Hurricane Preparedness

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by Bruce FLinch, Jun 21, 2006.

  1. Bruce FLinch

    Bruce FLinch New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    5,015
    Location:
    Bay Point, Kali..aka Gun Point
    To: ex-Floridians, present Floridians, and future Floridians or those who know a Floridian.

    We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:


    (1) There is no need to panic.
    (2) We could all be killed.

    Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

    STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
    STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
    STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

    Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

    We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

    HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

    (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
    (2) It is located in Nebraska.

    Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
    prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

    Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan
    Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

    SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

    Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

    Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

    Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

    "Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

    Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

    EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

    HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

    23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

    Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)

    A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

    A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

    A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

    $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

    Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

    Good luck and remember: It's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really!
  2. southernshooter

    southernshooter New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    5,955
    Location:
    Deep South Mississippi
    This list is pretty much the same over here but make sure you stock up on ammo:) , and get your looter huntin permit:)
  3. wolfgang2000

    wolfgang2000 New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2005
    Messages:
    542
    Location:
    Mountain Grove MO.
    And People wanted to know why I moved from Louisiana to Missouri. :rolleyes: Since I moved they now have Blanco and Nagen. Whom took all the guns away from the lawbidding citizens to make the city safe. Now they have to call out the National Guard to protect these unarmed citizens from the ARMED criminals that the didn't take the guns from! :cool:

    I LOVE MISSOURI!!!! :D
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2006
  4. inplanotx

    inplanotx New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2002
    Messages:
    8,889
    Location:
    Texas
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