For Marlin

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by Gunfyter, Feb 24, 2006.

  1. Gunfyter

    Gunfyter New Member

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    Western Maryland
    Ok Judge, these are for you. Enjoy.

    These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are
    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    *******************************


    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS: July 18th.

    ATTORNEY: What year?

    WITNESS: Every year.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
    forgot?
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
    morning?

    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Duh.............
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
    dead people?

    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
    go
    to?

    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
    doing
    an autopsy on him!
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Huh?
    ______________________________________

    And the best for last...


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
    for
    a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law.

    :D :D :D
  2. Marlin

    Marlin *TFF Admin Staff Chief Counselor*

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    Thanks for the reminder, GF. BTW, that's only the tip of the iceberg.

    I wish I had a list of all the idiotic things I heard over the years. Never thought about it at the time, trying to be sure that the facts were judged fairly and pursuant to the law.
  3. SouthernMoss

    SouthernMoss *Admin Tech Staff*

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  4. Which, the last time I checked, is exactly what a judge is in the courtroom to do, not the pursuit of his/her own, often hidden, agenda. Perhaps the greatest perversion of our justice stystem in recent years has been the appointment of judges who do not seem to understand that simple but vital distinction. I cannot help but be reminded of the words in Hosea 8:7, "For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind."
  5. wolfgang2000

    wolfgang2000 New Member

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    Mountain Grove MO.
  6. inplanotx

    inplanotx New Member

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    MAHVELUS! Seems like you still want a piece of Marlin! [Not Grinning] If I'm wrong, I apologize. However, a joke thread is not the place to get rightous!!!!!!!!!!! [STILL NOT GRINNING]
  7. SouthernMoss

    SouthernMoss *Admin Tech Staff*

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    Whoa there, big fella! I think Schutze was commending Marlin on his attempts to "judge fairly and pursuant to the law." He is saying that Marlin was performing his jurist duties exactly as they should have been performed, as opposed to how some of today's jurists are performing.
  8. inplanotx

    inplanotx New Member

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    Like I said, may be I'm wrong......................which usually happens. [grin]
  9. Marlin

    Marlin *TFF Admin Staff Chief Counselor*

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    I took it as a complement!
  10. armedandsafe

    armedandsafe Guest

    DANG! You guys beat me to it. Is it alright to gang up on IPT? :D :p

    Pops
  11. Inplano, please reread the post CAREFULLY. I was agreeing with Marlin, and also complimenting him on his attitude toward the law while he was on the bench. My point simply being that all too many judges today do not adhere to the basic doctrines of law and fairness and instead pursue personal political agendas through the power of the bench. That is wrong, and I think Marlin would agree that it is. We, as citizens of this country, are paying the price of that folly. Now, having said that, I think your comment is badly misplaced and unfair, not only to me, but to Marlin as well. Quite candidly, I resent your artless implication, Sir.
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