Jokes III

Discussion in 'The Beau Coupe Dien Cai Dau Hootch' started by Guest, Mar 1, 2003.

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    Rons Toys
    Member
    Posts: 33
    (5/9/01 10:04:17 am)
    | Del All Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
    Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After
    countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these
    facts have emerged:

    Relationships:
    First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship --
    he refers to it as "the time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
    semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
    pour her heart out to her girlfriends and she will write a poem titled
    "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
    A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
    break-up, at 3:30 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
    just wanted to let you know you ruined my life and I'll never forgive
    you and I hate you and you're a total whore. But I want you to know
    there's always a chance for us." This is known as the 'I Hate You/I
    Love You - Drunken Phone Call. 99% of all men have place at least one
    such call. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men
    get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

    Sex:
    Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45
    seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of
    the foreplay.

    Maturity:
    Women mature much faster then men. Most 17-year-old females can
    function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
    cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
    school romances rarely work.

    Hats:
    Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

    Comedy:
    Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
    television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.
    Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
    uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
    favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it
    out.

    Handwriting:
    To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
    chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
    their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use rediculously large loops
    in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a
    woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end
    of the note.

    Bathrooms:
    A man has at most 6 items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,
    toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towell from
    the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's
    bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these
    items.

    Magazines:
    Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's
    magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the
    female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and
    lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

    Groceries:
    A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
    and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his
    fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes
    grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a
    man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
    Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop
    him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. [of course! ]

    Cats:
    Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
    looking, men kick cats.

    Jewelry:
    Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
    wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will look
    like a lounge singer named Vic.

    Menopause:
    When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
    complicated emotional and psychological, and biological changes. The
    nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
    Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys avaitor glasses,
    a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a
    Porsche.

    The Telephone:
    Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the
    telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her
    girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will cal the same
    friend and they will talk for three hours.

    Low Blows:
    Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on television.
    One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee.
    That must hurt." The manb doubles over and actually feels pain.

    Admitting Mistakes:
    Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who
    admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

    Richard Gere (see also -- Patrick Swayze):
    Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men
    hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at
    the health club and dates only married women.

    Offspring:
    A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
    appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
    foods and secretdreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people
    living in the house.

    Dressing up:
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
    garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. A man will
    dress up for the following: weddings, funerals.

    Nudity in Movies:
    Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
    This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
    by a 'man'. The only actor who has appeared nude in the movies is
    Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

    David Letterman:
    Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on Earth. Women think
    he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

    Politics:
    Men love to talk politics, but often forget to do political things
    such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of
    Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics because they will be
    able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

    Locker Rooms:
    In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football,
    and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly
    as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
    Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in
    abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and
    THEY NEVER LIE!

    Laundry:
    Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
    article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
    about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is
    finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside-out, rent
    a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always
    expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

    Toys:
    Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age
    of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
    with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
    and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniture TV's, car
    phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small
    robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that
    blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

    Plants:
    A woman asks a man to water the plants while she is on vacation.
    The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later to an
    apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

    Nicknames:
    With the exception of female bodybuilders who call each other names
    like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
    If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they
    will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if
    Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately
    refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.

    Mustaches:
    Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and
    Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.



    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 168
    (5/9/01 11:25:25 am)
    | Del Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey..Wait a darn minute. I think some of those must have been written by a woman. I want to lodge a protest right now.
    LOL




    PARROTS

    A lady approached a priest and told him, "Father, I have a problem. I
    have
    these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
    They only know how to say, 'Hi, We're prostitutes. Do you want to have
    some fun?'"
    "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your
    problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will
    put them with my two male talking parrots, whom I taught to pray and read
    the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible
    phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
    "Thank you!" the woman responded.
    So, the next day, the lady brought her female parrots to the priest's
    house.

    The priest's two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in
    their
    cage.
    The lady put her female parrots in with the male parrots.
    The female parrots said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
    fun?"
    One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put
    the
    beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"


    Indybear57
    Moderator
    Posts: 272
    (5/9/01 2:22:02 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A young man had to put his father into a nursing home. Dad was still pretty sharp mentally, and while not real happy about having to go, understood the situation.
    A week or so later the son stops in for a visit and asks Dad how he's getting along. "Just fine." says Dad.
    "How is the food?"
    "It's all right. Nothing fancy, but it's well prepared and plenty of it."
    "How are the nurses treating you?"
    "Just great. They're attentive and quite friendly. As a matter of fact, every night before I go to sleep, one of them will bring in a glass of warm milk and my Viagra tablet."
    Well, the son is a little disturbed by the fact that they are giving his father Viagra every night so he chats for a while longer and then leaves. On his way down the hall he stops at the nurses station and says, "My Dad tells me that every night you give him a glass of warm milk and a Viagra. The milk I don't have a problem with, but what's the deal with the Viagra?" "It's standard procedure" the nurse replies, "and the combination works quite well. You see, the warm milk helps them go to sleep and the Viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed."

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 836
    (5/9/01 7:16:28 pm)
    | Del Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Go ahead...protest...we're not listening!

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 843
    (5/10/01 6:08:38 am)
    | Del How man and dogs are the same.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Both take up to much space on the bed.

    Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

    Both are threatened by their own kind.

    Both mark their own territory.

    Both are bad about asking you questions.

    Neither tell you what's bothering them.

    The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

    Neither does any dishes.

    Both pass gas shamelessly.

    Neither of them notice when you get your haircut.

    Both are suspicious of the postman.

    Neither knows how to talk on the phone.



