HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A FLEET SAILOR..

Discussion in 'The Beau Coupe Dien Cai Dau Hootch' started by rooter, May 3, 2010.

  1. rooter

    rooter *VMBB Senior Chief Of Staff*

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2001
    Messages:
    10,984
    Location:
    Marty Robbins old hometown, Glendale Arizona--a su
    Thirty nine reasons why I joined to become a Seabee rather than ride a ship..


    1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six
    months.

    1a. Submarines -- Black outside; Pea Green inside.

    2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

    3. Repaint your entire house every month.

    4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the
    bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers,
    make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

    5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

    6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the
    wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

    7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and assemble them.

    8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
    doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
    through them.

    9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

    10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
    temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the
    water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use
    too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.

    11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn
    over without getting out and then getting back in.

    12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
    curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you
    go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong
    rack."

    13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
    dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6
    months.

    14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so
    loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all
    hands heave out and trice up."

    15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
    following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600
    while she reads it to you.

    16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to
    leave your house before 1500.

    17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
    three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers,
    man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore an aft, empty all
    **** cans and butt kits!"

    18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
    magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.

    19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
    Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
    one--the same one every night.

    20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone
    shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your
    battle stations!

    21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the
    pantry or refrigerator.

    22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
    having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When
    they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but
    they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the
    menu and just ask for hot dogs.

    23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes
    unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

    24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
    jelly sandwich on stale bread.

    25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the
    alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your
    top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the
    back yard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire.

    26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man
    overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they
    respond.

    27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug
    them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front
    of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready."
    After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up
    the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.

    28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m.
    "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!"
    Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft
    carrier sailors.)

    29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your
    family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"

    30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
    in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. Best done when the weather
    is worst. January is a good time.

    31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest
    horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it
    and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.

    32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room,
    and run it all day long.

    33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
    per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

    34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
    shears.

    35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.

    36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.

    37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

    38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
    scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and
    drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

    39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
    that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for
    liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney
    World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an
    inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
  2. rooter

    rooter *VMBB Senior Chief Of Staff*

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2001
    Messages:
    10,984
    Location:
    Marty Robbins old hometown, Glendale Arizona--a su
  3. Ol' Sailor

    Ol' Sailor New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2010
    Messages:
    29
    Location:
    Ohio, USA
    Awww, the memories. Thanks Chief! Kinda brings a tear to my eye.:rolleyes:
  4. navis128

    navis128 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2009
    Messages:
    1,392
    Location:
    Texas
    4.0, Chief :D
  5. Old Grump

    Old Grump New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2010
    Messages:
    2,320
    Location:
    Little hut in the woods near Blue River Wisconsin
    No water hours or salt water bug juice, you guys make it sound easy.
  6. navis128

    navis128 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 15, 2009
    Messages:
    1,392
    Location:
    Texas
    Easy :confused:

    This is Navy...not Air Force :D

    Kool Aid - best clog dissipater ever!
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2010
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