George Carlin Strikes Again

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by warpig, Mar 18, 2003.

  1. warpig

    warpig Guest

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    (2/27/03 10:10:48 am)
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    George Carlin Strikes Again
    Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

    Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"; and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

    If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

    There are three religious truths:
    1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
    3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

    If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

    If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

    Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts"; and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

    When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

    If a person who plays the piano is called a pianist, why isn't a person who drives a racecar called a racist?

    Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

    Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

    Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

    "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that” I do"; is the longest sentence?

    If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

    If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

    Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

    What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're probably cramming for their final exam.

    I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered...what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

    Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

    No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

    Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

    Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

    If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

    Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

    If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 52
    (2/27/03 3:24:31 pm)
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    by George Carlin

    I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
    I am George Carlin.

    I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

    I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

    I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

    I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

    I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

    I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

    I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

    I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

    My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

    I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

    I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

    I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

    I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.

    I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

    I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.

    I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

    I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

    I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.

    I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

    And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

    If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 237
    (2/28/03 2:07:18 am)
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    I like George.

    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 196
    (2/28/03 2:26:59 pm)
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    Re: George Carlin Strikes Again
    If you think it takes a village to raise a child, think about the term "village idiot."

    Armed and Safe - not just a theory
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