Jokes VI

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    Indybear57
    Moderator
    Posts: 481
    (7/26/01 10:19:02 am)
    | Del All
    ezSupporter
    Jokes VI
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    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

    Thirty minutes later the gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

    The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."


    dap22
    Senior Chief Moderator II
    Posts: 944
    (7/26/01 10:37:09 am)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: 'potentially' versus 'realistically'
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    A young boy approaches his father and asks, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

    The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned from that."

    So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

    The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

    The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

    The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

    The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"

    "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million dollars is?"

    The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.

    His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

    The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer."




    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 1553
    (7/26/01 10:57:32 am)
    | Del Re: 'potentially' versus 'realistically'
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    Dave,

    That was a great one! Very funny!

    Rons Toys
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 71
    (7/26/01 3:35:29 pm)
    | Del Re: 'potentially' versus 'realistically'
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A Jewish pilot and his Chinese co-pilot are taking their first commercial flight
    together, and it's obvious that they aren't getting along
    very well. After about 30 minutes of silence between the
    two after take-off, the Jew finally speaks:

    "Ya know, I never did like you damn Asians...you guys bombed Pearl Harbor!"
    "No, no - that Japanese, not Chinese" "Yeah, Japanese, Chinese...it's all the
    same to me".

    The slightly perturbed Asian, a few minutes later, comments:

    "You Jews, me no rike...Jews sunk Titanic, vely bad" "What?? Jews didn't sink
    the Titanic, a giant Iceberg did!!" "Ehh...Iceberg, Goldberg, Ratzenberg - it
    awe same to me"


    Winter11
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 152
    (7/27/01 1:47:57 pm)
    | Del
    Thought I'd add some...
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    LOL - watch out for small animals... ya never know



    --------------------------------------------------------

    Blondes (for the record so as not to insult anyone by chance, I am a blonde, and I have a damn good sense of humor )

    What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
    Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

    How do you drown a Blonde?
    Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

    A Blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin.
    Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning?!"

    One morning this blonde called her boyfriend and said “Please come over and help me. I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it.” Her boyfriend asked "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde said "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him where she has the pieces spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger." “Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

    After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

    -----------------------------------------------------

    Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret

    10 Does this come in children's sizes?
    9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
    8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
    7 Mom will love this.
    6 Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
    5 No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
    4 Will you model this for me???
    3 Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat *** into that!
    2 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!

    1 The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!





    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1272
    (7/27/01 1:59:18 pm)
    | Del Re: Thought I'd add some...
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    Hehehe! Very funny Winter, always good to be able to laugh at ones self or type or carricatures. Gooduns.
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Rons Toys
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 72
    (7/28/01 11:33:59 am)
    | Del Tiger scores!
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    Tiger Scored!

    John and Carol were on their honeymoon. They were lying in bed, about ready to
    consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband, "I have a
    confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

    John replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues,
    "Yeah, but I've only been with one guy."

    "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

    "Tiger Woods."

    "Tiger Woods the golfer?"

    "Yeah. We both lived in Orlando, and dated for about 6 months. One thing lead
    to another and Tiger scored."

    "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

    John and Carol then make passionate love. When they get done, John gets up and
    walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband
    says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that. "

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and love me a second time." John puts down the phone and
    goes back to bed to make love with Carol a second time.

    When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

    "What are you doing?" She asks.

    The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get
    some food."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." So John slams down the phone
    and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife once again.

    When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and
    starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole....


    nighthawk
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 151
    (7/28/01 10:37:25 pm)
    | Del Re: blond joke
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    ok, if blond jokes are PC in here,,,I'll try one....


    A young blond enlist in the Army and after training, gets assigned to a small, remote island. The assingment and duties are all very, very secret. No communication with the outside is allowed at all.
    After many months of duty, our blond is getting more and more homesick. She ask her section Sgt for a leave, but is told that they are short of personnel so permission denied. She then ask if she can just telephone home. Again, permission denied. She keeps trying, going up the chain of command. always denied. Finally, she goes in to see the Commanding Officer.
    "Sir;" she pleads, "I will do anything just to be able to talk to my mother."
    The CO thinks about it for a minute, then gets up and locks the door.
    "Anything?", he ask.
    "Oh, yes Sir!" she replys
    He tells her to come over and get on her knees, which she does.
    He unzips his pants and takes out his manhood.
    "Well, go ahead." he tells her
    The blond tentivly leans froward, takes it in her hand, puts her mouth up close to it and says;
    "Hello, Mom??"

