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The Rednack Night Before Christmas

Discussion in 'The Pump House Saloon' started by Diamondback, Nov 27, 2012.

  1. Diamondback

    Diamondback Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2009
    Messages:
    1,007
    Location:
    Silver City, Oklahoma
    It was the night before christmas,
    When all through the trailer park
    Not a pop-top was poppin’,
    Not even Ole Blue barked.

    Our stockin’s was hung over the space heater with care,
    In hopes Santy would fill’em with Viennas and beer.
    The kids was asleep in their NASCAR pj’s,
    Dreamin’ of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon Pies and RC’s.
    And Earlene in her curlers and me in my John Deere cap
    Had just settled into our La-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.

    Then out in the vacant lot I heard such a commotion
    I thought it neighbor Clyde, finally got his T-Bird in motion.
    I heaced out my recliner and to the window I flew,
    Busted out the screen hand hollered for Blue.

    The moon was shinin’ down on my old wrecked cars
    So bright they was sparklin’ like rusty old stars.
    And I couldn’t believe my own hardworkin’ eyes
    When a jacked-up Ford pickup come flyin’ through the sky!

    Fastr’n Ole Ironhead his possums they came
    And he whooped and hollered and called ‘em by name:
    Get up Sooner! Hi Duke! Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
    On Balckie! On Queenie! You mind me Duchess and Bud!

    To the top of the satellite dish! To the top of the shed!
    Now move it! Step on it! Y’all get out the lead!

    You know how, on our dirt road, when a car goes by,
    There’s all this dirt flies up into the sky?
    That’s how this crew went straight on up to my roof
    With that pickup full of toys, a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.

    Then ‘fore I could pop me teeth in I heardup on the tin
    The scrabbling around of them flying possums of his’n.
    I yanked my head back in the trailer
    and hitched up my shorts….

    Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came with a grunt and a snort!
    He was dressed in red-and-green camo from his neck to his feet
    And I had to give credit- he still had most of his teeth.
    Looked like stuff from Earlene’s yard sale slung on his back-
    There was flyswatters an’ tupperware an’ 8-tracks stickin’ out of his pack.

    His eyes took in our humble home:
    The furniture we bought on layaway in town….
    Earlene’s pride, thst Elvis on velvet….
    My collections of barbed wire…. And license plates made by relatives.

    I coulda’ swore I even saw a glistening tear
    When his eye fell on sweet Earlene, a snorin in her chair.

    He kindly favored Hank, Jr., with a big round belly
    That shook when he laughed like a blob of K-Y jelly.
    Yep, he was fat all right, blocked out our whole large-screen TV,
    And I had to laugh when I saw him, ‘cause he looked just like me!

    When he winked his eye I knew fer sure he’d treat us right-
    Why, he might even leave me some ammo tonight!
    I stood there dreamin’ of whitetail while I watched him work,
    Then he stopped and, like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.

    He topped off our stockin’s with Moon Pies and bottle rockets’
    Then squoze up that dryer vent like Spam in your pocket.

    He jumped in his pickup, laid down on the horn-
    I’m not lyin’!
    And they took off like white lightnin’ with their
    Possum tails flyin’.
    But I heard him holler as he headed for the 7-11……

    “MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
    AND MAY ALL REDNECKS
    GO TO HEAVEN!”
  2. soundguy

    soundguy Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2012
    Messages:
    9,992
    Location:
    florida
    i laughed good on that one. a snort might have even escaped!
  3. elkslayer4x5

    elkslayer4x5 New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2012
    Messages:
    61
    Location:
    Lane County, Oregon
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