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Jokes VII

Discussion in 'The Beau Coupe Dien Cai Dau Hootch' started by Guest, Mar 3, 2003.

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    Guest Guest

    Indybear57
    Moderator
    Posts: 584
    (9/6/01 10:33:32 am)
    | Del All
    ezSupporter
    Jokes VII
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The Difference Between Football in the North and South

    WOMEN'S ATTIRE
    Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
    Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that's what dates are for.

    STADIUM SIZE
    Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
    Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000.

    FATHERS
    Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
    Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

    ATTIRE
    Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
    Down South: Male - press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female - ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt.

    ALUMNI
    Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
    Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don't leave for the NFL their senior year.

    CAMPUS DECOR
    Up North: Statues of founding fathers.
    Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.

    HOMECOMING QUEEN
    Up North: Also a Physics Major
    Down South: Also Miss USA.

    HEROES
    Up North: Mario Cuomo
    Down South: "Bear" Bryant

    GETTING TICKETS
    Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
    Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

    FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
    Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
    Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don't want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

    PARKING
    Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.
    Down South: RV's sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.

    GAME DAY
    Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
    Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day "live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.

    TAILGATING
    Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
    Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.

    GETTING TO THE STADIUM
    Up North: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in with no line.
    Down South: When your near it, you'll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state's third largest city.

    CONCESSIONS
    Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
    Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot--filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

    WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
    Up North: Stands are less than half full.
    Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

    THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
    Up North: Nothing Changes!
    Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.

    COMMENTARY (MALE)
    Up North: "Nice Play."
    Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"

    COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
    Up North: "My, this is a violent sport."
    Down South: "Dammit you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!!!"

    ANNOUNCERS
    Up North: Paid.
    Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

    AFTER THE GAME
    Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
    Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.


    Edited by: Indybear57 at: 9/6/01 1:48:11 pm

    dap22
    Senior Chief Moderator II
    Posts: 1139
    (9/6/01 10:34:43 am)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: Jokes V
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey Bear.........shouldn't it be "Jokes VII"?? or we going back to 1?

    Indybear57
    Moderator
    Posts: 585
    (9/6/01 12:49:55 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: Jokes V
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    You're right Dave. I HATE it when brain cells die! Thanks for the wake up. I'll fix it now.

    Indy

    Edited by: Indybear57 at: 9/6/01 1:50:30 pm

    Indybear57
    Moderator
    Posts: 588
    (9/7/01 8:47:39 am)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: Jokes V
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    NEW BOOTS

    An elderly couple is vacationing in the west. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

    He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

    Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

    Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look, notice anything different about me?"

    Bessie looks again, "Nope."

    Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

    Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

    Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!"

    Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam ...Shoulda bought a hat."

    >>>>

    A guy can't obtain an erection, so he goes to the doctor.

    The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken and there's nothing he can do except an experimental new surgery. "What kind of surgery is it, Doc?" the guy asks.

    "Well, we take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk and insert them in the base of your penis" replies the doctor.

    The guy thinks this sounds pretty scary, but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he agrees. The doctor performs the surgery, about six weeks later gives him the go-ahead to "try out his new equipment".

    One night soon after this, the guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at the table, he starts to feel an incredible pressure in his pants. Before too long, it becomes almost unbearable. He looks around and realizes no one can see him, so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

    His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly grin on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do it again?"

    With his eyes watering and a painful statement on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!





    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1533
    (9/9/01 10:51:49 am)
    | Del jokes
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    Hahahahahahahahahaha! Hot Dang!, they were great Indy...just great! Dinner roll!!!...Ah! Me!

    In fact...all of them have been good...MA, MS and the rest. Hehe!

    A special Thank You to the Dapper for the ones I received via email...they were terrific as well. What a bunch of fun people.

    Genog
    Moderator
    Posts: 207
    (9/10/01 1:41:05 pm)
    | Del Re: jokes
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    A lady goes into a bar and sees a cowboy with his feet propped up on a
    table. He has the biggest feet she's ever seen. The woman asks the
    cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

    The cowboy says, "Sure is! Why don't you come back to my place and let
    me prove it?

    The woman figures why not and spends the night with him. The next day
    she hands the cowboy a $100 bill.