    Rons Toys
    Member
    Posts: 34
    (5/10/01 7:28:47 am)
    | Del little red riding hood - PC version
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    Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who
    lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare
    plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone
    took the time to study them.

    Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes
    referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this
    term that she would have thought less of the person if a close
    biological link did not in fact exist.

    Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional
    households, although she was sorry if this was the impression
    conveyed.
    One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown
    fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

    "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people
    who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all
    packages between various people in the woods?"

    Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union
    boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

    "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

    Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for
    womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed
    until all womyn were free.

    "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket,
    since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be
    oppressed?"

    And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was
    attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't
    stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help
    engender a feeling of community.

    "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and
    hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

    But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
    actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
    although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
    inferior to what some people called "health".

    Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of
    delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

    Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
    place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based
    on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded
    the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that
    natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

    Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants,
    but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all
    marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be
    accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

    On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a
    woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some
    flowers.
    She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked
    her what was in her basket.

    Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to
    strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding
    sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

    She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
    gesture of solidarity."

    The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl
    to walk through these woods alone."

    Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the
    extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as
    an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop
    an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse
    me, I would prefer to be on my way."

    Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards
    her Grandmother's house.

    But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
    adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a
    quicker route to Grandma's house.

    He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action
    affirmative of his nature as a predator.

    Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he
    put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and
    awaited developments.

    Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,

    "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you
    in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

    The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

    Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

    "You forget that I am optically challenged."

    "And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

    "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but
    I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

    "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

    The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
    reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed,
    grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she
    could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

    "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.
    "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of
    intimacy!"

    The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his
    grasp on her.

    At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage,
    brandishing an ax.

    "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

    "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
    "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of
    confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem
    and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

    "Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!
    This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little
    Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her
    head.
    "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat
    and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

    "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
    "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those
    protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a
    trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

    "Sure," said the Wolf.

    "Thanks."

    "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on
    his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you
    have any Maalox?"

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 534
    (5/10/01 1:24:27 pm)
    | Del Re: little red riding hood - PC version
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    All very good!,but a big Hahahahahahaha to rolling out of bed there Mike. Man that was great.
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    dap22
    Senior Chief Moderator II
    Posts: 486
    (5/10/01 1:56:33 pm)
    | Del Re: How man and dogs are the same.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Have to agree and proud of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    Rons Toys
    Member
    Posts: 35
    (5/10/01 1:58:35 pm)
    | Del house keeping - cat version
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN.

    CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you
    cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug,
    shag is good.

    DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on
    your hind legs and hammer with your forepaws. Once the door is opened, it is
    not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand
    halfway in and halfway out and think about several things. This is particularly
    important during very cold weather, rain, snow and the mosquito season.

    GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap.
    If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish'n Glop on your breath, so much the
    better.

    * For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select a fabric color
    which goes well with your fur. For example, white furred cats go to black wool
    clothing. * For a guest who claims, "I love kitties", be ready with aloof
    disdain, apply claws to stockings, or use a quick nip on the ankle.

    * When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised
    and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey: "But you allow me on the table
    when company is not here".

    * Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything,
    just sit and stare.

    WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with
    the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following
    are the rules for hampering:

    * When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
    cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, then
    picked up and consoled.

    * For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and the book,
    unless you can lie across the book itself.

    * For knitting projects, curl quietly into the lap of the knitter and pretend to
    doze. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply. This can
    cause dropped stitches or spill the yarn.

    * The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it.
    Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

    PLAY: It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh
    for playing catch the mouse or king-of-the-hill on your human's bed between 2:00
    and 4:00 a.m.

    BEGIN PEOPLE TRAINING EARLY. YOU WILL THEN HAVE A SMOOTH RUNNING HOUSEHOLD.
    HUMANS NEED TO KNOW BASIC RULES. THEY CAN BE TAUGHT IF YOU START EARLY AND ARE
    CONSISTENT.


    TShooters
    Member
    Posts: 129
    (5/10/01 4:05:49 pm)
    | Del Speaking of...........
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List

    Taoism: Shit happens.

    Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."

    Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

    Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.

    Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?

    Hinduism: This shit has happened before.

    Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

    Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.

    Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.

    Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

    Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.

    Presbyterianism: This shit was bound to happen.

    Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you
    serve the right wine with it.

    Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you
    serve grape juice with it.

    Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good
    as shit that happens to another.

    Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad
    as shit that happens to another.

    Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.

    Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you
    are born again. (Amen!)

    Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.

    Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.

    Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

    Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.

    Seventh Day
    Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.

    Creationism: God made all shit.

    Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.

    Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor -pray.

    Christian Science#2: Shit happening is all in your mind.

    Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.

    Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.

    Utopianism: This shit does not stink.

    Darwinism: This shit was once food.

    Capitalism: That's MY shit.

    Communism: It's everybody's shit.

    Feminism: Men are shit.

    Chauvanism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

    Commercialism: Let's package this shit.

    Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.

    Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.

    Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.

    Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?

    Stoicism: This shit is good for me.

    Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!

    Mormonism: God sent us this shit.

    Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.

    Wiccan: And it harms none, let shit happen.

    Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.

    Jehovah's
    Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.

    Jehovah's
    Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?

    Jehovah's
    Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.

    Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.

    Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama. (lama ding dong)

    Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

    Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half of the time.

    Church of
    SubGenius: BoB shits.

    Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.

    Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.

    Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?

    Agnostic #3: What is this shit?

    Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.

    Atheism: What shit?

    Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!

    Nihilism: No shit.

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 554
    (5/10/01 6:57:18 pm)
    | Del Re: Speaking of...........
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Well that's just great...more of this sh!t!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 844
    (5/10/01 7:26:00 pm)
    | Del More Southern Charm
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated
    side by side on the plane.

