcha see? Dadblame it, I brung me along my own ole' mule, and the humpin outside has commenced, so doncha be worryin' yer mind after sech a thang. Brought me along my own ole' friend as well, cantcha see him up onta that thar balcony?"
    NUNN, sweating, moves his eyes upwards and sees Pelican holding with a firm bead on the full spitoon at NUNN's feet. "Make a move for that thar delete button again, and you'll wish you had a wooden boat.", states Pelican firmly. Val/Doc smiles, looking surprisingly like Val Kilmer in his role as Doc Holiday. When, suddenly, from behind the bar,...........................

    280freak
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    (12/7/01 9:26:06 am)
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    Oh......my.......God! I don't know when I've laughed so hard, you guys! This story has turned out to be almost TOO good! Keep 'er rollin", guys, great stuff!

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 958
    (12/7/01 2:33:22 pm)
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    Suddenly from behind the bar Zelda pops up, the mini midget who is slightly pissed for being bowled down the saloons bowling alley, has climbed up the bartenders leg to take a knee cap shot at Nunn's ball...park zone.

    Nunn see's the double action onslaught of slugs acoming and whips out his lap top to quickly cuts and paste himself back to GB land where he is safe with his cronies from Admin. But Nunn in his haste has screwed up, he forgot to type in...there's no place like GB land. Suddenly Nunn feels the gentle tap of a leather sap behind his right ear, and BlackGun is chortling he got 'em.

    Nunns eyes go tilt, and the miscreants are bellying up to the bar as Val/doc has said: "Gentlemen, the drinks are on the house."

    Warpig button holes Val/doc that the drinks ain't on the house, they are behind the bar...not the dadgum
    roof?

    Val/doc realizes Warpig is two sheets to the wind and not able to assemulate everything thrown at him at this time.

    Yas suh, you are indeed correct, suh. The drinks are behind the bar...would you be so kind to serve us some of your frisky intoxicating elixer that tickles the taste buds...my little huckle berry.

    Warpig grins and puts a keg up on the bar..."drinks are on the bar."


    Gunguy



    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/7/01 2:50:24 pm

    timberbeast
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    (12/7/01 6:54:44 pm)
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    While the intoxicating elixir is being poured, commotion is heard outside. The patrons make their way to the door, then out to the wood-plank sidewalk. The leg-whompin' mule and Festus's mule are still going at it, and Tonto is still running around both, looking dizzy and fatigued. But a large white horse has entered the fray. The Lone Ranger, bedraggled and maskless, sees that Silver is about to mount the male donkey. Gathering the last of his strength, he shouts "HI HO Silver!! You're Gay!!!!"
    Suddenly, the animals are still. It's quiet. Too quiet.

    From the west of town is sighted a large man, slowly riding his horse down the dusty road. Chills run up spines, and no one speaks. As the man reigns his horse to a stop in front of the Pump House, it is apparent that it is Whiteclouder, looking surprisingly like Wilford Brimley in his role as spokesman in the commercials for Liberty Medical Supplies. The sodden patrons await his words, and then he speaks.

    "Not a month before Christmas, and all through this town
    It seems that Bob's best is making the rounds
    The poker cards lay strewn out on the floor
    Doc has the most money and is looking for more
    TLynn in a halter, MsBeast in a dress
    And Festus and Pelican making a mess
    Shane is in chains and Blackgun has gone nuts
    .218 Bee keeps on making a fuss
    The dwarves are no different than Santa's own elves
    So leave them alone, be ashamed of yourselves
    Your families are waiting, your bosses are mad
    Yet you gather 'round spitoons whose contents are bad
    So to home and the comfort your families provide
    Lest I shoot you all dead and your loot I'll divide
    Then he turned back to west with a tug of the reigns
    As a daisy with gas turned away from his pains
    But they heard his last words as the dust then did clear
    I'm goin' back home cuz I sure need a beer"

    Silence held, save for the faint scuffing noise of boots on wood, when from across the street, a shadowy figure rose up from the false front of the roof of the general store. He was sillouetted against the afternoon sky, which looked surprisingly like the same painted backdrop used in westerns. The patrons of the Pump House could see that he held a .50 cal BMG and that it was trained on the center of the group, at which was Warpig, looking surprisingly like Val Kilmer in his role as Jim Morrison.