    Blushing, he says, "I'm flattered! Nobody has ever paid me for my
    services before."

    To this the woman replies, "Well, don't be. Take this money and buy
    yourself some boots that fit."
    Geno G

    Indybear57
    Moderator
    Posts: 594
    (9/12/01 4:49:34 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: jokes
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Two deeply religious Irish retirees were sitting on a patio playing checkers and sipping fine Irish whiskey.
    They enjoyed the mid-day sun almost as much as much as watching the local citizens walk by.

    A few minutes go by and a middle-aged women pushes a baby stroller past the patio.

    The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

    "Aye," says the other as he takes a pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a wee one."

    "Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they go about their game of checkers.

    A few minutes later, a young couple stroll down the avenue hand in hand, gazing deeply into each other's eyes.

    The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

    "Aye," says the other as he takes another pull from his whiskey. "Shamus, I surely am. A fine day for a stroll with a lover."

    "Aye," agrees the first Irishman and they do about their game of checkers.

    A few more minutes later, a young lass wearing clothes scarcely covering her shapely curves stops in front of the patio, bends over in front of the Irishmen giving them full exposure to her lovely rear, and smells the flowers in a near flower bed and walks on.

    The first Irishman looks to the other and says, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"

    "I'm not rightly sure this time, Shamus," says the other as he takes yet another pull from his whiskey. "But if I am, I'll surely be joinin' you in confession this afternoon."


    Genog
    Moderator
    Posts: 260
    (9/24/01 12:57:09 pm)
    | Del bin Laden
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    AN AMERICAN HOLIDAY
    Osama bin Laden, severly injured in an American attack, is in a US Army medical
    facility, when he asks the attending doctor, "Doc, when will I die?"
    "Unsure of the exact time of death," his Western doctor says. "But you will die
    on an American holiday."
    "How do you know it will be on an American holiday?" asks the terrorist.
    "Oh," said the doctor, "Any day that you die will be an American holiday."
    Geno G God Bless America

    Gunship
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 71
    (10/2/01 3:05:38 pm)
    | Del Jokes VII
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    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their
    wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a
    virgin."
    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten
    times?"
    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great
    it was going to be.
    Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was
    supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
    Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
    diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
    Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
    didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
    Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three
    years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
    Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but
    he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
    Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never
    sure how to position it.
    Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
    Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
    Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
    But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"



    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 2092
    (10/2/01 6:53:26 pm)
    | Del Re: Jokes VII
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    Gunship,

    Thank you, your joke gave me a good laugh after a long day
    at the office and it was much needed.....


    Donna

    Gunship
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 73
    (10/3/01 9:22:17 am)
    | Del > Jokes VII
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    Donna:
    She forgot to post about her first best one:
    "Husband #0 was an Army: see the target just fire.. no talk.. no run "
    how about that ..
    GS


    Indybear57
    Moderator
    Posts: 655
    (10/3/01 12:58:57 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: > Jokes VII
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    GS,

    VERY funny! Keep 'em coming buddy!
    KICK ASS U.S.A.!

    Genog
    Moderator
    Posts: 293
    (10/3/01 1:11:30 pm)
    | Del Re: > Jokes VII
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Osama Bin Laden phoned President George W. Bush.

    "I had a dream about the United States," he said.
    "I could see the whole country, and over every building and home was a banner," said Bin Laden.

    "What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.
    "LONG LIVE OSAMA!" answered the terrorist.
    "I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Afghanistan and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt with many tall, gleaming office buildings, large residential subdivisions with swimming pools full of men and women; and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner.

    "What did the banner say?" asked Osama.

    "I don't know," answered President Bush,
    "I can't read Hebrew."


    Geno G God Bless America

    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 2097
    (10/3/01 2:58:30 pm)
    | Del Re: > Jokes VII
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    Gunship,

    Like that #0.......it's great! funnnnnnnnny!



    D

    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 297
    (10/10/01 8:17:49 pm)
    | Del Re: > Jokes VII
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    A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.
    She inquired as to whether it was alive or dead.
    "Dead," she was informed.
    "How do you know?" she asked.
    "Because I pissed in it's ear," said the child innocently.
    "You did WHAT?" squealed the teacher in surprise.
    "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'PSSST'.
    It didn't move."


