Martha Steward vs. ME

Discussion in 'The Beau Coupe Dien Cai Dau Hootch' started by Guest, Mar 2, 2003.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 331
    (7/3/01 1:27:30 pm)
    | Del All Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
    Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
    sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

    My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
    Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating
    it anyway.

    *****
    Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter
    onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

    My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30
    seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

    *****
    Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in
    the bag with the potatoes.

    My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
    for up to a year.

    *****
    Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of
    salt to the water before hard boiling.

    My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells
    off anyway?

    *****
    Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring
    them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen
    counter before squeezing.

    My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box
    springs.

    *****
    Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,
    simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of
    pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

    My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.

    *****
    Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray
    before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

    My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

    *****
    Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
    pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
    mess on the outside of the cake.

    My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

    *****
    Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's
    still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
    for an instant "fix me up"

    My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
    damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how
    bad it tastes. ( Two items on the menu: Take it or leave it! )

    *****
    Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
    refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

    My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

    *****
    Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
    baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

    My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing
    egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

    *****
    Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to
    soften it.

    My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

    *****
    Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar
    to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

    My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

    *****
    Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it
    in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises
    to the surface, throw it away.

    My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you
    will know it wasn't fresh.

    *****
    Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half
    and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

    My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you
    can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye,
    and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now
    blind.

    *****
    Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze
    into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

    My way: Leftover wine?

    *****
    Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using
    latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening
    jars easy.

    My way: Go ask the very cute next-door neighbor to do it.

    *****
    Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers.
    Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

    My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial
    soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

    *****
    Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
    *Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes,
    brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous
    china. *Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase
    or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. *Polish
    jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse
    the jewelry for two minutes. *Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with
    water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or
    longer, if necessary).

    My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some
    Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once


    Sharon


    Winter11
    Member
    Posts: 79
    (7/3/01 1:45:12 pm)
    | Del
    Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    LMAO - That was GREAT!!!!

    Have to send that one to my sisters - one is a Martha Freek and the other is just NOT. They'll get a real kick out of it!

    Great Post!


    *** ...leftover wine? ***
    hahahahahahahahahahaha



    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1060
    (7/3/01 2:36:05 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Another good one from ya.! yeah, I agree..." Leftover wine ? " Hehe!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    dreamcatcher27371
    Member
    Posts: 94
    (7/3/01 3:38:49 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Me too! I think. WhointhehellsMartha? Whasamatter wid
    weftover line? hic! Hey Homer! Git Martha and a sex-pack
    and bringer over. She do sailers? We'll show er whut happened
    when Rindercellar slopped her dripper. Borrow sum money and
    come on.

    LarryJK
    Senior Chief Moderator III
    Posts: 317
    (7/3/01 4:00:24 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Sharon...FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY!!! LOL!

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1069
    (7/3/01 4:28:06 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Be right thete Catch!...just hit Donna up for a few...the good hearted Lass. I'll check the Lounge and Mike's and all the other waterin holes for Ole Martha and be there as quick as I can.

    Better find the other Salts...Chief and Stan and Geno...the Catch is three sheets now.
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Edited by: homer4 at: 7/5/01 11:32:32 am

    Misterstan
    Moderator
    Posts: 362
    (7/3/01 5:04:10 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey, guys and gals. I don't think Martha Stewart liked what you said about her way of doing things....



    Misterstan

    LarryJK
    Senior Chief Moderator III
    Posts: 321
    (7/3/01 6:03:38 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Stan...neato!!

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 334
    (7/3/01 6:33:14 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Darn, Stan!

    Guess this means I have to put the "leftover" wine back and get my butt in the kitchen.


    Sharon

    P.S. That was too KEWL!

    Edited by: TShooters at: 7/3/01 7:45:10 pm

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 335
    (7/3/01 6:36:27 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ha ha ha ,Winter! Burnin' the firecracker a both ends, eh?
    Martha makes it look so easy! Yeah...Right!

    Sharon



    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 336
    (7/3/01 6:38:39 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ROTFLOL, Larry D & Homer!!

    I can just see ya'll goin' around and askin' all the girls if they're Martha Stewart!
    Gosh, I hope your reflexes are good on that bend back/get out of the way thang!

