GOOD COLLECTION OF BLOND JOKES...

Discussion in 'VMBB General Discussion' started by rooter, Jan 19, 2007.

  1. rooter

    rooter *VMBB Senior Chief Of Staff*

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2001
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    10,645
    Location:
    Marty Robbins old hometown, Glendale Arizona--a su
    BLONDE LOGIC


    Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

    The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"


    CAR TROUBLE


    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

    She says, "What's the story?"


    He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"


    She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


    SPEEDING TICKET


    A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

    She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

    RIVER WALK

    There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

    The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

    AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE


    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

    "Impossible! " says the doctor. "Show me."

    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

    The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?


    "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."


    "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


    KNITTING


    A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

    "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

    BLONDE ON THE SUN


    A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

    The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"


    T he Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"


    The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

    "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

    To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

    IN A VACUUM


    A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

    She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


    FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!


    A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

    Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

    "HELLLOOOOOOO," answered the blond, "They're watch dogs!"




    Ice Fishing Blonde

    A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.


    For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment
    had its own special place in her kit.


    When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"


    Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"


    Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"

    Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"

    The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
    THE BLONDE AND THE POLICE OFFICER

    A beautiful blonde was driving a sports car when she was pulled over by a blonde police officer. The blonde police officer went up to the sports car and asked for the driver's license of the blonde in the sports car.

    The blonde driver asked, "What does it look like?"

    The blonde police officer said it was square and had a picture on it.

    The blonde driver began to search in her purse for her license. Finally, she said, "Oh, here it is!" She pulled out a compact and opened it. She handed the blond police officer the compact.

    The officer looked at it and replied, "Well, I am going to let you go. I didn't realize you were a police officer."



    BLONDE SHOPPING – STORE POLICY


    A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

    "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

    "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.


    Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."



    Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.



    A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

    "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

    "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

    "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

    "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

    "So then?" asked the doctor.

    "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

    "So then?"

    "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a really loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."





    Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.



    A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

    The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

    Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

    The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

    The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."



    A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed blonde had tears streaming down her face.

    "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

    "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

    Homer, a handsome guy, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

    The blonde looks at Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?"

    Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump"


    The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."


    Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"


    Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy does a swan dive off
    of the building, falling to his death.


    The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."


    Homer replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

    The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."!!
  2. Marlin

    Marlin *TFF Admin Staff Chief Counselor*

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    At SouthernMoss' side forever!
    Those are all worth a good chuckle.

    Thanks, Chief. :D :D :D
  3. Nighthawk

    Nighthawk New Member

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    South Central Texas
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