What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer. Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions? What do you get when you squeeze an olive? Oliver Twist! Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens! Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car. When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor. What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? Curt and Rod (curtain rod) What goes 99-thump, 99-thump? A centipede with a wooden leg. Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within tent. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear) What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea. What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise. What's black white black white black white black white black white...a penguin rolling down the stairs. Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors? So he could hide in the M&M dish without being seen! Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Because he saw his phone bill. Two vomits were walking down the street when one started to cry. The other said, "What's wrong?" The first replied, "This is where I was brought up!" Why were all the ink spots crying? Their father was in the pen. What did the dog say to the tree? bark. Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? To find Pooh What's the difference between a guy falling from the 1st floor and one falling from the 17th floor , the guy falling from the first goes, ' splat , Aaaaaaaargh " and the one from the 17th goes, " Aaaaaaargh , splat ". What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? A bad hare day. Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away there lived a woman who was just too busy! She decided to make a clone of herself so she could get twice as much work done. Well, the clone helped her a lot, but it also gave her a bad reputation because the clone constantly swore. One day, the woman couldn't take her clone's foul mouth anymore, so she took it to the top of a building and pushed it off. Soon after, the woman was arrested for making an obscene clone fall. Why did the booger cross the road, because he was being picked on What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin? What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty. What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy 'O Furniture. Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies. How to you organize a spacey party? You planet. How do you start a book about ducks?...With an introduction. How do you catch a rabbit? Hide behind a tree and make carrott noises. What do you get when you cross 100 pigs with 100 deer? 200 sows and bucks!!! Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas! What did one frog say to the other? Time's sure fun when you're having flies! Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies! What do you call an Italian feline trying on clothes? Catalina dressing. If a athlete get's athlete's foot what does an astronaut get? Mistle Toe. Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Look's like rain, dear" What did the digital watch say to his mom? "Look mom no hands." How does the gingerbread man make his bed? With cookie sheets.