    Tlynn spoke in a whisper "could it be.............."


    warpig883
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    (12/7/01 7:17:11 pm)
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    help
    Know what?

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 962
    (12/7/01 8:12:12 pm)
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    The reason the old fart went back for his beer, he was afraid we'd drop the hammers on his tin ear. For he has no power on this board and he cannot control it with gun nor sword.

    We are the miscreants who support one another, we treat each other just like a brother.

    We josh and kid ourselves with much glee, almost to the point of wetting our pants with our pee. Nose sneezing our beverages on our monitor screens, then having it drip down on our brand new jeans.

    So ride in on your donkey, mules or your white horse, just keep them damn animals off our lovely golf course.

    Gunguy

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/7/01 8:14:21 pm

    warpig883
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    (12/7/01 8:41:33 pm)
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    uhhh, hate to break this to ya Gunguy but real men shoot sporting clays and don't play golf. I would love to see the golf course that would let ya bring in a shotgun.
    Know what?

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 964
    (12/7/01 8:54:56 pm)
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    Suh, ya'lls cut me to the quick...whatever the quick is?

    Ah do not play such drool entertainment, nooor ever will I club my balls around from hole to hole.

    However, there is southern gentlemens game known cow pasture pool. The ball is a large ball bearing about the size of a golf ball, each gentleman approaches the ball with a good driver...in this case a .44 magnum will do. Then one proceeds from hole to hole with an assortment of rifles and hand guns to accomplish his games score.

    The electric transport vehicles are equiped with a rolling wet bar, enebriated players are penalyzed by no drinking until they can get their ball bearings into their holes.

    Gunguy

    shane
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    (12/7/01 11:58:30 pm)
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    .................faintly from the back of the pumphouse shane could be heard crying, someone please come and let me outta these darn chains. Timberbeast had locked shane up to keep him out of trouble and TallTLynn along with the rest of the pumphouse gals had taken advantage of him. The new bouncer had even went so far as to take off his hat. ......................Feeling broken and somewhat less of a man without his hat shane walked out of the pumphouse and crossed the street to the bathhouse for a shave and a bath...........meanwhile the stage rolls into town and everyone was amazed at who had gotten out of it...................................................

    timberbeast
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    (12/8/01 4:07:06 am)
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    As Shane dries himself off, while from the stagecoach, emerges a worn, tough cowboy, with no care for those whom have gone before, or those who have passed.

    Timberbeast has let loose the bonds upon Shane, and nervous feelings fill both of their heads. Timber has given Shane a Colt .45, and Shane has reciprocated by handing the beast a full-auto AK. Timber says to Shane "How many rounds in the mag?" Shane responds "Only twenty, but twenty is enough for whatever you aim to shoot"

    The beast looks at Shane with a nervous glance. "That's Jack Palance. Twenty ain't enough." Tac appears through the back door, noticing that Shane is well satisfied, having been worn out from the antics of the women during his chained bath. "Get that memory out of your head now, boy, you have a fight comin' today!"

    The beast and Shane walk out to the street. Tumbleweeds blow past in the gathering wind. Tac has decided that the best part of valor is to stay out of sight. Palance gives the heavily armed duo a dubious look, then laughs out loud. "Since when did you two boys decide you could take on a real man?" Shane replies "You're outgunned, old man."

    Palance smiles, and replies "You're only outgunned if you miss."