    The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said,
    "So, where ya'll from?" The Northern girl said, "From
    a place where they know better than to use a preposition
    at the end of a sentence."

    The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and
    then replied,
    "So, where ya'll from, BITCH?"

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 560
    (5/11/01 4:51:34 am)
    | Del Re: More Southern Charm
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hahahahahahahaa! Goodun Donna! Hehe!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Rons Toys
    Member
    Posts: 36
    (5/11/01 12:11:44 pm)
    | Del Nun-sense
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hope it does not offend anyone.

    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out
    of the corner of his eye. It says, "MARYTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
    OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES." He thinks it was just a figment
    of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
    Soon, he sees another sign which says, "MARYTERS OF MERCY
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES," and realizes that these
    signs are for real.

    When he drives past a third sign saying, "MARYTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF
    PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT," his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls over.

    On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign
    next to the door reading MARYTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the
    bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we
    do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
    interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

    He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun
    stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does
    as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and
    holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go
    through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of
    his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the
    hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks
    behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

    GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE MARYTERS OF MERCY.


    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 565
    (5/11/01 12:31:07 pm)
    | Del Re: Nun-sense
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hahahahaha!...No Doubt!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Rons Toys
    Member
    Posts: 37
    (5/11/01 1:47:06 pm)
    | Del Raped By a Mouse.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Raped By a Mouse...

    One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a
    female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw,the man gained the
    mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse
    repeated his amazing performance by raping a GermanSheppard. The man, very
    excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and
    woke up his wife but before he could explain,she saw the mouse, screamed, and
    covered her head with the blanket.

    "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."

    "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"


    Misterstan
    Moderator
    Posts: 122
    (5/12/01 10:01:03 am)
    | Del Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A police officer pulled a fellow over for speeding and the following exchange took place:

    Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
    Driver: I don’t have one. It was suspended after my fifth DUI.

    Officer: May I see the owner’s registration for this vehicle?
    Driver: It is not my car, I stole it!

    Officer: This car is stolen?
    Driver: That’s right. But, come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

    Officer: There is a gun in the glove box?
    Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the lady who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

    Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?!
    Driver: Yes, sir.

    Hearing all this, the officer immediately called for his captain and back up. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle a very tense situation.

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
    Driver: Sure, here it is.

    The license was valid.

    Captain: Who’s car is this?
    Driver: It is mine, sir. Here is the registration.

    The driver did own the car.

    Captain: Could you slowly open the glove box so I can see if there are any weapons in there?
    Driver: Yes, sir, but there are none.

    Sure enough, no weapon in the glove box.

    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you stated there is a body in it.
    Driver: No problem, sir.

    Trunk is opened, no body in sight.


    Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
    Driver: Oh, yeah? I’ll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

    Misterstan


    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 863
    (5/12/01 10:58:07 am)
    | Del Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    That is funny Stan. Good 'un!

    TShooters
    Member
    Posts: 134
    (5/12/01 6:13:39 pm)
    | Del Re: Speaking of...........
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Sorry 'bout that shit, Homer. {he he he}

    Great jokes, Ya'll!

    By golly, I think you've got it, Donna!

    Sharon

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 865
    (5/12/01 6:37:28 pm)
    | Del Re: Speaking of...........
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Didn't take long! Long time no talk. How are you?
    No, it's not a joke---really wanna know! lol!

    TShooters
    Member
    Posts: 136
    (5/12/01 7:12:35 pm)
    | Del Re: Speaking of...........
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hi! Donna! Do you really want to know??? Okay...here goes.........

    Son came home from college Wed. night....'course that meant a lot of laundry, and tryin' to find space to store his "stuff"! One good thing is that he's already employed for the summer here.

    Had to move daughter today from one dorm to another (an across-the-street-move is so much fun!). She's stayin' for the summer mini-mesters at her college, and to get more credit hours under her belt. She's a Residence Assistant with a bigger dorm room than a lot of the other students...so that meant more junk to move, and some to bring home! (Now..where am I gonna put all this??)

    And, me...I woke up with a case of vertigo Thursday morning. Remember how much fun it was as a kid to spin around until you were so dizzy that you had to fall down and watch the world unwind and spin back around you?? Well..that feeling ain't so much fun anymore!

    Thanks for askin'!

    Sharon



    Edited by: TShooters at: 5/12/01 8:14:04 pm

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 579
    (5/13/01 5:26:48 am)
    | Del Re: Speaking of...........
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    AAAAH!,she was probably just drunk again!













    Hehe! Hope your better Sharon! We missed ya!

    The jokes were great!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 137
    (5/13/01 12:06:22 pm)
    | Del Re: Speaking of...........
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    He he he, Homer...you are way too perceptive...psychic even!

    Sharon

    Mesen
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 135
    (5/14/01 10:15:52 pm)
    | Del A cute one
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, a man took his four-year-old daughter on his afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day, the man found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As the
    man braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
    Find what you're good at and stick with it!

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 143
    (5/15/01 11:04:41 am)
    | Del Re: A cute one
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    That's a cute one, Bree!

    Where...oh.....where...has Homer got off to??

    Sharon

    Mesen
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 137
    (5/15/01 11:11:34 am)
    | Del Re: A cute one
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Sharon,
    If my guess is correct, he's hiding to see if you're gonna get Ms. Beast's 2 x 4 or not! All the gals around here were issued one as standard equipment, but I think you were absent that day. Need to check with the supply sgt. and see if you can get yours.
    Bree

    Nice to see you back. Hope all is going well for you. Ever read "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran?
    Find what you're good at and stick with it!