    Sharon

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 337
    (7/3/01 6:43:55 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    , LarryJK...glad ya liked that.

    I hear Martha has a SWAT team (So Wonderful At That) helpin' her do all those neat things she does.

    Sharon

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1074
    (7/3/01 8:19:45 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    " UH! Catch!, I UH! have a bit of a stomach ache Pal, perhaps I best tend to it tonight". " I'll catch up with ya when I'm feeling better bud ", he moans and slips away bent over holding his tummy amid groans. Shouting back weakly, " Chief and Stan and Geno will with ya shortly to take ya to The Lounge bud to hook up with Monste...UH! ER!...Martha " adding..." Have fun Ole Buddy "...

    ...gets around the corner,stands erect, spits, takes his sleve... wipes his brow and..." Dang!!!, them Sailors sure don't mind ugly women none "..."Hey!, any port in a storm they like to say! "

    Feels Donna's recent " Roses are Red " money...pauses and weighs the matter..." NAH ! "...and heads off in the direction of Mike's Place...figuring it's already in his pocket and should be spent..." I'll pay her back later and delight her with the same fee's. "

    Takes to whistling...
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    Edited by: homer4 at: 7/5/01 11:33:37 am

    dreamcatcher27371
    Member
    Posts: 95
    (7/3/01 9:05:45 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey Homer, Wher's Marfa? Where's money? Marfa can take gud
    care of thet belly ache. Whatcha mean "any sort in a porm?"
    Sailer's are perticuler in spect to wimmen. Thas sailer's hell -
    a bottle wif a hole innit and wimmen wifout nary one. Now haint thas a bitch? I'm sill stitting here waitin' fer sum spirits so me an Marfa can git down to the brass tacks. Hurry up mate. See if at gal called Boom Boom can tag along. Mistir
    Stan the Man done shanghai'd outta here. Sed sumptin bout
    having t'fix a floppy disk. Marfa probly wudn't like at either. Ain't no need to nock when you git here..door's open


    Tac401
    Administrator
    Posts: 944
    (7/3/01 9:16:09 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Butt puppets anyone eh!

    JD
    The Firearms Forum Vietnam Memories Bulletin Board Contact Administrator

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1086
    (7/4/01 4:27:08 am)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hehe!
    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    homer4
    Moderator
    Posts: 1087
    (7/4/01 5:10:46 am)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ring! Ring!... Bump!...Bing...Bang...picking up the fallen and previously cracked phone... " hailwo "

    " Larry, Homer here, I "...

    " Hailwo ! "

    " Hey Bud!, it's Homer here, I "...

    " Homa ain hare "

    Click!

    Aw Catch! Hehe!...Dial Dial! Dial...

    " hailwo "

    " LARRY!, Don't say a word and don't hang up!..it's Homer here "...

    " Tol ya!...Homa Ain Hare!...an my...HICK!...phone so hare's a coupa my words fa yar smar ass...#*&^_(@!"<!...an...%$+#@!>&^:$!...take dat frum an ol Salt!...Hick...Tell me a shua up! "

    CLICK!!!

    " Good Grief! " , he remarks placing the receiver on the hook, saunters back to his stool..." No worries...he'll handle Martha well enough...Hehe "

    ...and two hard boiled eggs.

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 344
    (7/5/01 9:15:48 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Butt puppets, JD??????????????

    (hopes he'll 'splain that one 'cause I'm built so low the fast ones go right over my head)

    Sharon







    Edited by: TShooters at: 7/6/01 2:47:24 pm

    Tac401
    Administrator
    Posts: 959
    (7/5/01 9:31:04 pm)
    | Del
    ezSupporter
    Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Butt Puppets are what was burned on an ongoing
    basis in Nam, they came from the Latrine, get the
    picture now Sharon? LOL!

    JD
    The Firearms Forum Vietnam Memories Bulletin Board Contact Administrator

    TShooters
    V.I.P. Member
    Posts: 353
    (7/6/01 1:49:29 pm)
    | Del Re: Martha Steward vs. ME
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    , JD !!! Okay...Gotcha now!

    Sharon
Similar Threads
Forum Title Date
The Beau Coupe Dien Cai Dau Hootch Thanksgiving, the Turkey, Martha, and Me Mar 3, 2003