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 450
    (7/29/01 10:29:14 am)
    | Del Re: blond joke
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    Good'uns, Ya'll!

    Sharon

    dirty423
    Member
    Posts: 36
    (7/29/01 10:48:48 am)
    | Del
    Golf anyone?
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A fellow was whiling away his time on a beautiful golf course in Ireland. On the twelfth hole he slices his tee shot into the woods. He finds his ball next to a little fellow out cold in the bushes with a terrific knot on his head. He rouses the injured little man who then announces he is a leprechaun and since the golfer was such a nice fellow to take care of him he would grant him three wishes.The golfer would have none of that, he said he was glad that the injury was not bad, picked up his ball and went back to his game.

    The leprechaun says to himself, "he is such a nice fellow I'll still grant him three wishes, I'll just give him what I would wish for: A great golf game, plenty of money and a great sex life."

    The following year our golfer is back at the same course and once again slices his drive into the woods on the twelfth hole. While retrieving his ball he again meets the leprechaun.
    The leprechaun asks, "hows your golf game?" To which the fellow replies that it's never been better, he hadn't shot overpar in a year.
    The leprechaun says, "I did that for you, how are you doing financially?" The golfer informs him that he's always finding hundred pound notes in every pocket.
    The leprechaun says, "I did that for you too and (with a nudge and a wink) how's the old sex life?" The fellow rather sheepishly toes the ground and says, "Oh, I guess once or twice a week." Quite taken aback the leprechaun says, "Once or twice a week, is that all?" to which our golfer replies, "Well that's not so bad for a priest in a small parish."
    The point of the spear

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 454
    (7/29/01 11:43:24 am)
    | Del Careful what you ask for.....
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich
    behind him. The waitress comes over and
    asks for their order.

    The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and
    a coke."

    He turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

    "I'll have the same,"says the ostrich.

    The waitress returns with the order and says,
    "That will be $6.40 please."

    The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
    the exact change.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich are back.
    The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and
    a coke."

    The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

    Once again the man reaches into his pocket
    and out comes the exact change.

    This becomes a routine, every evening the man
    and the ostrich order the same thing and the
    man pays with the exact change.

    Friday evening the two are back at the regular
    time.

    "The usual?" asks the waitress.

    "No, this is Friday night," says the man. "I'll have a
    steak, baked potato and salad,"

    "Same for me," says the ostrich.

    The waitress comes back with the order and says,
    "That will be $12.62."

    Once again the man pulls exact change out of his
    pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress can't control her curiosity any longer.
    "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up
    with the exact change every time?"

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
    cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I
    rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
    wishes. My first wish was that when I had to pay
    for something I could just put my hand in my
    pocket and the right amount of money would
    always be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
    would wish for a million dollars or something, but
    you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as
    you live!"

    "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
    Rolls Royce, the exact amount is always there,"
    says the man.

    The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's
    with the ostrich?"

    The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick
    with long legs."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    This guy was walking along the beach one day and ran across a lamp. He picked
    it up a rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie told him he would grant
    the man three wishes.

    "First," the guy began, "I'd like a million dollars."

    POOF! A million dollars was suddenly showing on his checkbook balance.

    "Second," he continued, "I'd like a new Mercedes."

    POOF! A Mercedes appeared right in front of him.

    "Third," the guy smirked, "I'd like to be irresistible to women."

    POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Two priests died on the same day and arrived at the
    Pearly Gates together.
    St. Peter tells them, "Our computer is down so we
    can't let you enter today.
    You'll have to go back to Earth for a week
    until we're ready.

    He looks at the first priest and says, "What
    would you like to go back as?"

    The priest thinks a minute and
    says, I'd like to go back as an eagle and
    soar over some lake in the Rockies."