    Rons Toys
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 39
    (5/15/01 1:00:13 pm)
    | Del Re: A cute one
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    For your enjoyment
    "The Prophet" e-book
    www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibtable.html

    Ron

    Mesen
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 138
    (5/15/01 9:09:58 pm)
    | Del Re: A cute one
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ron,
    An e-book? No shit? That's a trip. Hell of a good book though.
    Bree
    Find what you're good at and stick with it!

    Mesen
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 141
    (5/17/01 6:31:49 am)
    | Del Re: A cute one
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A new hair salon put in a business across from the old barber in town. Soon they put up a sign:
    WE GIVE THREE DOLLAR HAIRCUTS!!!

    Not to be oudone the master barber put up his own sign:
    WE FIX THREE DOLLAR HAIRCUTS!!!
    Find what you're good at and stick with it!

    Misterstan
    Moderator
    Posts: 137
    (5/17/01 9:01:00 am)
    | Del Two Boys & Religion
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Two little boys are looking for a way to cool off
    on a hot summer day. Since Dad won't let them
    play in the sprinkler because he's mowing the
    lawn, the boys set out to find another way to get
    wet and cool without getting into trouble.

    They sit on the curb brainstorming when suddenly
    one of them jumps up and says "I know, lets get
    baptized!" Well, both boys have seen enough to
    know that you get wet at a baptism, so they trot
    hopefully down to the church on the corner where
    they try to convince the pastor that they want to
    get baptized. After about 10 minutes of begging,
    the now clearly irritated pastor finally relents just
    to get rid of them. He drags the boys to the men's
    room and dunks them both, head first, into the
    toilet, then sends them on their way.

    The boys sit on the curb, not much cooler and
    obviously disappointed with the whole adventure.

    One of them asks the other, "What religion are we
    now?" "I don't know," replies the other. "If we were
    Baptists, he would have filled up the big tub and
    dunked our whole body like he did for Uncle Jim,
    and if we were Catholic, he would have poured it
    on our heads from a pitcher." They sat and thought
    about it for a while longer when the first one said in
    a small voice, "Well, since he stuck our heads in
    the toilet, do you think that it means that we are
    Piss-ca-palian?"

    Misterstan



    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 144
    (5/17/01 10:25:13 am)
    | Del Re: A cute one
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    HI! Bree!

    No, I've not read "The Prophet". Good book??

    Good jokes!



    Sharon

    Edited by: TShooters at: 5/17/01 11:29:34 am

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 145
    (5/17/01 10:31:10 am)
    | Del Re: A cute one
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Thanks, Ron!

    Will check it out.

    Sharon

    Genog
    Moderator
    Posts: 83
    (5/17/01 12:59:07 pm)
    | Del Re: A cute one
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The only cow in a small Minnesota town stopped giving milk. The people did
    some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line
    in Iowa for $200. They brought the cow from Iowa and the cow was
    wonderful.It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were
    pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the
    cow to produce more cows like
    it.They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They
    bought
    the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However,
    whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No
    matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull
    and he
    could not succeed in his quest.

    The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise,
    what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull
    approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she
    moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An
    approach from the side, she walks away to the other side."

    The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy
    this cow in Iowa?"

    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they
    bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we
    got the cow in Iowa?"

    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Iowa


    Geno G

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 894
    (5/17/01 1:02:38 pm)
    | Del Re: A cute one
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Oh, that is soooooo cute!

    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 174
    (5/20/01 8:13:33 am)
    | Del Texas Condoms
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her sorority sisters
    she had three goals for her trip the Lone Star State.

    She had wanted to taste some real Texas Barbecue, take in a bona fide
    Texas Rodeo and have sex with a Texan.

    Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

    "Let me tell you, Buffy," she confided, "they have an indigenous bush down there

    called Mesquite - and when they slow cook that brisket over that mesquite wood,
    wow! That beef not only melts in your mouth, the taste is beyond belief! And the
    men?
    I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes! These guys wrestle real full-grown
    bulls like in Spain.
    Except they ride a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then
    jump off the horse
    and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground, and tie
    'em up.
    And that's not all! It's a race! They ALL do it and only the fastest gets prize
    money!"

    "Virginia! Come on, tell us! You said you wanted to make love to a Texan! What
    happened?"

    "Well," Virginia admitted, "I'll admit, I was tempted, but when I was at the
    rodeo and
    I saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of those Texan's jeans, I
    changed my mind!"

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 934
    (5/20/01 8:32:35 am)
    | Del Re: Texas Condoms
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Too damn funny Remf.

    <>

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 152
    (5/20/01 5:57:25 pm)
    | Del French Computers
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Feminine or Masculine

    A language instructor was explaining to her
    class that in French, nouns unlike their
    English counterparts, are grammatically
    designated as masculine or feminine.

    "House," in French, is feminine - "la
    maison."

    "Pencil," in French, is masculine "le crayon."

    One puzzled student asked, "What gender is
    'computer'?" The teacher did not know, and
    the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for
    fun she split the class into two groups appropriately
    enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether
    "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
    Both groups were required to give four reasons for
    their recommendation.

    The men's group decided that computers should
    definitely be of the feminine gender
    ("la computer"), because:

    1). No one but their creator understands
    their internal logic;
    2). The native language they use to
    communicate with other computers is
    incomprehensible to everyone else;
    3). Even the smallest mistakes are stored in
    long-term memory for possible later review; and
    4). As soon as you make a commitment to one,
    you find yourself spending half your pay check
    on accessories for it.