    From the door of the pumphouse, there comes a nervous murmur. (sounding like all of the nervous murmurs in every movie ever produced). Suddenly, TLynn bursts from the door, just escaping the hands of Pelican, who attempted to hold her back. She is armed with a Beretta pistol, and fires, emtying her magazine, drops the mag and slams another one in, and continues firing. Festus can be heard between the shots, saying "Dad blame it, that purty lady thar kin shore shoot an eye from a chipmunk, dontcha see?"

    Two men lay dead on the dusty road. Neither has fired a round. Doc/Val stumbles forward to the door and assesses the situation. "Ain't no daisies", he says, sounding, with a gentlemanly southern accent, surprisingly like Val Kilmer in his role as Doc Holiday. Madness takes over the Pump house, as all inside rush forward to see the outcome of the fight. When the dust and smoke clears, the menagerie sees one man standing. Gasps arise from the crowd, and it is.....................................

    (sorry gang, I'm having fun with this!)

    warpig883
    Moderator
    Posts: 1484
    (12/8/01 8:36:36 am)
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    Keep it going I am getting some good laughs. I just have not been in a creative mood to help out with it.
    Know what?

    SXSMAN
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 232
    (12/8/01 9:07:00 am)
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    It's that rad tag,nerdo good SXSMAN.
    With his gruff look,handlebar mustache,arm in sling with a 410 sxs derringer tucked outa site he was still a formidable foe don't you know,and he was spoilin for a fight!

    WHERE THE ELL IS THIS dano FELLER AND HIS SIDEKICK 218?
    Haven't seen hide nor hare of dem low down varmints for quite a spell.(Not wishin to insult varmints the
    world over)

    He looks over the pumphouse with his good eye and spots a glimmer of sunlight,breakin through the many
    holes in the wall,creating a cascade of light.
    And to no-ones surprise the angel of mercy know as T smiled and beckoned me over.

    T spoke with a deep voice with the smoothness of honey "Your arm still as sore as a 50cent whore on
    quarter nite?"


    Don't ya worry yer pretty little head,I'll give it some rest,once theys dead!


    Then from the corner came such a commotion that it had to be



    ..........................................................................................

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 972
    (12/8/01 1:56:26 pm)
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    A fresh box of donuts has been brought into the pump house saloon, a stampede is now taking place through the torn off batwing doors. All the dance hall party girls are hanging from the ceiling lamps afraid to get crushed in that frenzied feeding onslaught.

    Zelda is too short to jump up on the hanging chain affairs and is quickly consumed in the rabid feeding, one miscreant exclaims in a surprise statement..."Hey fellers, there's some lady fingers in here...as well as some lady toes and a black mask with some eye ports."

    Soon, these donut sharks flow back out onto the street picking their toes for toe jam and then their teeth. Now their focus is on...

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/8/01 2:36:20 pm

    shane
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    (12/8/01 9:50:59 pm)
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    Timberbeast and shane who got up out of the dusty street where they had both been playing dead to keep TallTLynn from hitting them with a stray bullet. Timber turned to shane and said, I knew T wouldn't let us down and I'm glad as hell that we didn't get any of those donuts becouse from the way those guys are acting they must have been pretty nasty. Shane noded his head and started back into the bath house to see the little red head again when he noticed smoke coming from inside the pump house!!!!.....................Blackgun burst out the doors, hit the street rolling and was yelling, it is horrible someone has got to stop him!!..........................................

    218Bee
    Member
    Posts: 27
    (12/9/01 12:57:52 am)
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    .......Black Gun says in a voice sounding surprisingly like that feller in his role as Uncle Joe in Petticoat Junction "it`s the Jack Palance feller'...he`s in there on the stage,singin` in a gentlemanly southern accent,and soundin` surprisingly like Val Kilmer in his role as Doc Holliday"......."