    "Done," says St. Peter and off the priest goes.
    He looks at the second
    priest and asks, "What would you like to go back
    as?"

    The priest hesitates and then says, "Does this
    count?"
    "No," says St. Peter, "you're life is over. This is a free
    week."

    The priest says, "I want to go back as a
    stud."

    "Done," says St. Peter, and off the priest
    goes.

    A week later God says to St. Peter, "It's time to get
    those two priests back here. Can you find them?"

    St. Peter says, "The first will be easy; he's soaring
    over a lake in the Rockies. The second will be
    harder."

    "How so?, asks God.

    "He's on a snow
    tire somewhere in North Dakota."

    Edited by: TShooters at: 7/29/01 1:06:00 pm

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 455
    (7/29/01 11:44:38 am)
    | Del Another lawyer joke
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten
    husbands. On their wedding
    night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm
    still a virgin."
    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've
    been married ten times?"

    "Well,
    Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me
    how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really
    sure how it was supposed to
    function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything
    checked out diagnostically but he
    just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had
    the order, he didn't know
    when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process
    but wanted three years to
    research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
    method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought
    he knew how, but he wasn't
    sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product,
    he was never sure how to
    position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk
    about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...
    God! I miss him! But now that
    I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 456
    (7/29/01 11:46:26 am)
    | Del Kids' Perspectives
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    POLICE
    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
    interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I
    answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
    "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as
    she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    POLICE # 2
    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.
    As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got
    back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he
    said, "What'd he do?"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    ELDERLY
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I
    used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old
    age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
    braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe
    this!"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    DRESS-UP
    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you
    shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    DEATH
    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the
    intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
    robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and
    made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
    dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said. "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn .
    ......and into the hole he gooooes."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    SCHOOL
    A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my
    time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write - and they won't let me
    talk!"

    ******************
    A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking
    it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came
    along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This
    is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

    The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
    If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly,
    she'll pass a healthy baby boy."

    The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't nothin' -- you take some of
    this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a
    motorcycle!"

    Edited by: TShooters at: 7/29/01 1:08:24 pm

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 457
    (7/29/01 11:50:27 am)
    | Del Irish Toast
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening atthe local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a
    contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

    Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening "Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent
    Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

    When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won
    the contest for the best toast of the evening."

    His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, "Here's To The BestYears o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me
    Wife."

    His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your toast."

    The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at
    the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley.

    He said, "Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that your husband, John, gave at the Toast Masters meeting
    last evening. He won first prize.

    "Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, the first
    time he fell asleep and the second time I had to pull him out by the ears."

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 458
    (7/29/01 11:53:45 am)
    | Del Name Changes
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks
    he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk. She accepted.

    "What's your name?" he asked her.

    "Carmen," she replied.

    "That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"

    "Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."

    "Why did you do that?" he asked.

    "Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?"

    "Beerpussy," the man replied.

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 459
    (7/29/01 12:02:17 pm)
    | Del Women's Most Embarrassing Moments
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Curl Up and Die
    I walked into a hair salon with my husband
    and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
    Melinda Lowe,
    39, Seguin, TX

    Pad, please!

    An insurance man visited me at home to talk about
    our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I
    told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of
    our guest.
    Kathy Newman,
    46,Winston-Salem, NC

    Ho, Ho, Ho
    I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he
    made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies
    made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
    hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in
    addition to my son, I had
    captured my reflection in the mirror --
    wearing nothing but a camera!
    Name Withheld

    Lady Golfer

    I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
    After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store.
    He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
    Colleen Collins,
    31, Ferndale, MI

    Nuts about You
    My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display
    case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister
    started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I
    turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
    Faye Emerick,
    34, Ellerslie, MD

    Priceless

    One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up
    several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
    had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to
    hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear
    of the store apparently
    misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the
    intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN
    WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

    Mom's Advice
    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
    attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
    recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
    phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
    Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
    desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told
    me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.


    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 213
    (7/30/01 1:01:37 pm)
    | Del Blond Joke
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with
    the tip of her index finger shot off.

