Grits, a discourse . . .

Discussion in 'Ruffit's Domestic & Wild Game Cooking/ Recipe Foru' started by mrkirker, Feb 5, 2009.

  1. mrkirker

    mrkirker New Member

    Jul 13, 2007
    What Are Grits?
    Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn.

    These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.

    How Grits are Formed
    Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).

    Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

    Historical Grits
    As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima, to her friends.)

    The 10 Commandments of Grits
    I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
    II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
    III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy .
    IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
    V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
    VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
    VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
    VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
    IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
    X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath - for this is manna from heaven.

    How to Cook Grits
    For one serving of Grits:
    Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter.
    Add 5 TBsp of Grits.
    Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
    When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.
    How to make red eye gravy
    Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.

    How to Eat Grits
    Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.) In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they caused cancer, rotten teeth and impotence. Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)

    Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
    The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)
    Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.

    Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
    (Leftover grits are extremely rare)
    Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
    Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
    The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
    Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.
    Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.

    May the lord bless these grits,
    May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
    May I eat grits every day while living,
    And may I die while eating grits.
  2. artabr

    artabr New Member

    :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

    A Homily to hominy. ;) :D

    Great one Mr.K!!!

    Last edited: Feb 5, 2009

  3. Deathbunny

    Deathbunny Former Guest

    Aug 25, 2008
    Great post!!


    I live in open defiance of Commandment 1 -- syrup on grits is GOOD! (And before anyone flames me, I learned to eat 'em that way in Georgia! While dating a genuine Georgia peach! ;) )

    :D :D
  4. mrkirker

    mrkirker New Member

    Jul 13, 2007
    Alas, I confess that I have defiled more than one plate of grits with syrup, Maple; no less! I am weak!
  5. Popgunner

    Popgunner Active Member

    Dec 3, 2005
    I think I'm right with the program here. I have one question though. With my perfectly cooked grits (that I learned to make from my mother who lived at Tupelo, Miss) I do add a chunk of butter & I have biscuits & gravy with regular sausage gravy. Then, I am in the habbit of grinding black pepper on top of the grits & dusting with salt. I make this food in the state of Utah. I do of course sing "I wish I was in Dixie" while I eat. Is this wrong?
  6. gdmoody

    gdmoody Moderator Supporting Member

    Sep 7, 2007
    Athens, Georgia
    I must confess that I have broken number VI, for in a pinch, instant grits are better than NO grits.
  7. mrkirker

    mrkirker New Member

    Jul 13, 2007
    The heartfelt singing of Dixie serves as an absolution for almost any sin known to man (or woman!).
  8. Shellback

    Shellback New Member

    Jul 10, 2008
    Broken Arrow Ok
    I love gits with Butter and sugar and a tad of milk and it;s not cream of wheat.
    I am a sinner so I pray muti times a day
  9. 45nut

    45nut Well-Known Member

    Jul 19, 2006
    Dallas, TX
    I eat my grits with a spoon with REAL butter, salt & pepper and what I call red-eye gravy, which in reality is just the ham drippings. In a pinch I will put in some bacon drippings instead of ham.

    And to echo gdmoody, instant grits are better than no grits at all Sir. :D

    Great thread mrkirker!
  10. Marlin

    Marlin *TFF Admin Staff Chief Counselor*

    I must confess that lots of real butter along with salt and pepper are a must for me. :)

    They go so well with a plate full of old fashioned Virginia ham slices, thick sliced hickory flavoured bacon and some thick pork link sausages.
  11. mrkirker

    mrkirker New Member

    Jul 13, 2007
    Ya'll have talked me into it.
    I'm heading to the Golden Girls Diner in "Bee-you-te-full" Norris, Tennessee. (Breakfast served ANYTIME) for dinner this evening!
  12. Just to clarify, the true chemical name and formula for grits is poly vinyl acetate, or is CH2=CH-O-COCH3 . . . which also happens to be the name and formula for Elmer's Glue All. :D;):p
  13. artabr

    artabr New Member

    Blasphemy!!! :p :D

    Last edited: Feb 5, 2009
  14. carver

    carver Moderator Supporting Member

    When I eat grits, I want eggs on that plate too!
  15. Ya I agree with this one. Gotta have runny yolks and mix them in with the grits after you break up the eggs.