    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 298
    (10/10/01 8:27:56 pm)
    | Del Re: > Jokes VII
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A male and female on a plane. "I think everyone's asleep, lets go"

    Sound of steps. "This one's empty ... no-ones looking ... you go in
    first"

    "It a bit cramped - let me sit down" "Have you got the condom? Quick,
    put
    it on"

    Sniff, sniff. "Ah perfume - you think of everything" "This is
    great....."
    (long sigh)

    Static on the loud speaker then a new voice. "This is the captain
    speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're
    doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations...
    Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke
    detector!"


    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 299
    (10/10/01 8:37:01 pm)
    | Del Re: > Jokes VII
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    After their baby was born, the panicked Jewish father went to see the
    obstetrician Dr. Cohen.
    "Doctor," Mr. Spiegel said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a
    little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be
    mine."
    "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife
    both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed
    red hair to the gene pool."

    "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on
    both sides had jet black hair for generations."

    "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have
    sex?"

    Spiegel seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the
    past year. We only made love once or twice every few months"

    "There you have it!" the doctor Cohen said confidently. "It's just
    rust."


    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 2132
    (10/10/01 11:16:19 pm)
    | Del Re: > Jokes VII
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    Remf,

    Great ones!

    <>

    Winter11
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 316
    (10/11/01 9:34:11 am)
    | Del
    Re: > Jokes VII
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    They were great!!!!


    I pissed in his ear!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA..........




    Always Faithful

    dap22
    Senior Chief Moderator II
    Posts: 1228
    (10/11/01 10:22:57 am)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: > Jokes VII
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    "We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."
    Jay Leno


    "It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic"
    Conan O'Brien


    "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."
    Jay Leno


    "The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country. They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty good trick considering they claim they don't even know where he is."
    Jay Leno


    "I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy in Afghanistan. That's when you know your government is no good, when the wealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave."
    Jay Leno

    "There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country."
    Jay Leno


    "There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk with the Taliban, apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad."
    Jay Leno

    "U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my
    bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges."
    Jay Leno


    "More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Usama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80
    million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism."
    Jay Leno

    "The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."
    Jay Leno


    "More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row - just like Clinton."
    Jay Leno


    "This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week."
    Jay Leno


    Edited by: dap22 at: 10/11/01 11:24:14 am

    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 312
    (10/29/01 8:14:02 pm)
    | Del The little kid & the bus driver
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver.
    The little kid starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow
    I'd be a little bull."
    The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with,
    "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a
    little elephant."
    The kid went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and
    yelled at the kid,
    "What if your dad was a serial killer and your mom was a prostitute?!"
    The kid smiled and said, "Then I would be a bus driver!"


    Winter11
    Moderator
    Posts: 372
    (10/30/01 11:31:42 am)
    | Del
    Re: The little kid & the bus driver
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    LMAO - that was wrong............. SO FUNNY, but wrong





    (LOL)




    Always Faithful

    dap22
    Senior Chief Moderator II
    Posts: 1310
    (10/31/01 10:13:53 am)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: The Ladies will like this!!
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    A man is driving down a road.
    A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite
    direction.
    As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!!"
    The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "Bitch!"
    They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the
    next curve, he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

    MORAL OF THE STORY: If only men would listen.



    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1703
    (10/31/01 8:45:14 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: The Ladies will like this!!
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hahahahahaha! Very funny series of jokes guys.
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Misterstan
    Moderator
    Posts: 727
    (11/2/01 9:49:26 am)
    | Del
    Life As It Should Be
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    LIFE AS IT SHOULD BE........

    If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like:

    When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

    Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

    Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

    When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

    Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

    Take naps.

    Stretch before rising.

    Run, romp, and play daily.

    Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

    Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

    On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

    On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

    When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

    No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.... run right back and make friends.

    Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

    Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

    Be loyal.

    Never pretend to be something you're not.

    If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

    When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and
    nuzzle them gently.