    The women's group, however, concluded that
    computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

    1). In order to get their attention, you have
    to turn them on;
    2). They have a lot of data but they are
    still clueless;
    3). They are supposed to help you solve
    problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
    4). As soon as you commit to one, you realize
    that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have
    gotten a better model.

    The women won.


    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 153
    (5/20/01 5:58:34 pm)
    | Del Re: Texas Condoms
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    , Remf!

    Thangs are bigger in Texas!

    Sharon

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 584
    (5/21/01 7:56:22 am)
    | Del Re: Texas Condoms
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hehehehe! All of them were very funny guys...some good stuff there.





    He carefully replaces the phone upon it's receiver so as not to sound that tell-tale Click! revealing his eaves dropping..."Hmmm,Texas Huh!...do you have to be born there or perhaps can you simply move there and thangs get bigger", he wondered.






    Psst! Phil!...Donna's from Virginia! Hehe!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 156
    (5/21/01 10:37:50 am)
    | Del Re: Texas Condoms
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Homer,

    Great to see you back!

    I don't think you necessarily have to move to Texas, but drive across it a couple times...either north to south and back, or east to west and back. he he he

    Sharon


    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 589
    (5/21/01 11:54:10 am)
    | Del Re: Texas Condoms
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    " Couple hunnerd dollars for gas an a week in da pickup sure beats an operation,he remarks.
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Genog
    Moderator
    Posts: 86
    (5/21/01 12:45:17 pm)
    | Del Re: Texas Condoms
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    PSST Homer,

    Donna's from Missouri, Transplated to Va.

    That's why she can be stubborn as a mule....
    Geno G

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 946
    (5/21/01 8:13:44 pm)
    | Del Re: Texas Condoms
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Geno,

    MISSOURI-------THE SHOW ME STATE!!!!!




    Donna

    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 178
    (5/21/01 8:47:26 pm)
    | Del Blond joke
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new
    blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a
    stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain
    showed the stewardess the best place for airline
    personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

    The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for
    the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was
    missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and
    called her up wondering what happened to her.

    She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't
    get out of her room.

    "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked,
    "Why not?"

    The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in
    here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the
    closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not
    Disturb'!"



    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 951
    (5/21/01 9:31:06 pm)
    | Del Re: Blond joke
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Very funny...good one!


    <>

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 592
    (5/22/01 3:40:48 am)
    | Del Re: Blond joke
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hahahahahahahahaha! Either direction but always back and forth a couple of times!!! Hahahahahahaha! Ah Me!,what a cute and witty reply Sharon! Hehe!

    Heck,guess I'll stay in Maryland and save on the gas money. Ah Me!



    Yeah!,No Douubt Geno...one stubborn gal there...AH!!!,but what a stubborn Show Me gal HUH!!! Hehe!

    Another good Blonde joke Phil! Hehe!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Edited by: homer4 at: 5/22/01 5:46:54 am

    Genog
    Moderator
    Posts: 88
    (5/22/01 10:21:37 am)
    | Del Re: Blond joke
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    So.... SHOW ME
    Geno G

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 598
    (5/22/01 11:42:04 am)
    | Del Re: Blond joke
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    " Yeah man Geno...I'm with ya bud ", he remarks

    Remembering Mithrandir has a Acme Super Instamatic Pocket Camera with Wide Angle Up-Close-And-Personal Tele-Photo Lens and only lives a couple of three to four blocks away

    ...stammering a " Hold everything! Be right back " at Geno...Homer dashes down the street...


    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Edited by: homer4 at: 5/22/01 12:44:25 pm

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 955
    (5/22/01 7:47:15 pm)
    | Del Re: Blond joke
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I did show you Geno, of course you were so mesmerized
    at the time.

    Homer remembers, don't you Homer?

    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 180
    (5/22/01 8:03:45 pm)
    | Del Have you ever done that?
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing.

    When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms
    remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five
    condoms?"

    His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached

    her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you
    ever done that?"
    "Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

    "You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
    "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 958
    (5/22/01 8:07:08 pm)
    | Del Re: Have you ever done that?
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    That was great!


    <>
  2. Guest

    Guest Guest

    Indybear57
    Moderator
    Posts: 308
    (5/22/01 10:04:08 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Night In A Bar
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    One evening there was a young lady in a bar having a couple of drinks and checking out the young men. After she'd been there for a little while a 70 year old man comes up and starts hitting on her. She thinks to herself "What the hell. The old codger'll be done in a couple of minutes and then I can head back here and find someone younger to spend the night with." So, she and the old man leave.

    The get to the old man's hotel room and the young lady excuses herself to the bathroom. She comes out wearing nothing but her skimpy bra and lace underwear. Much to her suprise she sees the old man standing by the dresser with a swimmers nose clip on, stuffing cotton in his ears.

    "What in the world are you doing?" she asks.

    The old man replies, "If there's two things in this world I can't stand it's screaming women and the smell of burning latex!"

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 602
    (5/23/01 6:59:33 am)
    | Del Re: Night In A Bar
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hehehehe! Goodun Phil!

    That was Smokin!,there Mike.Hehehe!

    Certainly made a BIG imprint on me Donna.

    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 961
    (5/23/01 7:21:41 am)
    | Del Re: Night In A Bar
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    She has a good laugh at Homer and thinks, "should I or
    shouldn't I" ask? Down Boy! LOL!