    "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

    "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

    "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide
    by shooting your finger off?"
    "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my
    chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast
    implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

    "So then?" asked the doctor.

    "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
    $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting
    myself in the mouth."

    "So then?"

    "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going
    to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

    nighthawk
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 159
    (7/30/01 1:29:13 pm)
    | Del Re: Blond Joke
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Three pregnant women were setting around one day discussing what gender their babys were going to be.
    The first said she was going to have a boy.
    "How do you know?", the others asked.
    "Because he was on top when I concieved." she answered.
    "Oh,then I am going to have a girl, because I was on top when I concieved." said the second woman.
    "Damn!" said the third.
    The other two ask what was wrong
    "Looks like I am going to have a puppy." she said.

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1307
    (7/30/01 6:21:16 pm)
    | Del Re: Blond Joke
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hahahahahahahahaha! Man yous guys are killing me! Hehehe! Ahhh! Me!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Winter11
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 159
    (8/1/01 4:07:29 pm)
    | Del
    Re: Jokes VI
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

    "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
    "There's no way they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

    She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll BOTH be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?", and hangs up.

    In Phoenix, the old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"





    A man calls his house and a young girl answers the phone.

    "Hi sweetie" says the man.
    "Hi Daddy" replies the girl.

    "Is your Mommy there?", "I need to tell her my flight was delayed but I made it ok to my hotel" says the man.

    "Yes daddy, she is here but she told me to say she was busy and couldn't come to the phone if anyone called".

    "That's ok sweetie, what is she busy doing right now?" asks the man.

    She is in your bedroom with uncle Frank, daddy" says the girl. "Mommy said they were gonna do a special dance on the bed and that she was gonna be busy for a while".

    "Uh, honey, you know you don't have an Uncle Frank don't you?" asked the man.

    "Yes daddy, I know"

    "Well, I want you to yell out right now and say hey Mommy, Daddy just pulled up in the driveway, can you do that for daddy?" asks the man.

    "Sure Daddy"...."HEY MOMMY, DADDY'S HOME!!" yells the girl.

    "Ok honey what happened?" asks the man.

    "Oh daddy, Uncle Frank jumped out your bedroom window with a sheet around his waist and fell into the empty swimming pool and busted his head open, and mommy ran into the closet naked and closed the door which locked behind her" the girl informed him.

    "uh, honey,....in the pool? But we don't have a ....is this 555-6347?





    A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

    The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch.

    The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.

    At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain.

    The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.






    OH YEAH.... always practice....


    SAFE SEX

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1331
    (8/3/01 5:29:06 am)
    | Del Re: Jokes VI
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hehe!...neat!
    And I thought that ole box spring made alot of noice!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 493
    (8/9/01 1:30:23 pm)
    | Del English
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN:

    1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

    2) The farm was used to produce produce.

    3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

    4) The Polish polish their furniture.

    5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

    6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

    7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
    present the present.

    8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

    9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

    10) I did not object to the object.

    11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

    12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

    13) They were too close to the door to close it.

    14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

    15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

    16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

    17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

    18) After a number of injections, my jaw got number.

    19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

    20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

    21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

    22) The accountant at the music store records records of the records.

    Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant

    or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English
    muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
    Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
    We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square We have
    noses that run and feet that smell. How can a slim chance and a fat
    chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

    Edited by: Indybear57 at: 8/9/01 3:51:01 pm

    Genog
    Moderator
    Posts: 168
    (8/9/01 1:36:59 pm)
    | Del Subject: all drugs have generic names.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Subject: all drugs have generic names.

    In pharmacology all drugs have generic names.

    Tylenol is Acetaminophen.

    Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.

    The FDA is looking for a generic name for Viagra and
    announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

    Other names considered were: Mycoxafloppin,
    Mydixadrupin, Mycoxnoworkin and Mydixarizen.

    Marketing slogans for Viagra are important, too:

    Top ten slogans being considered by Viagra:

    10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzzz Up!"

    9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

    8. Viagra, Like a rock!

    7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to
    be there tonight.

