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lawn mower vrs electric fence

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by fedupdon, Feb 27, 2009.

  1. fedupdon

    fedupdon New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2008
    Messages:
    307
    We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I >heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

    To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top
    of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of
    fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is
    the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big wheel push mower. The
    hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I
    pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It
    seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt
    fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and
    has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body.
    My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.

    Everytime that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one
    with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says you cannot crap, pee, and get your nuts off at the same time. I beg to differ.

    Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.
    It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but
    in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is
    wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
    fences. But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
    volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
    signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking
    I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough.
    It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
    Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze
    die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big
    bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard,
    begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids
    to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later.
    The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There
    were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead
    spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
    seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

    Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things..

    1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
    2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
    3 - Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.
    4 - My left eye will not open.
    5 - My right eye will not close.
    6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out
    some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
    7 - My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
    8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't
    understand this?).

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things
    more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.


    The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what
    my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which
    also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
  2. artabr

    artabr New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2008
    Messages:
    7,859
    Location:
    New Iberia, Louisiana
    As one who has "become one with the fence" I can really appreciate your plight. :eek: :D :D :D :D :D


    Art
  3. Nighthawk

    Nighthawk New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2006
    Messages:
    3,330
    Location:
    South Central Texas
    ditto :D:D:D:D:D
  4. ampaterry

    ampaterry *TFF Admin Staff Chaplain* Staff Member Supporting Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Messages:
    8,214
    Location:
    West Tennessee
    Fedupdon, this is GREAT writing.
    My wife has come out of the kitchen where she is preparing lunch TWICE now and asked me what is wrong, as I kept making these squeeking sounds while I tried to read this through the tears!

    As a young man, I once relieved myself in the field, and the stream hit a hot wire.
    I feel your pain -
  5. Big ugly

    Big ugly New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2009
    Messages:
    2,682
    Location:
    Knoxville Tennessee
    I was sqirrel hunting with my brother when he pissed on an electric fence. We took him the the hospital afterwards becouse he was hving problems walking becouse his boys swollen to the size of oranges. He still hasent been able to sire any children, thank god, but anyways I believe this is the funniest thing I have heard all week.
  6. Charlie the sniper

    Charlie the sniper New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2008
    Messages:
    751
    Location:
    England, thats the USN aircraft carrier near europ
    Thank you, for making me laugh....sorry.....but that is so funny, could you get someone to video it and share it with the forum.
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