Midwest Orientation Lesson

Discussion in 'The Fire For Effect and Totally Politically Incorr' started by AL MOUNT, Jul 12, 2007.

  1. AL MOUNT

    AL MOUNT Active Member

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    Location:
    Cleaning my Thompson in The Foothills of the Ozark
    A message from the rural Midwest:

    Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when East Coasters and Californians cross states such as

    Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota,

    those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of informalion guidelines.

    In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest

    the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:


    1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

    2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your car.

    3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.

    Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

    4. Go ahead and bring your $3600 Orvis hand made bamboo fly rod.

    Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle.

    We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.

    5. Pull your pants up homey. You look like an idiot.

    6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach,

    we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

    7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.

    Order steak. Order it rare

    Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

    8. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice, the whisky is optional.

    9. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends?

    We're real impressed... We have a quarter-million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

    10. Let's get this straight - We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red.

    We may even stop when it's yellow.

    11. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to.

    So, you're a feminist... Isn't that cute...!

    12. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar?

    It's available at the bait shop.

    13. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.

    Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways...

    Interstates 29, 35, & 69 go the other two.

    Pick one and use it accordingly.

    Same goes for the noisy Saturday night stock car track.

    14. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or baseball season.

    They're religious holidays . You can get breakfast at the church.

    15. So every person in every pickup waves.

    It's called being friendly. Understand the concept, moron?

    16. Yeah, we have golf courses. Just don't hit in the water hazard.

    It spooks our fish.

    17. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot,

    his name is "Sir". No matter how old he is.

    18. The bill on your hat should turn down at the edges to shed the rain

    and be centered over your nose to keep the sunlight out of your eyes.

    Any other location/orientation makes you look like an idiot...Willie....

    19. We also speak ENGLISH here, speak it or go away.


    Now, enjoy your visit ......:D
  2. Marlin

    Marlin *TFF Admin Staff Chief Counselor*

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    At SouthernMoss' side forever!
    A - M E N !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  3. bunnyhunter12

    bunnyhunter12 New Member

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    Location:
    Newfoundland, Canada
    Sounds like a place I could get to like calling home. You got some good ocean front property in Missouri right :p ? Can't stand being away from Old Blue.
  4. Bruce FLinch

    Bruce FLinch New Member

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    Bay Point, Kali..aka Gun Point
    The city folk will never get it! :D
  5. Brett Byers

    Brett Byers New Member

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    Well said and a hearty Amen!
  6. catfish83861

    catfish83861 Active Member

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    Location:
    North Idaho
    Dang sho me state feller must have stolen that from an Oakie. :eek: Hey Al the best recipe I ever found for Carp was by using a Hickory slab to cook them on, Then when finished ,of course throw away the Carp and Eat the board. :D catfish
  7. Bunny, come right in. Sit down. I'd like to show you some of the finest ocean front property to be found anywhere, but it's right here in Colorado! Only a small down payment, and easy montly installments, it's yours! :D ;) :p
  8. travihanson

    travihanson New Member

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    Location:
    Milo, ME
    Sounds like Maine all the way :) :) Nice post...
  9. Armed Citizen

    Armed Citizen New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2007
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    32
    Location:
    Bravo Target Range St. Louis, Missouri
    You forgot the bargin recently made available:

    [​IMG]


    Perfect for condominium development.
    Stainless steel construction will withstand subsidized housing.
    Federally subsidized Guards and grounds maintenance.
    Fishing ponds and campground sites also available.
  10. noslolo

    noslolo New Member

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    Location:
    Johnstown PA
    Ah...it's good to be around like minded folks.
  11. ponycar17

    ponycar17 Active Member

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    Location:
    South Carolina
    I think that half the state of Ohio is moving to SC, and sadly, I haven't met any of the folks that think like this... :confused:

    Maybe we're just unlucky enough to get all the city folks moving here that are creating yuppy hives in these things they call subdivisions?... :confused:
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2007
  12. Bruce FLinch

    Bruce FLinch New Member

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    Location:
    Bay Point, Kali..aka Gun Point
    Condolences from Kalifornia...:(
  13. Carl S

    Carl S New Member

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    Location:
    Bunnell, FL
    It couldn't be half of the state of Ohio; half are already in Florida!
  14. ponycar17

    ponycar17 Active Member

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    Feb 17, 2005
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    5,053
    Location:
    South Carolina
    It must be the most popular state to relocate FROM. There are more out-of-state tags here from Ohio than any other non-connecting state. It's just odd...

    :confused:
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2007
  15. 300 H&H

    300 H&H Active Member

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    Location:
    Iowa
    sounds just like "Home" to me....Kirk, out
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