    6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

    5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

    4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

    3. Viagra, Tastes great!.....More filling!

    2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

    And the number one slogan being considered by
    Viagra:

    1. This is your penis...This is your penis on drugs.




    Edited by: Indybear57 at: 8/9/01 3:50:04 pm

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 494
    (8/9/01 1:46:12 pm)
    | Del More thoughts to ponder
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    He he he, Genog! Good ones!

    ==========================
    More thoughts to ponder:

    Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up.

    Indecision is the key to flexibility.

    You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

    Be kind,everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.

    There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

    This is as bad as it can get...but don't bet on it.

    By the time you can make ends meet,they move the ends.

    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

    The facts,although interesting,are generally irrelevant.

    The world gets a little better every day,and worse in the evening.

    Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

    The other line always moves faster...until you get in it.

    Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

    Everything should be made as simple as possible,but no simpler.

    Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.

    It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.

    I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

    If you think that there is good in everybody,you haven't met everybody.

    If you can smile when things go wrong,you have someone in mind to blame.

    One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

    The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

    Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

    Do unto others.

    Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

    Plagiarism saves time.

    Teamwork...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

    Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

    We waste time, so you don't have to.

    Go the extra mile.It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

    The Romans did not create a great empire by having meetings;they did
    it by killing all those people who opposed them.

    If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos...then you probably
    haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

    Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exist elsewhere in
    the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

    As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a
    thought for the other fellow.He could be plotting something.

    If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply,because they will stop
    making it.

    Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 495
    (8/9/01 1:50:55 pm)
    | Del Weakest Link Theory
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If you are not familiar with this theory, the best ever explanation
    was given by Cliff Clayvin on the sitcom "Cheers", whilst talking to
    his buddy, Norm. Here's how it went.

    "Well, you see Norm, it's like this... a herd of buffalo can only move
    as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is
    the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
    This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
    general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
    regular killing of the weakest members.In much the same way, the human
    brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
    Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but
    naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
    In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
    cells,making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
    That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

    nighthawk
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 207
    (8/9/01 3:43:04 pm)
    | Del Re: Adding to Points to Ponder, with a Western touch
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Wish I could take credit or these, but I can't

    After weeks of beans and 'taters, even a change to 'taters and beans is good

    Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance

    No tree is too big for a short dog to lift his leg on

    Never miss a good chance to shut up

    Don't let so much reality into your life that there's no room left for dreamin'

    If you're gonna take the measure of a man, take the full measure (One of my favorites)

    Remain independent of any source of income that will deprive you of your persona; liberties

    You can't weigh the facts if you've got the scales loaded down with your opinions (Humm,,,)

    Weather the glass is half empty or half full depends on wheather you're drinkin' or pourin'

    Believe in miracles, but don't bet on 'em

    How long you live has nothin' to do with how long you're dead

    It's always a bit confusin' when somethin' goes right

    Never be too quick to criticize yourself. It's not fair to all your friends and relatives who are dyin' to do it for you

    I'll close with another favorite;

    See the heavens, smell the air, taste the dust and the alkali, hear the wind and the wild, feel the motion of your horse,,, On a good day, that's all you need
    On a bad day,,,,,that's all you need


    Stan H,,, nighthawk

    Edited by: nighthawk at: 8/9/01 4:55:26 pm

    Indybear57
    Moderator
    Posts: 514
    (8/9/01 5:19:58 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: Adding to Points to Ponder, with a Western touch(Part 2)
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Don't squat with your spurs on.

    Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

    The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

    If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

    If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

    It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

    The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

    Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

    If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

    Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

    Always drink upstream from the herd.

    Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

    Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

    If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

    Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

    When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

    When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.


    Misterstan
    Moderator
    Posts: 483
    (8/10/01 8:09:17 am)
    | Del Re: Adding to Points to Ponder, with a Western touch(Part 2)
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    War doesn't determine who is right or wrong, only who is left.

    Misterstan

    nighthawk
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 208
    (8/10/01 10:57:14 am)
    | Del Re: Adding to Points to Ponder, with a Western touch(Part 2)
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I see Indy has the same books as I do,,,lol

    Indybear57
    Moderator
    Posts: 518
    (8/10/01 12:54:19 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: Adding to Points to Ponder, with a Western touch(Part 2)
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Actually an email from long ago. More truth than fiction though! BTW, I tried to weed out any duplicates. Sorry if I missed any, but it was late in the day and I was in a hurry!