    Rons Toys
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 44
    (5/23/01 7:27:03 am)
    | Del you might be stupid if....
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    We in no way claim copyright to any of the "You might be a..." jokes, these jokes are all
    belived to be in the public domain catagory. If you own or run a You might be a... site and
    wish to mirror our collection however please ask for permission first! Permission may be
    obtained from RyNeed@yahoo.com, the only return we ask of you is a return link to our site.
    Thanks and enjoy!
    You Might be... (Select a category)

    a military brat
    a Mother if
    in the army if
    anal-retentive if
    a goth if
    a Net Junkie if
    A Redneck If
    a IRC Junkie if
    a Microsoft Employee If
    a Web Developer if
    an Engineer if
    a Yankee If
    home schooled if
    Addicted to AOL if

    a Biker if
    a child of the 80's if
    a bad cook if
    a drunk if
    from iowa if
    a pack rat if
    a wrestling fan if
    a Geologist if
    getting old when
    a College Student
    a Republican if
    Stupid If
    From A Small Town If
    a Gamer if

    You Might Be Stupid If...

    you can't remember the number for 911.
    you just discovered your AM radio also works in the afternoon.
    you try to turn the light on to find a flashlight in a power outage!
    you put braille on a drive up teller machine.
    you think a pigpen is something to write with!!!
    you use your CD-ROM unit as a drink holder.
    you frequently misspell your own name.
    you sell your car for gas money.
    you try thinking and nothing happens.
    you think a quarterback is a refund!!!
    you were the one testing out the shark bite suit.
    you have to look "stupid" up in the dictionary.
    you tell your wife not to laugh as you point a gun to your head, because
    she is next!
    you bronze a gold medal as a keep sake.
    you feel for one millisecond that you may have won the sweepstakes this
    time despite the fact that it is stamped in clear view "bulk rate."
    you look at any of the above and think, "Huh?! I don't get it..."
    you try to alphabitize your m&m's
    you think yopu have 20 fingers
    you cant spell you
    you pee your self in the bathroom.
    you get locked in a grocery store and starve to death
    you think Reading is just a place.
    You think that Canada is a southern state.
    you answer every math problem with "7"
    You think that eveyone else is stupid because you paid your taxes over a
    year ago.
    you voted for Al Gore.
    you sniff a lighter while its lit


    Tac401
    Administrator
    Posts: 759
    (5/25/01 9:54:27 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Do Bears ?
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Tac401
    Administrator
    Posts: 760
    (5/25/01 9:59:21 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    The Little Patriot
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 990
    (5/26/01 9:01:30 am)
    | Del Re: Do Bears ?
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Those are great JD! Love the bear picture!

    See you didn't hesitate to put the Hilary picture in it's
    proper forum. What a joke!

    Misterstan
    Moderator
    Posts: 177
    (5/26/01 12:33:44 pm)
    | Del Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:

    "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

    "Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.

    "I do need your help," said putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

    "Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

    "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

    "Yes?"

    "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10'' long and 4'' in diameter?" said Putin.

    "No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor. You've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

    "Consider it done," said the President of condom company.

    "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10'' long and 4'' wide."

    "Easily done. Anything else?"

    "Yeah," chuckled the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one."

    Misterstan

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 995
    (5/26/01 1:11:14 pm)
    | Del Re: you might be stupid if....
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Rons Toys,

    That was funny as hell, "you might stupid if".
    A much needed laugh.

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 996
    (5/26/01 1:25:28 pm)
    | Del Re: you might be stupid if....
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Sharon,

    In case you drop in here......hope your days are no
    longer blurred.

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 169
    (5/26/01 1:35:18 pm)
    | Del Re: you might be stupid if....
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    HI! Donna!

    Doin' better. Only feel like I'm on a roller coaster immediately after rollin' out of bed every morning. Thanks!

    Sharon

    Edited by: TShooters at: 5/26/01 2:40:36 pm

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 170
    (5/26/01 1:39:12 pm)
    | Del Chemistry Test
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I love this one!

    **********

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
    chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
    professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
    why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
    heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas
    cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
    variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
    to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
    leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
    it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

    As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different
    religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
    are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more
    than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
    religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
    rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
    exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
    because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure
    in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
    souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
    Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
    Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
    Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
    Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
    you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
    having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am
    sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

    The student received the only "A" given.

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 172
    (5/26/01 2:09:10 pm)
    | Del How to Build a Web Page
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    HOW TO BUILD A WEB PAGE IN 25 STEPS

    1. Download a piece of Web authoring software ~ 20 minutes.

    2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page ~ 6
    weeks.

    3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software,
    because they have released 3 new versions since the first
    time you downloaded it ~ 20 minutes.

    4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on
    your site ~ 1 minute.

    5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them
    that you like ~ 4 days.

    6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails,
    download it again ~ 25 minutes.

    7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar
    buttons to see what they do ~ 15 minutes.

    8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a
    few words here and there ~ 4 hours.

    9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software ~
    1 minute.

    10. Try to horizontally line up two related images ~ 6
    hours.

    11. Remove one of the images ~ 10 seconds.

    12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your
    background, wonder why all your text is gone ~ 4 hours.

    13. Download a counter from your ISP ~ 4 minutes.

    14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are
    visitor number 16.3 E10" ~ 3 hours.

    15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text ~ 8 hours.

    16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page
    on your ISP ~ 40 minutes.

    17. Accidentally delete your complete web page ~ 1 second.

    18. Recreate your web page ~ 2 days.

    19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your
    ISP's server ~ 3 weeks.

    20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP ~ 30
    minutes.

    21. Download FTP software ~ 10 minutes.

    22. Call your friend again ~ 15 minutes.

    23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server ~ 10 minutes.