    ".218/Val/Doc/ is very upset ,and and jealous,and ain`t likin` the Jack Palance feller ta be usin` that there gentlemanly southern accent,an soundin` surprisigly like Val Kilmer in his Role as Doc Holliday!"......."he`s a smokin` the biggest cigar ya ever seen,an sayin` when it go`s out he`s a gunna call the Jack Palance feller out inta the stree...that`s where all that smoke is-a-comin` from"....................
    (Spoken in a gentlemanly southern accent,surprisingly like Val Kilmer in his role as Doc Holliday)

    BlackGun
    Moderator
    Posts: 2015
    (12/9/01 3:31:57 pm)
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    This is one hell of a story! Great going guys and gals. Damn, we're at 100 now. A novel!
    IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO FORGIVE BIN LADEN...
    IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING!!!"
    BlackGUN

    Edited by: BlackGun at: 12/9/01 3:33:08 pm

    Different name
    V.I.P. Forum Host
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    (12/9/01 4:30:09 pm)
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    BG, no wonder I'm flat worn out from readin --- didja say 100 pages? Whensa inermission occur?
    Ya know thinkin isn't too easy on author of this type.
    Mite let em take a rest rite bout sundown.....
    Charlie D


    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 979
    (12/9/01 4:43:20 pm)
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    Charlie D, these miscreants are like vampire ding bats. Rowdy bunch of rooten tooten good for nothing drunks...that have to find some dark place in the day time to sleep off the effects of the famous elixer.

    GG



    shane
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    (12/10/01 8:54:59 pm)
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    ............But before the 218/val/Doc feller even got that cigar half smoked Ms.Beast saw that he was wearing her stockings and highheel boots so she took her 2x4 to him and worked his hide over good. She reclamed her boots and stockings as well as the stogie he was smokin...........................................Sitting back down at her table she thumbed her deck of cards looking for a game. TimberBeast, Shooter22, & shane all sat down and and were delt a hand...........................................That Val/doc feller was looking for some more stockings and Blackgun had gone over to the bath house for a hand scrubbing by the fiesty Red head that ran the place.............................................................................
    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 993
    (12/11/01 12:01:15 pm)
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    Meanwhile, that mean feller Jack Palance had finally finished warbling his number in monotious monotone. He looks over at the poker table where the woman and other men were playing old maid and other sissy parlor games.

    Palance grunts disgustedly, Hurrumph! As he sips his Bob's Best he sarcastically says: Hey Reb, how come you're playing them sissy card games. Real men play Stud Poker, how cum, Reb?

    Val/doc is steaming from his collar so much that his hair is hanging down in wet stringy dreadlocks, his ears are twitching like fans to cool off the overheated neck.

    Suh, ya'll talking to me, Tony...er...Jack? This game takes skill and expertise or else you winde up with the old scullery maid out back for a roll in the hay. She ain't too pretty cleaning spittoons all day. Think ya can handle that action, Jackson?

    Palance smirks, well, Reb. I can handle these two ivory handle six shooters, they got 12 buddits with yer name on them...Reb.

    Val/doc slams his cards down on the table spilling his drink in the process. He pushes his chair back in a loud scraping motion while reaching for his...

    Gunguy

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/11/01 7:17:15 pm

    AntiqueDr
    Senior Chief Moderator Staff
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    (12/11/01 7:50:49 pm)
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    nickel-plated 1877 .41 Thunderer, only to realize that he had pawned it earlier in the week for donut money. "Crap!" he yells, sounding a whole lot like Val Kilmer with his danglies in a vise.

    Palance smiles, casually draws one of the ivory-handled Peacemakers and slowly thumb-cocks it. "This is gonna be easy," he says, sounding like Jack Palance has always sounded in every movie he ever made.

    Suddenly the batwing doors come crashing in and a loud voice comes ringing through the darkened room. "What in the Wide Wide World of Sports is going on here!" exclaims AntiqueDr, sounding ever so much like Slim Pickens as the railroad foreman in Blazing Saddles....
    We Buy Guns! 1 - 100, Antique or Modern!
    www.apaxenterprises.com

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 997
    (12/11/01 9:34:17 pm)
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    Jack Palance purrs, "Hello AD, I was just getten ready to perforate the Reb's here hide, wanna watch?"