    Indy

    dap22
    Senior Chief Moderator II
    Posts: 992
    (8/11/01 10:11:59 am)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    More Redneck Humor
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

    Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
    It seems they want to keep alcohol outof the high schools.

    What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
    A documentary.

    How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
    Two.
    One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

    Why did God invent armadillos?
    So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.

    Where was the toothbrush invented?
    Arkansas.
    If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

    Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
    The driver says, "Bout what?"

    Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
    The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

    Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
    Everyone has the same DNA.

    Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down?
    Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

    A new law recently passed in North Carolina:
    When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

    What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
    The I-40

    What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
    Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

    A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

    Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups
    of 18 or more?
    'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

    What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
    A full set of teeth.

    How long does a redneck cook his meat?
    Until the tire tracks disappear.

    A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
    "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
    The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."


    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 1634
    (8/11/01 2:05:32 pm)
    | Del Re: More Redneck Humor
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Very, very funny! Loved the one about the Arkansas State
    Trooper asking for ID......too funny.


    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 222
    (8/12/01 9:38:56 pm)
    | Del The lawyer & the blonde
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
    flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if
    she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take
    a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
    catch a few winks.

    The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and
    a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't
    know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she
    politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

    The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know
    the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will
    pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will
    easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and
    figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she
    plays, agrees to the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
    earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to
    her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the
    lawyer.

    Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
    hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks
    at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and
    searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his
    modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
    Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he
    knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde
    and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns
    away to get back to sleep.

    The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde
    and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the
    blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
    to sleep.



    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 223
    (8/12/01 9:54:00 pm)
    | Del The blonde & the barber
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A blonde walked into a barber shop wearing headphones. The barber
    said "I can't cut your hair if you're wearing headphones." The
    blond said, "I have to wear them!" And then stormed out.

    This happened twice until the barber just jerked off the
    headphones. Then he remembered his lucky scissors were in the
    other room. When he came back in, the blond was dead.

    He picked up the headphones to hear what was playing. He heard:
    "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in,
    breath out."

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1425
    (8/13/01 4:55:36 pm)
    | Del Re: The blonde & the barber
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey Mike! and Hawk! Buddies!...and to think, that I thought that ya'll were thinking these up all along.
    Hmmm!, thats alot of thinkin on all three of our parts!
    ...I think!


    Some good stuff there Dave! Funny!
    Now I know!...you sat dwn and thought all them up...right pal!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Genog
    Moderator
    Posts: 179
    (8/17/01 3:40:14 pm)
    | Del Re: The blonde & the barber
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
    mothers and their small children.
    "You all have obsessions," he observed.
    To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
    You've even named your daughter Candy."
    He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money.
    Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
    He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol.
    Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
    At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by
    the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

    Geno G

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 1723
    (8/17/01 4:34:28 pm)
    | Del Re: The blonde & the barber
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Very cute Geno!!!!!!!

    Winter11
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 208
    (8/21/01 9:57:40 am)
    | Del
    Whole bunch a new ones here.....
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A C-141-a Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because its sewage container had not been pumped out.

    An Airman meandered up to the aircraft with the containment pump, fiddled around for a while, then gets ready to leave.

    The young Captain, who was the commander confronted the airman, and stated, "You have caused me to be 2 hours late for my takeoff. I'II see you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well!"

    The young Airman smiled and said, “Sir, with all due respect...,I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumping **** out of an airplane."

    "Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind?"

    ------------------------ ----------------------------

    The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

    The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"

    He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

    Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

    He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
    Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

    He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
    The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

    Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

    ------------------------ ----------------------------

    Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents.

    They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.

    The other woman said that her sex life was great!

    "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head.

    When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

    Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes.

    Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head.

    Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well.
    After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

    It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom.

    With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"

    ------------------------ ----------------------------

    Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

    "Hey, bud, how are ya?"

    "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

    "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
    "No way, how could that be?"

    "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left breast, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right breast, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

    "Holy sh*t! You're kidding, right?"