    24. Connect to your site on the web ~ 1 minute.

    25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps ~ eternity

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 173
    (5/26/01 2:17:12 pm)
    | Del The Talking Clock
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The Talking Clock
    -----------------
    While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a
    college student led the way into the den.

    "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his
    friends asked.

    "That is the talking clock", the man replied.

    "How's it work?" the friend asked.

    "Watch", the man said, then proceeded to give the gong an
    ear shattering pound with the hammer.

    Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall,
    "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM!"

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 175
    (5/26/01 2:28:09 pm)
    | Del It's the Little Things....
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    THE LITTLE THINGS THAT DRIVE A SANE PERSON MAD

    You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid
    little plastic thing in the middle of them.

    The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart
    into the back of your ankle.

    The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

    There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing
    down to find an address.

    You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

    It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't
    realize it till you walk across your living room rug.

    The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works
    for you.

    There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at
    EVERYTHING.

    You can never put anything back in a box the way it
    came.

    You drink from a soda can into which someone has
    extinguished a cigarette.

    You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

    Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're
    trying to get a reading.

    A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing
    near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every
    time you move away.

    There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop
    out of the tray.

    You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and
    your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

    The car behind you blasts its horn because you let
    a pedestrian finish crossing.

    A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical
    contact with your filling (or braces).

    You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm
    instead of 7am.

    The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that
    song.

    You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom
    doorknob to get out.

    People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead
    of you to a counter just opening up.

    Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

    You can't look up the correct spelling of a word
    in the dictionary because you don't know how to
    spell it.

    You have to inform five different sales people in
    the same store that you're just browsing.

    You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and
    now you can't find it.

    You reach under the table to pick something off the floor
    and smash your head on the way up.

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 176
    (5/26/01 2:35:19 pm)
    | Del Ring..Ring....
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ring...Ring...
    Hello" Says a little girl's voice.
    "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
    "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
    After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
    "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
    "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
    and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
    "Okay, Daddy!"
    A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
    "And what happened?"
    "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the front
    steps and she's just lying there. Her neck is at a funny angle. I think she's dead."
    "Oh my god....And what about Uncle Frank?"
    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but
    he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just lying
    there, not moving. He may be dead too."
    There is a long pause,
    then Bob says, "Swimming pool?
    Is this 854-7039?"

    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 187
    (5/27/01 6:00:37 am)
    | Del Lawyers
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Tshooter is on a roll now!


    Q: How was copper wire invented?
    A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

    Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
    A: Cats keep trying to bury them.

    Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?
    Because deep down, they're really good people.

    What do you call 100 lawyers chained together at the bottom of the
    ocean?
    A good start.

    What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
    A tick falls off of you when you die.

    Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their
    clients?
    To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
    service.

    What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
    Not enough sand.

    How can you tell when lawyers are lying?
    Their lips are moving.

    Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the
    lawyers?
    New Jersey got to pick first.

    How do you save a drowning lawyer?
    Take your foot off his head.

    What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?
    Retired.

    What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
    A Doberman.



    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 188
    (5/27/01 6:05:55 am)
    | Del Sometimes it takes a while.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A woman's
    husband had been slipping in and out of a coma
    for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every
    single day. One day, when he finally awoke, he motioned for
    her to come closer.

    As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
    know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
    When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my
    business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
    by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
    When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
    You know what?"

    "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
    fill with warmth.

    "I think you're bad luck."



    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 660
    (5/27/01 9:37:55 am)
    | Del Re: Sometimes it takes a while.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hahahaha! Very good guys!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 1005
    (5/27/01 9:53:40 am)
    | Del Re: Sometimes it takes a while.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I'm going to keep the Lawyer jokes hidden from my family.
    Those jokes are too funny.



    <>

    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 190
    (5/29/01 10:44:41 am)
    | Del Money.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    <>

    Money...
    It can buy a House
    But not a Home

    It can buy a Bed
    But not Sleep

    It can buy a Clock
    But not Time

    It can buy you a Book
    But not Knowledge

    It can buy you a Position
    But not Respect

    It can buy you Medicine
    But not Health

    It can buy you Blood
    But not Life

    It can buy you Sex
    But not Love

    So you see money isn't everything.
    And it often causes pain and suffering.

    I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

    So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
    Cash is fine.

    Indybear57
    Moderator
    Posts: 331
    (5/29/01 11:07:57 am)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: Money.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    You, my friend, are WAY too eager!

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 681
    (5/29/01 9:13:51 pm)
    | Del Re: Money.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hehe!,had me goin all the way Phil..a real kicker at the end.Hehe! Good un!

    Edited by: oneknight at: 5/29/01 10:55:25 pm

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 1026
    (5/29/01 9:58:24 pm)
    | Del Re: Money.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    So....you gonna share all that cash? Homer is always
    looking for a loan.


    <>

    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 192
    (5/31/01 11:25:47 am)
    | Del How it works.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I would share but I would really hate to cause you pain &suffering. Heh, heh. <>

    Here's another:

    > Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . .
    >
    > If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was
    > holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
    >
    > If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll
    > music or musician he liked.
    >
    > If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
    > lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
    >
    > If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you
    > blame the school for poor sex education.
    >
    > If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home
    > drunk, you blame the bartender.
    >
    > If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to
    > shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government
    > for not providing clean ones.
    >
    > If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you
    > blame television.
    >
    > If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame
    > the gun manufacturer.
    >
    > And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to
    > kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him
    > instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
    >
    > I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is
    > anymore. So if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked
    > in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 708
    (5/31/01 12:25:57 pm)
    | Del Re: How it works.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey Larry!...we have 5% of the worlds population and 95% of the lawyers.Good grief bud!...what a mess!