    Misterstan



    dap22
    Senior Chief Moderator II
    Posts: 1321
    (11/2/01 9:57:46 am)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: Life As It Should Be
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Great one Stan! Interesting because for years my wife has told me that my dog is the "alpha male" (even though she's a female) and I am subservient to her. Keeps telling me that I should take control and lessen the pressure on the dog. Go figure.

    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 320
    (11/5/01 12:30:39 pm)
    | Del Jokes VII
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Q: What do Kabul and Hiroshima have in common?
    A: Nothing,.... yet.

    Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
    A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

    Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
    A: Duck

    Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
    A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

    Q: Why does the Afghanistan Navy have glass bottom boats?
    A: So they can see their Air Force.

    Q: What do Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
    A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

    Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of sh*t?
    A: The bucket

    Q: How do you stop a Taliban tank ?
    A: Shoot the guys pushing it.




    Winter11
    Moderator
    Posts: 384
    (11/5/01 3:43:41 pm)
    | Del
    Re: Jokes VII
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    SHOOT THE GUY PUSHING IT!!!!!!!!!!


    AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA


    LMAO - they were great!!!




    Always Faithful

    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 326
    (11/7/01 10:03:31 pm)
    | Del CATHOLIC DOG
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

    Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

    Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

    Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"



    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 327
    (11/7/01 10:16:19 pm)
    | Del THE BROOM
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    A little boy was afraid of dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

    The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

    The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

    The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

    "Yes, I'm sure . He is everywhere and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

    The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.

    Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"




    oneknight
    Moderator
    Posts: 2264
    (11/7/01 10:50:44 pm)
    | Del Re: THE BROOM
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    That is way tooooo cute!

    Remf
    Moderator
    Posts: 357
    (11/29/01 12:22:08 pm)
    | Del Re: Jokes VII
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    A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:
    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
    sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach
    lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of
    us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

    "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have
    eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
    the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

    Winter11
    Moderator
    Posts: 473
    (12/3/01 3:17:35 pm)
    | Del
    Re: Jokes VII
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    LMAO... good one...

    Here's a few...

    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be plaesant and make sure he is in a good mood. Fo rlunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him wiht chores. Don't discuss you stress; this will probably make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of the week. IF you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, your hsuband will regain his health completely."

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "so, what did the doctor say to you?"

    "You're going to die."



    A woman awoke during the night to find that her husban was not in bed. She went downstairs and found him sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appered to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

    “What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

    “Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?” he said. “Yes, I do”, she replied.

    “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?” “Yes I do”.

    “Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or spend 20 years in jail?” “Yes I do” she replied.

    He swiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know…. I would have gotten out today.”



    Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it’s not so, the husband said “if you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds”.

    Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?”

    “They’ll grow larger over a period of a few years.” He replies

    The wife stops, “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow?”

    “Worked for you ass didn’t it?”



    Always Faithful

    Winter11
    Moderator
    Posts: 474
    (12/3/01 3:40:09 pm)
    | Del
    Re: Jokes VII
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Expressions for women on high stress days...

    You - OFF MY PLANET!
    Allow me to introduce myselves.
    Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
    I'm trying to imagine you witha personality.
    Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
    Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
    Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
    Earth is full - go home.
    Is it time for your medication or mine?
    I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

    Always Faithful

    Winter11
    Moderator
    Posts: 475
    (12/3/01 3:47:49 pm)
    | Del
    Re: Jokes VII
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    K - I'm in a sarcastic mood...

    I can see your point, but I still think you're completely full of sh*t
    I see you've set aside special time to humiliate yourself in public
    Ahhh, I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.
    you are validating my inherent mistrust of a**holes.
    The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
    Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
    I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
    You sound reasonable.... time to up my medication.
    This isn't an office. It's hell with flourescent lighting.
    I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
    And your crybaby-whiny-assed opinion would be....?
    Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?


    Always Faithful

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1764
    (12/4/01 10:01:29 am)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    jokes
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hot dang Winter!..."Worked for your ass didn't it" Hahahaha!
    Ah! Me!

    Loved the Wedding cake too Phil.

    Tac401
    Administrator
    Posts: 1556
    (12/4/01 7:17:42 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: jokes
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Funny shite Winter

    JD
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