    "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

    So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while.

    Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah!Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

    The guy says, "Cr@p! I forgot to tell him her @ss is also pencil sharpener!"

    ------------------------ ----------------------------

    Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

    The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him.

    The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

    The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen hussy, than let liquor touch these lips!"

    The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice.

    ------------------------ ----------------------------

    "Grandma" says the college aged girl, "I can ask you most anything right and you won't go tell mom about what we talked about right?"

    "Of course dear" replies the grandma "what's bothering you?" .
    "Well, I was wondering about what sex will be like when I get older" says the girl.

    "Oh, sweetie, when you get into your later years it is not quite as important as it may seem to you now. Don't worry about it. You have many years before you have to even think about that". she reassures her granddaughter.

    "Well, whats it like for you and Granpa?' asks the girl

    "Well, me and your Granpa just have oral sex now" the elderly woman boldly states.

    "Really, oral at your age? Wow!" the girl states happilly.

    "Sure, your granpa stands on one side of the room and shout's F*CK YOU! and I stand on the other side and shout F*CK YOU TOO!"

    ------------------------ ----------------------------

    Little red riding hood informed her parents that she was going to gramma's house for a visit.

    Her Mom said "be careful red, the big bad wolf is out there and he will rip your breasts off"

    "Don't worry mamma, I have daddy's 9mm. I will be ok" says red in a confident voice

    As she walks past the garage her dad warns her again, "be careful red, the big bad wolf is out there and he will rip your breasts off"

    "I remember what you taught me daddy, I have the 9mm and an extra clip, I will be fine" she reassures her father.

    When lil red arrives at gramma's house she finds the big bad wolf sitting on the edge of gramma's bed.

    He informs her that he "is going to rip her breasts off".

    At which point red draws the 9mm on the wolf and says" bull sh*t, your gonna eat me like the story says"!!




    Genog
    Moderator
    Posts: 182
    (8/21/01 10:21:56 am)
    | Del Re: Jokes VI
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Subject: Why Men are not Secretaries


    Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
    Someone from the Guyna College called.
    They said Pabst beer is normal.

    Geno G

    dreamcatcher27371
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 179
    (8/21/01 3:59:29 pm)
    | Del The Bastard
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Subject: The Bastard


    Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, You are charged
    with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

    A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

    The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law
    to death with a hammer."

    Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You absolute
    bastard!"

    The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back ofthe courtroom, and said,
    "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I
    will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you
    with contempt! Why are you so upset?"

    Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years
    I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to a borrow a
    fucking hammer, he said he didn't have one!"



    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 1778
    (8/21/01 11:47:57 pm)
    | Del Re: Sad News
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

    The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
    and complications arising from repeated pokes in the belly.
    He was 71.

    Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

    Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects,
    including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California
    Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and
    Captain Crunch.
    The gravesite was piled high with flours.

    Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described
    Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was
    kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but
    his later life was filled with turnovers.

    He was not a very smart cookie, wasted much of his
    dough on half baked schemes. Despite being a little
    flaky, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a
    roll model for millions.

    Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two
    children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had
    one in the oven.
    He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

    The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


    Edited by: oneknight at: 8/22/01 12:51:27 am

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1513
    (8/22/01 5:10:49 am)
    | Del Re: Sad News
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hehe! Gooduns.
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 1782
    (8/22/01 10:23:12 am)
    | Del Things Northerners Should Know.....
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    If They Plan On Moving South.........

    The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
    The South has 'mater samiches.

    The North has coffee houses,
    The South has waffle houses.

    The North has dating services,
    The South has family reunions.

    The North has an ambulance,
    The South has an amalance.

    The North has Indy car races,
    The South has stock car races.

    The North has lobsters,
    The South has crawdads.

    The North has the rust belt,
    The South has the Bible Belt.

    The North has green salads,
    The South has collard greens.



    In the South, we found the best way to grow a lush green
    lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.


    The proper pronunciation your learned in school is no
    longer proper. Be advised that "HE NEEDED KILLIN'",
    is a valid defense here.