    OH Yeah!...and some 82% of all the political offices held in America...from the smallest town councils to the President of the United States are lawyers. 82%!

    I read this somewhere just a few years back...I forget where but always remember that statistic...a statistic that if I wasn't willing to accept it would be because that the percentage was too low.
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Indybear57
    Moderator
    Posts: 341
    (5/31/01 3:49:08 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Rednecks & Nuns
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Three rednecks, sitting behind a couple of nuns at the football game, decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there..."

    The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, I hear there are only 50 Catholics living there..."
    The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho, my uncle says there are only 25 Catholics living there..."

    One of the nuns then turned around, looked the three men squarely in the eyes and calmly said: "Why don't you go to Hell, there aren't any Catholics there!"


    Misterstan
    Moderator
    Posts: 198
    (5/31/01 4:13:43 pm)
    | Del Re: How it works.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A man calls his boss in the morning.

    "Ey, boss. I not come work today I really sick.
    I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
    I not come work."

    The boss says, "You know Carlos, I really need you
    today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell
    her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better
    and I can go to work. You should try that."

    Two hours later Carlos calls.

    "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at
    work soon."

    "And by the way, you got nice house."

    Misterstan



    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 725
    (5/31/01 11:15:57 pm)
    | Del Re: How it works.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ah Man! They were great! Hahahahahahahaha! I love this Board!!!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 1055
    (6/1/01 7:12:11 am)
    | Del Re: How it works.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Stan,

    Very, very funny! Still laughing...ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!!

    Mithrandir
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 67
    (6/1/01 10:42:31 am)
    | Del Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A man & a woman were beginning to have trouble in their marriage

    every time one of them wanted to have sex.. the other one was reluctant for some reason...

    stuff like... it is too dark in here...
    or
    there is too much light...
    the kids can hear us...
    there is someone at the door...

    They just couldn’t get it together….

    So… they visited a marriage counselor…..and after listening to the couple said..

    “It seems to me that the real problem is not that you do not want sex… it is that you two just cannot seem to be “In Sync” with one another….”

    “So what do we do? they pleaded….

    “Well…. when he comes to you and you see that look in his eye… or when she comes to you with that look in HER eye…. just DO IT…. right there… don’t worry about the kids or someone at the door….”

    “Thanks … we’ll try it” and off they went…..

    Several weeks later.. the counselor calls to see how things are going….”well… is it working” he says..

    “I’ll Say!!” they both said… “it works great”!!

    “well, do you to tell me about it?”

    “Sure” says she….

    Well…

    Well… one evening while we were having dinner…..I look up and see that look in his eye… and he sees that look in MY eyes…. and we quickly strip off our clothes and tear the tablecloth off of the table and throw all the food on the floor in order to clear a space… and we made wild .. passionate love right there on the table….””

    “It was great” he chimes in….”but there is only one problem”


    “and what is that?” asked the couseler

    “Well…… it was great sex and all…. but…..”









    “well…. we will never be able to go to THAT restaurant again!!”



    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 729
    (6/1/01 1:01:42 pm)
    | Del Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hehe! No doubt! Goodun Mith...both a writer of stories and jokes too...Glad you made it here bud!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 1058
    (6/1/01 2:05:38 pm)
    | Del Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Mith,

    Enjoy your stories very much, glad to see you post some
    humor.

    One of the nice things about this board, share a memory
    and if it's too much, drop in and have a laugh.

    Notice how much Homer hangs around here. Had to limit
    his visits to Boom Boom's Lounge, He was becoming a
    lush like Dave.


    Donna aka Boom Boom

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 740
    (6/1/01 5:17:18 pm)
    | Del Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Yeah,I've noticed I'm tippin a few too many...but when I'm with Ole Dave,why it seems the right thing to do Donna.

    He's a such a likable guy...I hate to say no to him and so I'll pop another cap.

    He almost got me in trouble over at Mike's Place with none other than Ole Mike himself but me and Mike why we go back a long way and I left in good standing...Heck!,the three of us are like a Shamrock.

    What time ya gotta work at the Lounge Kid,I'll try to make my way over there.
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Edited by: homer4 at: 6/1/01 7:20:23 pm

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 191
    (6/1/01 5:45:40 pm)
    | Del Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    , Mith! Denny's will never be the same!

    Oh....Waitresss!!!! Will ya wipe this table down one mo' time??

    Sharon

    Mesen
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 161
    (6/1/01 8:54:34 pm)
    | Del Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Built FORD Tough
    Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates,
    St. Peter greets Ford
    and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy,
    and your invention...
    the Assembly line for the automobile... changed the
    world. As a reward,
    you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
    Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out
    with God Himself." So
    the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne
    Room, and introduces him
    to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented
    Woman, what were you
    >thinking?"
    You have some major
    design flaws in your invention
    1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
    2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
    3 Maintenance is extremely high.
    4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
    5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered
    out of service.
    6. The rear end wobbles too much.
    7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
    8. The headlights are usually too small.
    9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
    "Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute." God goes
    over to the Celestial
    Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits
    for the results. In no
    time the computer prints out a report, and God reads
    it. God then turns to
    Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is
    flawed, but according to
    these statistics, more men are riding my invention
    than yours.



    IF YOU VALUE YOUR FREEDOM, THANK A VET!

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 754
    (6/2/01 7:25:51 am)
    | Del Re: Jokes III
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Yeah Man!!! High maintanance for sure...AHHH!!!,but what a Ride!!!

    Absolutely funny Bree!! Goodun! Hehe!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.
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