More Blonde Jokes

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by dcd_enterprises, Jan 5, 2008.

  1. dcd_enterprises

    dcd_enterprises New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2007
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    Wheatland, Iowa
    There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center.

    The redhead says to the flight technician "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow.

    The brunette says "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week.

    The blonde says "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?"

    The blonde says "Well then I'll go at night."

    *****************************************************************

    A blond and brunette are watching the news. The blond says to the brunette, "I bet you $100 that the man won't jump off of the building." Brunette takes the bet, and the man jumps. The brunette says, "No, I can't take your money, I saw this before and I knew he jumped." The blond says, "I saw it before, too, but I didn't think he would jump again."

    *****************************************************************

    A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on. She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm.

    She said to the farmer "If I can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91.

    The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If I can guess your natural hair color can I have my dog back?"

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if he has his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (It's a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class. The steward who checks tickets says, "I'm so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class." "I can do What-eva I want, I'm a blonde." Well I'll get the pilot. The pilot comes and whispers in the blondes ear and she leaves. The steward looks amazed and says," What did you say?" The pilot simply says," I told her 1st class wasn't going to Miami, just coach was!"

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your butt!"

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

    The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

    The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"

    By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

    Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

    The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde goes to take her driving test, she has studied very hard for this test. When she comes home from taking the test, her friend asked her how she did.

    The blonde answered, "Well, the officer said I did very well, but I still don't understand why he gave me an "F" on gender..."

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out. After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working." "Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver.

    He motioned for her to pull over.

    When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

    He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,

    "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".

    He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

    When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"

    He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

    When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

    He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

    Now she's laughing.

    The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

    He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

    "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

    She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

    "Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

    "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

    Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?"

    "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

    The librarian nodded and said, "Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand.

    Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend and stares him down for a moment.

    Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."

    The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

    So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying,

    "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

    The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

    The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,

    "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

    The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

    The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

    The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"

    The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
    The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"

    The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one.

    The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?"

    She replies "It's a thermos."
    He asks, "What does it do?"

    She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
    He then asks, "What do you have in there?"

    "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.

    *****************************************************************

    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

    *****************************************************************

    A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

    The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

    The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

    The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

    The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

    The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

    The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

    *****************************************************************

    A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a street light.

    He asks "Can I help you?"

    "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it." replied the woman.

    "Did you drop it right here?" asked the cop.

    "No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here.

    *****************************************************************

    A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"

    The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lbs, and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lbs, and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lbs, and she's a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

    The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

    *****************************************************************

    A letter from a Blonde Y2K Engineer:

    I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.

    At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months.

    Januark
    Februark
    Mak
    Julk

    *****************************************************************

    A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

    A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

    To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

    *****************************************************************

    A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

    The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store"?

    "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."

    "Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

    The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie"?

    She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

    *****************************************************************

    Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
    A 1: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner!
    A 2: Click Here
  2. Nighthawk

    Nighthawk New Member

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  3. delta13soultaker

    delta13soultaker New Member

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    Depends on Uncle Sam's whim every 3 yrs.
    Pic says it all

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  4. Crpdeth

    Crpdeth New Member

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    ROTF! :D:D:D
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