Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks:

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by 22WRF, Mar 30, 2005.

  1. 22WRF

    22WRF Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2004
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    Location:
    Pea Ridge, FL
    Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks:

    General

    * Never take a beer to a job interview.
    * Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
    * It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
    * If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
    * Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
    still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

    Dining Out

    * When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and
    pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
    * If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
    fingers covering the label.

    Entertaining in your home

    * A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by
    a taxidermist.
    * Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
    manners are.

    Personal Hygiene

    * While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
    be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
    * Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
    However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
    * Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
    tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger
    foods.

    Dating (outside the family)

    * Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
    * Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
    go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
    ago."
    * Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
    say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
    it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

    Theater Etiquette

    * Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
    after the movie has ended.
    * Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
    they can't hear you.

    Weddings

    * Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    * Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    * For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
    cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
    * Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
    occasion.

    Driving Etiquette

    * Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
    and the deer is in sight.
    * When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
    always has the right of way.
    * Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    * When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
    ask her to bring back beer.
    * Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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  2. armedandsafe

    armedandsafe Guest

    Uncle Orville (Mom's Uncle) married a girl from the hills of West Virginia. His new Father-inLaw approached him after the ceremony with some advice.

    "Now, Orville, we raised Rose here to be a good woman, but she does have a hard streak in her. Don't be afraid to take the switch to her when she needs it."

    Then, he turned to the bride, and handed her a package. "Here's that Smith & Wesson .38 you've been wanting."

    Rose had that gun all her life and Uncle Orville NEVER laid a hand on her in anger. :D:D:D

    Pops

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