Discussion in 'VMBB General Discussion' started by rooter, Jun 6, 2005.

  1. rooter

    rooter *VMBB Senior Chief Of Staff* Supporting Member

    Jan 31, 2001
    Glendale Arizona
    The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)

    Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO) ...

    01. Infantry (Army): Snake smells them, leaves area.

    02. Airborne (Army): Lands on and kills the snake.

    03. Armor (Army): Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

    04. Aviation (Army): Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC
    gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew
    rest and manicure.

    05. Ranger (Army): Plays with snake, then eats it.

    06. Field Artillery (Army): Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
    with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
    civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success
    and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver

    07. Special Forces (Army): Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
    Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building
    rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other
    snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.

    08. Combat Engineer (Army): Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal
    thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
    counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how
    to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

    09. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support
    in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety.
    Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.

    10. Navy (Surface): Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of
    ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee
    on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force

    11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
    civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

    12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

    13. Combat Controllers (USAF & Joint Command): Guides snake elsewhere.

    14. Para-Rescue Jumper (USAF): Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
    feverishly to save snake's life.

    15. Supply (All Services): (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is back

    16. Transport pilot (USAF): Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid
    squares away on roof of children's hospital.

    17. F-15 pilot (USAF): Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter
    and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft

    18. F-16 pilot (USN Aviation): Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs,
    misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather.
    Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with
    Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests procurement of
    million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.

    19. AH-64 Apache pilot (Army & Marines): Unable to locate snake,
    cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in
    desert Aos without power lines or SAMs.

    20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot (Army & Marines):: Finds snake on fourth pass
    after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone.
    Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

    21. B-52 pilot (USAF): Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and
    every other living thing within two miles of target.

    22. Missile crew (USAF): Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds,
    but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use

    23. Intelligence officer (Army): Snake? What snake? Only four of 35
    indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential
    for snake activity as LOW.

    24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of
    professional courtesy.

    25. Navy Construction Battalions converge on scene and set up museum for
    all local harmless snakes.
  2. Marlin

    Marlin *TFF Admin Staff Chief Counselor*

    #24 - I resemble dat ree - -marc!!!!

  3. rooter

    rooter *VMBB Senior Chief Of Staff* Supporting Member

    Jan 31, 2001
    Glendale Arizona
  4. Marlin

    Marlin *TFF Admin Staff Chief Counselor*

    That's purdy pi$$-poor, too, Chief!!
  5. Xracer

    Xracer *TFF Admin Staff Mediator*

    #18 - Navy doesn't fly F-16s. Better make that an F/A 18.

    And better add:

    26. Makes post about snake on TFF and gets criticized on accuracy. :D
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