MRE date night e-mail (few curse words)

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by 45nut, Apr 26, 2010.

  1. 45nut

    45nut Active Member

    Joined:
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    Dallas, TX
    This is absolutely HILARIOUS..for those of us who have eaten these
    > things, we can definitely understand how she felt-----
    >
    > The following is a true story... Told from the point of view of a young
    > Marine.
    >
    > I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before,
    > the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for
    > dinner.
    >
    > After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
    > settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten
    > before.
    >
    > I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations
    > that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in each meal.
    >
    > Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic
    > packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of
    > Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and
    > some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops
    > in one pan, sautd in shaved garlic and olive oil. In another pot, I
    > blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort
    > of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices,
    > and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the
    > oven for about
    > 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
    >
    > When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a
    > bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese
    > (kinda like
    > Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans
    > (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right? For
    > dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets
    > of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up
    > and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous Sh!t ,
    > and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.. Voilaanger Pudding.
    >
    > For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
    > Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"...it
    > sells for
    > $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of
    > "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
    > that).
    > It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with
    > sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... Could've been
    > leftover sand from Egypt ). I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers
    > in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren
    > Academy -series China (that stuff is EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place
    > settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX), and put the
    > alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
    >
    > She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
    > spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
    > food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!" We dug in, and she loved the
    > food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to
    > make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about
    > cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift "wine" I had
    > set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank
    > four glasses during dinner.
    >
    > At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
    > with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
    > Okay...
    > Yeah... Its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... Yup!
    >
    > Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
    > rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh
    > oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.
    > Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air
    > Freshener,
    > 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and
    > returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
    >
    > After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
    > bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is
    > WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the
    > porcelain bowl.
    > This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll
    > being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
    >
    > Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
    > instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her
    > chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a
    > word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and
    > didn't come out for 30 minutes.
    >
    > I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
    > hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a
    > slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have
    > NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I
    > keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she
    > finally settled down and relaxed.
    >
    > Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had
    > enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her
    > all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to
    > her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field
    > Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I
    > ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"
    >
    > After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without
    > a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't crap for 5 days, and
    > when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it
    > from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to
    > combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook
    > dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising.
    >
    > It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that
    > was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd
    > been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in
    > tears on the couch.
    >
    I know... I'm an a-hole, but it was still a funny night.
  2. Trouble 45-70

    Trouble 45-70 New Member

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    NE Ar. W. of Black River
    Wonder how this would have turned out with C an K rations.

    My kids have brought home some MREs and they aren't bad but I still prefer home cooking.
  3. USMCSpeedy

    USMCSpeedy Member

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    Location:
    Minnesota
    Creative cooking at its best!! I ate them things two meals a day for 2 1/2 months. I think I still have gas from them.
  4. ampaterry

    ampaterry *TFF Admin Staff Chaplain* Staff Member Supporting Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    West Tennessee
    45, the tears are flowing here too -
    GREAT story!!
  5. Eddie N

    Eddie N New Member

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    Sounds like a delicious meal to me.
  6. woolleyworm

    woolleyworm Active Member

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    Not the kind of panty-dropping that I'm after on a date ! :D:eek::D
  7. wpage

    wpage Active Member

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    Aug 25, 2009
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    1,482
    You really know how to impress the girls...
  8. armedandsafe

    armedandsafe Guest

    Sounds like a malicious meal to me.

    There. I corrected your little spelling error. :D:D:D

    Pops
  9. red14

    red14 Active Member

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    Can't wait to hear her reaction when she reads about it here.
  10. BETH

    BETH Well-Known Member

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    naugatuck,Ct.
    Hey good one she asked u to do it-hey nice picture Red
  11. Maximilian II

    Maximilian II New Member

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    Location:
    Northwest GA
    Am I the only one to actually LIKE MRE's? Of course I do have that overall odd fascination with military food.
    I want to try some of the French rarions, and the Italian as well.

    I know the likely cause. Dad was a cook in the military, made Master Sergeant during Korean era. I grew up eating his cooking!
  12. Eddie N

    Eddie N New Member

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    Colorado
    Thanks, Pops. I never would have known.:D
    No. I'll eat them any time they're available. C-rations, too.
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