Survival Guide to Workplace Pooping

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by inplanotx, Apr 5, 2006.

  1. inplanotx

    inplanotx New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2002
    Messages:
    8,889
    Location:
    Texas
    HOW TO POOP AT WORK

    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As
    much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
    WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping
    at work, following this Survival Guide for taking
    a poop at work.



    CROP DUSTING:


    When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
    the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets
    a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
    careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
    fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
    make sure the smell has left your pants.



    FLY BY:


    This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
    pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If
    there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
    back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
    FLYER.
    People may become suspicious if they catch
    you constantly going into the bathroom.



    ESCAPEE:


    This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
    the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
    usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
    embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
    acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are
    standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
    you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
    uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
    laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



    JAILBREAK:


    When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
    machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
    diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
    not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
    left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
    of what just occurred.



    COURTESY FLUSH: (More people need to LEARN this one!!!)


    The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
    hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime
    the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
    you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



    WALK OF SHAME:


    Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
    after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be
    a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
    busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
    the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable
    walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
    FLUSH.




    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:


    This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn
    proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet
    Pooper
    enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
    magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
    the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
    entering the bathroom.



    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):


    A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
    emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
    group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
    Of The Closet Poopers
    , and identify SAFE HAVENS.


    SAFE HAVENS:

    A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
    sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your
    sex entering the bathroom.



    TURD BURGLAR:


    This is someone who does not realize that you are in
    the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
    one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
    can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs,
    remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
    This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
    contact.



    CAMO-COUGH:


    A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
    bathroom that you are in a stall is called a
    Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
    WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



    ASTAIRE:


    An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
    potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
    stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall
    is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
    bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in
    peace.



    WATERMELON:


    A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud
    splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also
    an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
    coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


    HAVANA OMELET:


    A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
    splashes in the toilet water. Often acompanied by an
    Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.



    UNCLE TODD:


    An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended
    lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
    the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
    while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
    poop when the bathroom is empty! .


    This benefits you as well as other bathroom
    attendees. Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the
    WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
  2. satellite66

    satellite66 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2004
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    2,066
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    Central NJ
    :D :D :D good stuff I plead guilty myself. :D :D :D
  3. 358 winchester

    358 winchester *TFF Admin Staff*

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2004
    Messages:
    7,335
    Location:
    Pensacola Fl. area
    To many rules these days in my day we just pooped wiped and walked out :)
  4. Bruce FLinch

    Bruce FLinch New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    5,015
    Location:
    Bay Point, Kali..aka Gun Point
    :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
    Of course I love bathroom humor. :eek: Took 3 minutes of recovery time to type this :D
  5. southernshooter

    southernshooter New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
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    Location:
    Deep South Mississippi
  6. wolfgang2000

    wolfgang2000 New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2005
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Mountain Grove MO.
    :D :D Somebody has wayyyyy to much time on their hands!! :D :D
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