Disorder in Court

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by dcd_enterprises, Sep 14, 2008.

  1. dcd_enterprises

    dcd_enterprises New Member

    Joined:
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    >
    > These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    >
    > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    > _____________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    > _____________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    > WITNESS: Yes.
    > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    > WITNESS: I forget.
    > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    > _____________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    > WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    > WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    > ____________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    > WITNESS: We both do.
    > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    > WITNESS: We do.
    > ATTORNEY: You do?
    > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    > ____________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    > ____________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
    > ___________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    > WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
    > __________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    > WITNESS: Yes.
    > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    > WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
    > __________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    > WITNESS: Yes.
    > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    > WITNESS: None.
    > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    > WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    > __________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    > WITNESS: By death.
    > ATTOR NEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    > WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
    > __________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    > WITNESS: Guess.
    > __________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    > __________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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    > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    > WITNESS: Oral.
    > _________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    > __________________________________________
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    > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    > WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
    > __________________________________________
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    > And the best for last:
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    > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    > WITNESS: No.
    > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    > WITNESS: No.
    > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    > WITNESS: No.
    > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    > WITNESS: No.
    > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    > ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
    >
  2. Marlin

    Marlin *TFF Admin Staff Chief Counselor*

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    I wish I'd written down all the statements like these I heard in court over my thirty-five years of being in the courtroom daily..... There were some doozies !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  3. Nighthawk

    Nighthawk New Member

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  4. Crpdeth

    Crpdeth Active Member

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    ROTF!

    These are the best I have heard thus far!

    Thanks for the laugh. :D


    Crpdeth
  5. user

    user Active Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Northern piedmont of Va. and Middle of Nowhere, We
    Granted, it's funny - but some of those questions were necessary. What people don't realize is that the procedure to be followed requires lawyers to ask questions for which the answer may seem obvious. It's necessary to ask, though, in order for the "obvious" to become "evidence".

    Civil procedure and criminal procedure are like Algebra. The best we can do to ensure that justice be done is to follow the procedure. If we follow the procedure, we know the results are "correct". When people play fast and loose with procedure, the results don't mean anything and we end up hurting people purely for emotional gratification.

    So some of those quips, while amusing in hindsight, simply represent the attempts by smartmouthed witnesses to avoid helping what they see as the opposition.
  6. artabr

    artabr New Member

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    New Iberia, Louisiana
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