Midwest Orientation Lesson

Discussion in 'The Fire For Effect and Totally Politically Incorr' started by AL MOUNT, Jul 12, 2007.


    AL MOUNT Active Member

    Oct 9, 2006
    Cleaning my Thompson in The Foothills of the Ozark
    A message from the rural Midwest:

    Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when East Coasters and Californians cross states such as

    Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota,

    those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of informalion guidelines.

    In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest

    the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:

    1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

    2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your car.

    3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.

    Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

    4. Go ahead and bring your $3600 Orvis hand made bamboo fly rod.

    Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle.

    We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.

    5. Pull your pants up homey. You look like an idiot.

    6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach,

    we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

    7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.

    Order steak. Order it rare

    Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

    8. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice, the whisky is optional.

    9. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends?

    We're real impressed... We have a quarter-million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

    10. Let's get this straight - We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red.

    We may even stop when it's yellow.

    11. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to.

    So, you're a feminist... Isn't that cute...!

    12. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar?

    It's available at the bait shop.

    13. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.

    Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways...

    Interstates 29, 35, & 69 go the other two.

    Pick one and use it accordingly.

    Same goes for the noisy Saturday night stock car track.

    14. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or baseball season.

    They're religious holidays . You can get breakfast at the church.

    15. So every person in every pickup waves.

    It's called being friendly. Understand the concept, moron?

    16. Yeah, we have golf courses. Just don't hit in the water hazard.

    It spooks our fish.

    17. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot,

    his name is "Sir". No matter how old he is.

    18. The bill on your hat should turn down at the edges to shed the rain

    and be centered over your nose to keep the sunlight out of your eyes.

    Any other location/orientation makes you look like an idiot...Willie....

    19. We also speak ENGLISH here, speak it or go away.

    Now, enjoy your visit ......:D
  2. Marlin

    Marlin *TFF Admin Staff Chief Counselor*

    Mar 27, 2003
    At SouthernMoss' side forever!
    A - M E N !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  3. bunnyhunter12

    bunnyhunter12 New Member

    May 8, 2007
    Newfoundland, Canada
    Sounds like a place I could get to like calling home. You got some good ocean front property in Missouri right :p ? Can't stand being away from Old Blue.
  4. Bruce FLinch

    Bruce FLinch New Member

    Aug 27, 2005
    Bay Point, Kali..aka Gun Point
    The city folk will never get it! :D
  5. Brett Byers

    Brett Byers New Member

    Aug 11, 2007
    Well said and a hearty Amen!
  6. catfish83861

    catfish83861 Active Member

    Nov 15, 2006
    North Idaho
    Dang sho me state feller must have stolen that from an Oakie. :eek: Hey Al the best recipe I ever found for Carp was by using a Hickory slab to cook them on, Then when finished ,of course throw away the Carp and Eat the board. :D catfish
  7. Bunny, come right in. Sit down. I'd like to show you some of the finest ocean front property to be found anywhere, but it's right here in Colorado! Only a small down payment, and easy montly installments, it's yours! :D ;) :p
  8. travihanson

    travihanson New Member

    May 24, 2007
    Milo, ME
    Sounds like Maine all the way :) :) Nice post...
  9. Armed Citizen

    Armed Citizen New Member

    Aug 5, 2007
    Bravo Target Range St. Louis, Missouri
    You forgot the bargin recently made available:


    Perfect for condominium development.
    Stainless steel construction will withstand subsidized housing.
    Federally subsidized Guards and grounds maintenance.
    Fishing ponds and campground sites also available.
  10. noslolo

    noslolo New Member

    Oct 15, 2004
    Johnstown PA
    Ah...it's good to be around like minded folks.
  11. ponycar17

    ponycar17 Active Member

    Feb 17, 2005
    South Carolina
    I think that half the state of Ohio is moving to SC, and sadly, I haven't met any of the folks that think like this... :confused:

    Maybe we're just unlucky enough to get all the city folks moving here that are creating yuppy hives in these things they call subdivisions?... :confused:
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2007
  12. Bruce FLinch

    Bruce FLinch New Member

    Aug 27, 2005
    Bay Point, Kali..aka Gun Point
    Condolences from Kalifornia...:(
  13. Carl S

    Carl S New Member

    Feb 3, 2004
    Bunnell, FL
    It couldn't be half of the state of Ohio; half are already in Florida!
  14. ponycar17

    ponycar17 Active Member

    Feb 17, 2005
    South Carolina
    It must be the most popular state to relocate FROM. There are more out-of-state tags here from Ohio than any other non-connecting state. It's just odd...

    Last edited: Nov 29, 2007
  15. 300 H&H

    300 H&H Active Member

    Apr 1, 2007
    sounds just like "Home" to me....Kirk, out
  16. polishshooter

    polishshooter Active Member

    Mar 25, 2001

    Cat, the way I heard it was to pack the carp (OR Sheephead....;)) in nice green horsesh-- and SMOKE it in the hickory smoke for a minimum of 12 hours....

    ..and when it's done, throw away the fish and eat the horsesh--......:cool:

    But seriously though, years ago a buddy of mine and I used to spend every Friday night on the White River around Athens, OH with our lanterns fishing for blues and channels, and when they weren't hitting we'd make strawbery doughballs out of kool aid and wheaties and play with the carp in the trash water nearby for fun....(yeah, broke a few rods too.....:cool:)

    ...and there was ALWAYS a guy nearby fishing for carp, that asked us to save ours and give him dibs on them before we threw them back, and he'd always take the smaller ones and we'd throw back the big ones.

    We asked him what he did with them, and he told us his son was a CATERER, and they used carp in ALL of their noodle recipes that called for Tuna!:eek:

    He said you use little ones 3-4 lbs or less, cut away all the belly meat and "mud veins," clean it up nicely, then chunk it up bones and all, and pressure cook it for 90 minutes all by itself.....and when it's done, you can freeze it and use it for anything you would use Tuna, and his son was FOREVEVER getting asked for his "Tuna Salad Recipe," even at rich socialite functions, but he never told them about the "tuna....":D:p;)

    I never tried it, but he sure took a LOT of our carp over the years I lived there!

    And for the record, Al, it isn't ONLY the "Mid West," although when I moved to Indiana we noticed a LOT more "waving....:p"

    People from the dairy farms of Western and upstate New York, the mountains of PA, and West Virginia and Kentucky,, (along with almost the entire South except maybe Atlanta and "N'Orlins") get it too.....
Similar Threads
Forum Title Date
The Fire For Effect and Totally Politically Incorr Study ties oil, gas production to Midwest earthquakes Apr 8, 2012

Share This Page