How to "Poop" at work, a brief discourse:

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by mrkirker, May 13, 2009.

  1. mrkirker

    mrkirker New Member

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    How to Poop at Work:

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it...We've all kicked
    back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
    As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is
    universal. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
    Survival Guide for taking a dump at work:

    *CROP DUSTING*
    When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
    the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but
    doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not
    stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
    make sure the smell has left your pants.


    *FLY BY*
    The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
    for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
    back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may
    become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
    bathroom.



    *ESCAPEE *
    A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a
    stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
    if you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
    happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the
    urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
    uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
    parties feel uneasy.



    *JAILBREAK *
    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
    This is usually a side effect of diarrhea o r a hangover. If this
    should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
    left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
    occurred.



    *COURTESY FLUSH*
    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
    This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
    bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF
    SHAME*.



    *WALK OF SHAME*
    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
    stunk up the bath room.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
    someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
    that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
    * COURTESY FLUSH*.



    *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER*
    A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will
    often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
    newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
    for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.



    *SAFE HAVENS*
    A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
    expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
    sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
    bathroom.



    *TURD BURGLAR*
    Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
    force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
    moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
    remain in the stall until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will
    avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



    * CAMO-COUGH*
    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
    are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a * WATERMELON*, or to
    alert potential *TURD BURGLAR *. Very effective when used in
    conjunction with a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.



    *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*
    A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential * TURD
    BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
    that the stall is occupied. If you hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the
    bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.



    *WATERMELON*
    A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
    is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
    create a diversion. See *CAMO-COUGH* .



    SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:


    *The King Poop* =
    This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until
    you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

    * Bali Belly Poop* =
    You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

    * Cement Block* =
    You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

    *Cork Poop* =
    Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get
    rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

    *The Bungee Poop* =
    The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

    *The Crippler* =
    The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your
    legs go numb from the waist down.

    *The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* =
    The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.


    *The Party Pooper* =
    The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise...

    NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO 'POOP' IN PEACE



    > QUIT LAUGHING... 'POOPING' IS A NATURAL PROCESS
  2. pinecone70

    pinecone70 Active Member

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    Oh mr.k, no..................
  3. artabr

    artabr New Member

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    I think the SHIRLEY TEMPLE is now known as the SENATOR IN A STALL or the LIGHT IN THE LOAFERS TAP DANCE, and has taken on a completely different meaning. :rolleyes: :D



    Art
    Last edited: May 13, 2009
  4. whitemach

    whitemach New Member

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    how about the ghost poopy,,the kind when you turn around to look theres nothing in the potty,,,,you felt it come out but theres nothing there:D:D
  5. woolleyworm

    woolleyworm Active Member

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    .02 I've always believed that if I gotta go, I may as well be getting paid for it ! Beats having to listen to the domestic supervisor who always finds a way to walk in just after I leave...... like hers doesn't smell either :D
  6. Angryisme

    Angryisme New Member

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    they didn't discuss the upper decker....
  7. woolleyworm

    woolleyworm Active Member

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    Do I dare ask??? ( I guess I do )
  8. Angryisme

    Angryisme New Member

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    ok. ok. I'll tell ya.
    But, I only ever heard ....well over-heard, some younger guys at work telling of this.

    Apparently, you dump in the tank!
    they were talking about taking the tank lid off and dumpin in the tank.
    Needless to say, I'd never have these guys at my home!!

    They talked about some other nasty stuffs too but luckily I got called away...
  9. Angryisme

    Angryisme New Member

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    try it on your liberal friends ;)
  10. bcj1755

    bcj1755 New Member

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    Now why is everyone talking about making Obama gold???:eek::p:D


    I think from now on I'll call it "Taking a Barry."


    Barry is the only man I know that can poop out of his mouth. Why do I say that? Well, because everytime he opens his mouth, poop comes out:p


    They need to ban Ex-Lax in Washington DC. Maybe then Barry will shut up:D


    I can turn anything into a dig at Barry. It's a gift:p;):D
  11. bcj1755

    bcj1755 New Member

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    when I wa sin Jr High, a friend gave me a copy of "The Poopie List." I still have it somewhere. I'll see if I can dig it out;)
  12. hkruss

    hkruss Active Member

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    You forgot the "water moccasin".

    An unbroken poop that is so long, it curls around the bowl looking like a snake all curled up!!!
  13. JUNKKING

    JUNKKING Active Member

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    Never ever I mean never ever give a courtesy flush! this happend to me at work once and will never happen again. I did the what I thought was the right thing the courtesy flush and the darn toilet overflowed! Yes, Right into my pants. I will never give anyone the satisfaction of a courtesy flush again. I will now let them know why it's called a shithouse!
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