Discussion in 'The Beau Coupe Dien Cai Dau Hootch' started by rooter, Sep 19, 2008.

  1. rooter

    rooter *VMBB Senior Chief Of Staff* Supporting Member

    Jan 31, 2001
    Glendale Arizona
    God's thoughts on lawns

    Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.
    What in the world is going on down there on
    the planet? What happened to the dandelions,
    violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?
    I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.
    Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand
    drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar
    from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies,
    honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to
    see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see
    are these green rectangles.

    St. FRANCIS:
    It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.
    The Suburbanites. They started calling your
    flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to
    kill them and replace them with grass.

    Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful.
    It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees;
    only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to
    temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really
    want all that grass growing there?

    Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains
    to grow it and keep it green. They begin each
    spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any
    other plant that crops up in the lawn.

    The spring rains and warm weather probably
    make grass grow really fast. That must make
    the Suburbanites happy.

    Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows
    a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

    They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

    Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up
    and put it in bags.

    They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop?
    Do they sell it?

    No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to
    throw it away.

    Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize
    grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow,
    they cut it off and pay to throw it away?


    Yes, Sir.

    These Suburbanites must be relieved in the
    summer when we cut back on the rain and
    turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth
    and saves them a lot of work.


    You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the
    grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses
    and pay more money to water it so they can
    continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

    What nonsense. At least they kept some of the
    trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do
    say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring
    to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
    In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form
    a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
    protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle
    of life.

    You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites
    have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves
    fall, they rake them into great piles and pay
    to have them hauled away.


    No. What do they do to protect the shrub and
    tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist
    and loose?

    After throwing away the leaves, they go out
    and buy something which they call mulch.
    They haul it home and spread it around in
    place of the leaves.

    And where do they get this mulch?

    They cut down trees and grind them up to
    make the mulch.

    Enough! I don't want to think about this
    anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge
    of the arts. What movie have you scheduled
    for us tonight?

    'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

    Never mind, I think I just heard the whole
    story from St. Francis.
  2. berto64

    berto64 Active Member

    Geeeze Rooter,

    When I saw the title to this thread I thought maybe you wuz growing Marijuana in your back yard or something.

    Good post.

  3. Might make a good lawn, Berto, and a profitable one too . . . until the cops show up. :D Rumor has it they grow a lot of that stuff up there in Idaho. ;):p
  4. berto64

    berto64 Active Member

    They say they do up in the higher climates. Hunters find farms up there quite often but not so many down here in the SW desert.
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