    Get used to hearin, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

    Edited by: oneknight at: 8/22/01 11:25:39 am

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 581
    (9/2/01 3:39:29 pm)
    | Del Looney Travelers
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Actual comments heard from travel agents.

    I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair
    wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

    A client called in inquiring about a package to
    Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked,
    "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then
    take the train to Hawaii?"

    I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to
    Capetown. I started to explain the length of the
    flight and the passport information when she
    interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look
    stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without
    trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly
    explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is
    in Africa." Her response ... click.

    A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
    I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
    He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried
    to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in
    the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me.
    I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

    I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to
    see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But
    they look so close on the map."

    Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in
    Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed
    he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him
    why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas
    was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between
    the gates to save time."

    A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was
    possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am
    and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain
    that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she
    could not understand the concept of time zones.
    Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she
    bought that!

    A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your
    physical description on your bag so they know who's
    luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?"
    She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
    airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT,
    and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After
    putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into
    it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and
    explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that
    the airline was just putting a destination tag on her
    luggage.

    I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do
    I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what
    exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my
    flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes
    have numbers on them."

    A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola
    on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant
    to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said,
    "Yeah, whatever."

    A business man called and had a question about the
    documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a
    lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he
    needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
    times and never had to have one of those." I double
    checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
    When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to
    China four times and every time they have accepted my
    American Express."

    A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go
    from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was
    at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said,: "Are
    you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what
    flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some
    searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry,
    ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the
    country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The
    customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows
    where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a
    map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You
    don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was
    a big animal!"




    dap22
    Senior Chief Moderator II
    Posts: 1116
    (9/2/01 6:42:36 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: Looney Travelers
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey.......I live in Capetown on Cape Cod..........

    mt pari
    Moderator
    Posts: 93
    (9/3/01 2:17:24 am)
    | Del Re: Jokes VI
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Great ones..just too funny..

    Winter...great picture..and jokes

    dap22
    Senior Chief Moderator II
    Posts: 1118
    (9/3/01 8:41:39 am)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: NC Farmer
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    There was a rural NC farmer speeding on I40 who was pulled over by a state trooper.

    The trooper started lecturing the farmer and became more and more agitated and intimidating.

    As the trooper began writing a citation, he swatted at some flies buzzing around his head.

    "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" the farmer asked.

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Yeah, if that's what they are called. I have never heard of circle flies."

    The farmer explained that circle flies are most common on farms and are almost always found circling around the rear end of a horse.

    "Oh," the trooper said and resumed writing. A moment later, he stopped. "Wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses butt?"

    "Oh, no" the farmer replied. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to ever say anthing like that."

    The trooper easedup a bit and said, "Well, it's a good thing" and went back to writing the ticket.

    After a long pause, the farmer said, "Hard to fool them flies, though"


    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 1898
    (9/3/01 8:45:07 am)
    | Del Re: NC Farmer
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Cute one Dave!

    Winter11
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 220
    (9/5/01 2:37:54 pm)
    | Del
    Ever wonder.....
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears...
    Sometimes when you are worried no one sees your pain...
    Sometimes when you are happy no one sees your smile...
    But fart just one time...


    Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?


    If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?


    No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.


    dap22
    Senior Chief Moderator II
    Posts: 1136
    (9/6/01 8:40:34 am)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: Question of the Day
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
    You boil the hell out of it.

    2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
    "Dam"

    3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE TOO LONG?
    Polaroids.

    4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
    A stick

    5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
    Nacho Cheese.

    6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
    Subordinate Clauses.

    7. WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
    Quatro Sinko.

    8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
    Spoiled milk.

    9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
    Frostbite.

    10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
    A nervous wreck.

    11. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
    Anyone can roast beef.

    12. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
    Because they have big fingers.

    13. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
    Because it scares the heck out of the dog.

    14. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
    Sanka.

    15. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY
    AND A HOOVER?
    The location of the dirt bag.

    16. WHY DOES A PILGRIM'S PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
    Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

    17. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
    A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

    18. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
    Unique up on it.
    HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
    Tame way; unique up on it.

    19. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
    Skeet.

    20. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG,
    CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
    An Amish Drive-By Shooting.
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