    Shane jumps up from the table, "Hold on there Mr. fancy pants gunman, you ain't gonna make a sieve out of Val/doc here."

    Palance says, "And who's gonna stop me, you Shane?"

    "Well, no...I also had to pawn my guns too, damn donuts are hard to keep any around here, and that damn bath house is keeping me broke."

    Palance says, "Yeah, I can see you working for that stinking sodbuster and you lusting after his old lady in the hay stack, that you'd need a lot of baths."

    Jack cocks his other ivory handled six shooter and takes deliberate aim at Val/doc and Shane...

    Gunguy

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/11/01 9:36:38 pm

    shane
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    (12/11/01 9:58:36 pm)
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    ...........shane shoves val/doc out of the way in a very heroic manner and puts himself directly in the line of fire. Shane then demanded that the fancy pants gunman lay down his sixshooter before he got hurt. Jack laughed at shane and said jus how you gonna hurt me boy!! Shane grinning from ear to ear told Jack to look behind him.............................Turning around Jack sees the redhead from the bath house with a fresh box of donuts and shane told him that if he didn't do as he was told he wouldn't get any of the donuts and neither would anyone else in the pump house.....................Blackgun and Warpig pleadly loudly and with much authority that jack do as shane told him. They could tell from across the room that the box held dozens of everyones favorite donuts....................................

    Edited by: shane at: 12/11/01 10:37:15 pm

    AGunguy
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    (12/11/01 11:11:07 pm)
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    Jack, gave Shane the big heehaw, "Well boy, say your prayers, I already had my donuts for today thank you."

    Shane hollers for the miscreant crowd that was mostly outside on the boardwalk..."Hey! Fresh donuts on the bar!"

    A thundering herd stampedes once again in a mad rush to belly up to the bar and donuts...poor Jack is just a greasey spot next to the brass rail and spittoon.

    Shane and Val/doc drop loose from hanging from the kerosene lantern chains to wooden floor below. Shane scoops up Jacks ivory handled six shooters and gives one of them to Val/doc. "Here, doc. Don't ever want to come into this joint unarmed. Doc says, "Why thank you, my little huckleberry."

    Antique dealer in his best Slim Pickens twang, "say you two galloots are slicker than owl dung on a hickory limb. Wanna come work for the railroad? We got a whole boxcar of beans...better bring a few pairs of long johns with open air trap door.


    Gunguy



    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/11/01 11:13:53 pm

    timberbeast
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    (12/12/01 1:25:23 am)
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    Palance is now doing one-armed pushups to regain his energy. MsBeast bursts in, and seeing Shane, asks "Where is the Beast??" Shane, puzzled, replies "Geez, Ma'am, he just sort of slipped out during the poker game. You okay?" Briefly, he pictures her as a redhead, then dismisses the thought.
    "Here.", he says, handing her the other Colt, "You need protection yourself." MsBeast laughs. "how soon you forget!", she says, and aims a feint at his head with her 2x4. Shane laughs.
    Warpig walks up, and speaks in a jolly voice, almost mockingly "Well, MsBeast, seems I saw the Timber feller walkin' over to the bathhouse with the 43 bucks he won offa Val/Doc.", sounding surprisingly like Warpig in his role as Warpig. Shane gives Warpig a withering glance and his right hand moves towards his vest pocket. Warpig smiles, and speaks "You're covered, Shane." Lee Marvin is on the balcony with an unconscious Pelican at his feet, holding a .50 caliber Hawken, undoubtedly purloined from TLynn, and aimed at Shane's head. He sounds surprisingly like Robert Redford in his role as Jeremiah Johnson, as he says "Hawk. Going for the Mussel Shell." Extremely confused glances are exchanged.
    Very quietly, from the corner of the saloon, comes Val/Doc's voice "You ain't no daisy at all.", looking directly at Lee Marvin. Lee Marvin, looking not-so-surprisingly like Lee Marvin, glances at Val/Doc, and Shane takes his opportunity and points the Colt at Lee, while MsBeast tosses the cedar 2x4 at Warpig. Two shots ring out, one hits a double-dip creme filled long john, the contents of which, surprisingly, end up in a spittoon at Black Gun's feet, and the other hits......

    shooter22
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    (12/12/01 2:59:09 am)
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    shooter22 squarely upside his still dizzy, near toothless head. Where upon he shouts with half his teeth missing! "whath, the theck yam I, an damda nab pasthry tharget? Everybody sthop sthpinnin" "If I efer geth a gun, I'll sthow yaw'll some sthootin" "Damn, thath lispth" Pleaseth thsomebody knock out the resth of my teeth. I can'th keepth typing like thhis."

    shooter22


    Edited by: shooter22 at: 12/12/01 3:00:04 am

    warpig883
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    (12/12/01 6:07:40 am)
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    The dentist steps in and givees Shooter22 the once over and with a lot of grinding cutting and hammering proclaims Shooter22's new JB Weld teeth to be better than new. Shooter steps right up to the bar and bites a shot glass to test them out when Zelda bites his shin and does not let go. Shooter is squalling like someone with a midgit on their shin whick distracts Lee Marvin and he drops his flintlock Hawken from the balcony and knocks the dentist out cold. The poor hairpiece flies off the dentist's head and the crown gasps.........
    Know what?

    Different name
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    (12/12/01 4:22:22 pm)
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    Don't rule out working without yer wig! Wher are ya Warpig?
    This situation calls fer your usin yer head on the spur of theis moment seldom happenin rite hear ina frunt of usall!Gunguy watchin as close as glue in a bottle says, "Hope he shows up within his pinstriped outfit with tha buzzard feather in his hats brim".
    Thereupon Piggy presents himself....leaning aroun frum behind the bar, guns drawn, saying "I'm not fixin to let ya go to a special place,(jus gonna wound ya), I want ta make sure yer life as a micreant is special here at tha Pump House!...
    With guns blazing from he fired and..........
    Charlie D

    AGunguy
    Moderator
    Posts: 1000
    (12/12/01 6:16:34 pm)
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    HEY! What in the wide world of sports is going on here??? Gunguy just stepped out of the outhouse crapper and he can't figure out all the above mumbo jumbo who's shooten at who. Is pig drawing a bead on Shane? Is it all over donuts? And I thought Lee Marvin was already gone. And how did Jack Palance come back together after having his carcus stomped into a greasey spot...even Zelda the mini the moocher reappeared after being consumed by the donut rush from all the hungry miscreants?

    So, what's the score sports fans, where did we leave off drawing a bead on who? Tune in tomarrow as we hope to find all the answers to these perplexing questions...from the contributors who write these drunken escapades...maybe by then they will all be sober.

    And are there any cake donuts left?

    GG

    Edited by: AGunguy at: 12/13/01 4:07:11 pm

    shane
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    (12/15/01 12:09:28 am)
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    As Christmas got closer and you could feel the air getting colder the gang at the pump house started getting into the Christmas spirit. Blackgun hung some of his old socks over the wood stove, Gunguy strung up some lights, and Bob was mixing up some of his best eggnog. The dworf hoochie mamas dressed up as elves and TallTlynn hung the"missle toe". Others were coming in every few minutes to share their Christmas cheer...............................................

    218Bee
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    (1/20/02 3:02:41 am)
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    Val/Doc sees TLynn hangin` the "missle toe" ,and staggers gracefully across the room,as only Val/Doc can gracefully stagger across a room,staggering surprizingly like Val Kilmer,in his role as Doc Holiday.

    "Well now"he says, as he suddenly wraps his arms around her waist "I`ll be yo huuckkllbeeeerrry"..Looks like we`s unduh de ol` missle toe,sweetie pie...now what do yuh say about that there?".......



    Edited by: 218Bee at: 1/20/02 3:08:12 am


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